Opening Errwherrr, WHAT SON: MAGIC MIKE!, Ted, People Like Us, Madea’s Witness Protection
FilmDrunk Suggests: Come on, like you even need to ask. *Harlem shuffles, spins on head, robots into split*
Magic Mike
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 80% critics (!!!), 80% audience (Holy sh*tballs, this is an honest to dick-shaking God hit!)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Moviegoers looking for a raunchy romp in Magic Mike are going to be disappointed. It’s more anatomy of a work-place than hedonistic hoedown, a depiction of a world where the bump, for all the cheap thrills it affords audiences of sorority sisters and office assistants, is as much a grind as any other job.” – James Adams, Globe and Mail
“But the real draw — almost outshining Tatum’s high-voltage appeal — is Matthew McConaughey, in what might be his best role yet as preening club owner Dallas. Borrowing a catchphrase from his iconic ‘Dazed and Confused’ character — ‘all right, all right, all riiiiight!’ — and more chiseled and leathery than ever, he schools the Kid (‘Who’s got the c – – k? You do! They don’t!’) and schemes about upgrading to big-time Miami.” – Sara Stewart, NY Post (Saying M.C. Conaughey steals the show? Lahhhhhhhhbreakah.)
Armchair Analysis: The big thing that Magic Mike has had working for it from the start isn’t a collection of beefcake actors taking it all off to cheaply lure women and their $12 to theaters. It’s that Steven Soderbergh still makes a very attractive film. Being filled with rippled beefcake bulges certainly helps, but there’s a chance that this is actually a great film. That said, I have heard nothing but good things about Magic Mike from all my lady womens who I assume killed other women to get into sneak previews this week. I’ve said before that The Vow was the funniest movie I’ve seen this year, and I expect Magic Mike to be a little more intentionally funny. Mad respek 2 C-Tates 4 comin’ up in dis Hollyweird game all proper n sh*t.
Ted
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 65% critics, 89% audience, 100% bros who think Brian is hilarious on Family Guy
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Once you stop fighting him, Seth MacFarlane makes Ted really funny, whether romancing a trampy checkout girl at the supermarket, carousing with hookers, getting into a knock-down-drag-out brawl with Johnny over an insult, downing shots with Flash Gordon (which would take too long to explain). It’s idiotic, but not any more so than, say, The Hangover’s wrong-gone bachelor party.” – Bob Mondello, NPR (Yeah, but what if you think The Hangover sucked, too?)
“I’ve been doing this for eight goddamn years, and I can tell what’s appropriate and what is offensive, and Seth MacFarlane is offensive. Offensive to comedy, offensive to humanity, and offensive to rectal cancer… But I still laughed.” – Our own beloved Dustin Rowles, Pajiba
Armchair Analysis: I’m pretty much like a lot of you guys – I loved Family Guy back in the day, grew tired of the same repetitive jokes and shameless rip-offs, and eventually stopped watching everything involving Seth MacFarlane, with the cherry on top being his pathetic, pandering Stewie Griffin voice at the David Hasselhoff Roast. But with Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, and Joel McHale, I’m willing to give MacFarlane one last chance, even if he is just vomiting his “goofy oaf” + “talking animal pet” = COMEDY shtick on us yet again. Tread lightly.
People Like Us
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 56% critics, 75% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“If it weren’t for the whole shared-DNA problem, ‘People Like Us’ might have made a nice pot of romantic mush.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (He calls it incest… so hot.)
“In ‘People Like Us,’ the story of a man who discovers a half-sister he never knew he had, it might take the audience a bit longer than average to come around, in part because the film’s title sets up an implicit challenge.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: Ugh. Awesome cast for a film I have zero interest in.
Madea’s Witness Protection
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 0% (only 2 reviews are in) *cough, SUCKS, cough*, 90% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Any hope that Perry might be running out of ideas or steam is drowned out by the ka-ching! of his mighty Madea cash register, which has only its good nature going for it.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star
Armchair Analysis: There’s a joke in the TV commercials for this latest Madea installment that is going into my Nick Swardson’s “She’s Nocturnal, Like a Bat” Jokes that Make No Sense Hall of Fame. One of the kids that is staying at Madea’s house says, “You look like a big bag of Skittles” to which Madea responds, “”You better get out of that bed before I get back, or you gonna taste the rainbow.” Hilarious stuff there, Tyler Perry.