Weekend Movie Guide: M. Night Weiner Kids Presents ‘After Earth’

05.31.13 5 years ago 17 Comments

“Yo, welcome to… welcome to… LINE???”

Opening Everywhere: After Earth, Now You See Me, The East

Opening Somewhere: The Kings of Summer

FilmDrunk Suggests: By the time you read this, I will be neck deep in dirty margaritas on a lazy river filled with tourist pee in the Bahamas, and I won’t care how fat or pasty I look. But if you’re not also doing that, try to find a theater showing The Kings of Summer and see that so it makes more money than After Earth.

That’s where dad’s Scientology church used to be.

After Earth

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 16% critics, 97% audience (keep in mind, that audience is based on “Wants to see”)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The only value in watching it is to see an expensive disaster slowly unfold.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

“A disastrous father-son endeavor about a calamitous father-son expedition, After Earth doesn’t play to the strengths of any of its major participants.” – Mark Jenkins, NPR

Armchair Analysis: As for the movie itself, the premise is just silly. Humans left Earth 1,000 years ago and then animals evolved to kill humans. Or maybe humans left because animals just – *snap* – evolved and started killing. Either way, it means that M. Night Sugar Ray is going to have to tell a story so it makes sense, and we all know how that goes.

As for the stars, I tried to make a list of celebrities that I used to think were really cool and fun until their stupid kids came along and made me despise their entire families and I can’t think of any that even touch Will Smith and his kids. Maybe Ozzy Osbourne, because Kelly’s “Papa Don’t Preach” remake was the devil’s butthole. And possibly Gene Simmons and his son, Nick. I don’t even care about the comic book plagiarism allegations. Just look at this derp.

But Will and Jaden Smith have just reached a new level of celebrity family douche. Combine that with an M. Night Smellybelly movie and, hoo boy, that’s some stink.

[Vince’s Note: I don’t like that this implies Gene Simmons was cool before his son came along. My biggest dilemma would be standing in an elevator with Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent, and only being able to punch one of them in the face.]

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