Opening Everywhere: The Expendables 2, ParaNorman, Sparkle, Cosmopolis
FilmDrunk Suggests: The Expendables 2. It’s the greatest sequel in movie history. In fact, there’s not even a point in having a Weekend Movie Guide because you should already know to go see this.
The Expendables 2
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 65% critics, 90% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Yeah, yeah, I get it: ‘The Expendables 2’ is a fun-loving throwback to the gloriously bad action films of the 1980s. Here’s what I don’t get: Why couldn’t it be a throwback to the good ones?” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (SHUT THE F*CK UP, YOU F*CKING GIRL.)
“‘The Expendables 2’ arrives jam-packed and fully loaded with main man Sly Stallone still leading the charge, followed by that wild bunch of aging brawn.” – Betsy Sharkey, L.A. Times (Preach on, you wonderful girl.)
Armchair Analysis: It’s the greatest sequel in movie history.
ParaNorman
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 86% critics, 76% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“I hate children and would rather they watch Shrek 12: Fat Green Recycled Joke.” – Vince Mancini, Child Hater
“Chances are most kids, and most adults, will find “Paranorman” perfectly horrible in the best possible way.” – Tom Long, Detroit News
Armchair Analysis: In case you missed Vince’s review, he hated ParaNorman [false! I only mostly disliked it! -Ed], and that’s unfortunate. I have been looking forward to this film – preachy or not – for quite some time, and I shall see it and make my own opinion with a panel of children afterward for ice cream. No, it’s totally cool, those charges were dropped.
Sparkle
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 55% critics, 77% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Often seems like a flat, straightforward Supremes biopic in its adherence to seemingly pointless scenes and exposition.” – Sara Stewart, New York Post
“’Sparkle’ trafficks in the same gorgeous Motown style — sonic and visual — that made the original film, and ‘Dreamgirls’ after it, such delectable fun.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: How long until the “Whitney Houston deserves a posthumous Oscar” talk starts up? Here’s a pissy “STOP IT” in advance. Also, “HURRRRRR Sparkle stars Jordin Sparks HURRRRRR.” Haha, good job, clever people.
Cosmopolis
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 63% critics, 45% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“David Cronenberg meets Don DeLillo at last, and it’s as if all the angels of heaven have come together. And said nothing.” – Kyle Smith, New York Post (“OH SNAP,” yelled Kyle Smith to his cat.)
“It’s like a dream that engages and drifts, until waking with a start in a finale that’s as bracing and raw as the rest of the film is coolly distant.” – Scott Tobias, NPR
Armchair Analysis: I’m going to see this just for my B-before-H solidarity with Robert Pattinson.