Opening Everywhere: Prometheus, Madagascar 3, Bel Ami
Never Heard Of It: The Bad Penny
FilmDrunk Suggests: PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS! PROMETHEUS!
Prometheus
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 74% critics, 87% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“In the end, Ridley Scott means to bring wonder and horror back to summertime spectacle, and ‘Prometheus’ mostly succeeds in that regard. (Mostly.)” – My college buddy William Goss, Film.com
“But to find a film this beautifully made and thoughtful and, OK, frightening, in the midst of summer slop blockbuster season is downright wondrous. ‘Prometheus’ is genuinely epic.” – Tom Long, Detroit News
Armchair Analysis: First it was a prequel to Alien, which made me super rock hard excited. Then it wasn’t a prequel to Alien, which still made me rock hard excited. It doesn’t matter. It’s a movie about evil aliens with Charlize Theron in a super tight outfit and it’s got Assbender. What the hell else could I ask for?
Madagascar 3
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 74% critics, 86% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Describing this as the ‘best’ of the abysmal animated ‘Madagascar’ trilogy is like indicating a slight preference for being locked in a sweatbox instead of waterboarded: Either way, you feel enormous gratitude when it’s over.” – Lou Lumenick, NY Post (I love this guy.)
“The screenplay, by Eric Darnell and Noah Baumbach, churns out the snappy witticisms with admirable creative gusto, but it whizzes along at such a frenetic pace that you’ll probably miss half of them.” – Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle (Fortunately, Amy caught all of them because she’s so astute and intelligent.)
Armchair Analysis: Great, talking animals go on another adventure. Sure, studios could make original animated films like Brave and Wreck-It Ralph tell time-honored stories with new characters and scenery. Or they could just be lazy, hire the same actors and make the same jokes. Whatever. Sit your kids down, give them some Skittles and go get a beer.
Bel Ami
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 30% critics, 44% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“With his transparent thoughts and his odd way of moving his lips before any sound comes out of them, Pattinson is an idiosyncratic leading man, two parts James Dean to one part Tony Perkins. It’s a pleasure to watch him onscreen and wait for the explosion.” – Vince’s BFF Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle (I can’t even describe how much I hate that quote.)
“Georges Duroy is not a person, you see, so much as an insatiable appetite. That may be fine for a movie about bloodsuckers, but “Bel Ami” suffers from the lack of a relatable protagonist, or at least one with a beating heart.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post
Armchair Analysis: This almost made the “Haven’t Heard Of It” challenge, but it has R-Patts so I went ahead and looked it up. Have fun, ladies. Maybe bring some of your sex slave rope.
The Bad Penny
Starring: Casey Thomas Evans, Tom Arnold, Bai Ling
My Guess: This is the story of a fat, overrated MLB pitcher who somehow bagged Alyssa Milano on the tail end of her prime and finally realizes he’s washed up, so he goes to China to play baseball. There, he meets and falls in love with Bai Ling, who sleeps with him and rips his penis off as her trophy of conquest, because I imagine she’s into that kind of stuff.
Actual Plot Summary: “A former American boxer now exiled in Bangkok, is forced to confront his violent past after meeting a mysterious fight fan from his hometown.”
Verdict: That actually doesn’t sound all that terrible. Except, well, Tom Arnold.