Weekend Movie Guide: Stay In The Shadows

Opening Everywhere: Dark Shadows

Opening Somewhere: God Bless America, Hick

Never Heard of It: Girl in Progress

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m finally going to see The Avengers on Sunday, since I hate being around people. I still expect there to be a lot of people, but I’m just excited to be able to openly discuss the after-credits cliffhanger on Monday. Oh, and Vince wants to see Hick, but a judge won’t let him.

Dark Shadows

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A remake of the late ’60s daytime soap opera, the film can’t decide whether it’s a parody, a somber gothic tale or a special effects feast, and thus ends up none of the above.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

“But this thing they came up with — what is this? This is tiresome, meandering piffle. I care not a whit for the sanctity of the original series (which I’ve never seen), but surely its fans won’t like the slick, comical tone of Burton’s version: as far as I can tell, apart from the character names and some plot elements, almost none of this resembles the old soap opera.” – Eric D. Snider,

Armchair Analysis: Vince did not like this movie one bit, and his fellow critics don’t sound much different. That bums me out, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around thinking about how awesome it would be if Eva Green turned me into a vampire. Alas, it seems it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s also not a good sign for Chloe Moretz, but we’ll get to that shortly.

God Bless America

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s a daring move for the filmmaker, because it risks alienating the already-small audience watching the movie. Goldthwait knows that the more obvious targets here—the people who have inspired Frank to declare, ‘We’ve lost our kindness; we’ve lost our soul’—aren’t going to be interested in God Bless America.” – Ian Buckwalter, The Atlantic

“At no point during the movie does it strike him that mass extermination might be classified as ‘rude.’ No, Frank has the courage of his convictions, which include the belief that most of America has already flushed itself down the toilet. ‘Why have a civilization anymore, if we’re no longer interested in being civilized?’ he asks.” – Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle

Armchair Analysis: In theory, this movie looks great, because we’ve already seen it. It’s an updated, slightly-altered take on Falling Down. I’m fine with that, too. Falling Down is a timeless classic that plays on the frustrations of the working class in revealing that the American Dream is a myth for most of us. We become obsolete and irrelevant, while less deserving people around us inexplicably thrive. Ultimately, the world is full of evil people and we all sit in our places helpless while wishing that someone would come along and righteously expel the demons. That said, God Bless America looks corny in its delivery and scale, but I have hope for it. It’s also worth pointing out that Vince hates it. [He keeps saying that, I don’t know why. -Vince]


Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Derick Martini’s follow-up to ‘Lymelife’ isn’t quite as abysmal or offensive as the notorious and thematically similar ‘Hounddog,’ better known as ‘The Dakota Fanning Rape Movie.’” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post

“Hick is part road movie and part coming-of-age story but mostly plays like some creepy-perv fantasia looking for mileage from the mature-beyond-her-years presence of young star Chloë Grace Moretz.” – Mark Olsen, L.A. Times (*laughs nervously*)

Armchair Analysis: On the surface, Hick seems like a pretty standard “girl runs away from terrible family, ends up in worse situation but learns a bunch of crap from seedy characters who take her in story” but apparently it’s a lot worse than that. Early reviews for Hick say that the film is horrible, so I’m growing concerned for Chloe Moretz. She’s slowly drifting in the Dakota Fanning direction. We need her to stay focused. Maybe do some more 30 Rock episodes.


Girl in Progress

Starring: Eva “The Future Mrs. Baby Goose” Mendes, Matthew “Human Ambien” Modine

My Guess: I’m thinking this is like a Weird Science-type movie, and these two college nerds decide they want to build the perfect woman by using computer software. But then they lose their jobs because the economy sucks and they can’t afford to pay their Internet bill. So they have to go to an Internet café and pay to use the Internet per hour, which takes forever. But the big party at Chip’s house is tonight!

Real Plot: “Grace (Mendes) is a single mom. She is too busy juggling work, bills, and the very married Dr. Hartford (Matthew Modine), to give her daughter, Ansiedad (Ramirez) the attention she desperately needs. When Ansiedad’s English teacher, Ms. Armstrong (Patricia Arquette), introduces her students to classic coming-of-age stories, Ansiedad is inspired to skip adolescence and jump-start her life without mom. While Grace becomes preoccupied with the increasing affections of her co-worker (Eugenio Derbez), Ansiedad enlists the help of her loyal friend, Tavita (Raini Rodriguez), to plot her shortcut to “adulthood”. But as her misguided plan unravels, Ansiedad and Grace must learn that sometimes growing-up means acting your age.”