Weekend Movie Guide: Where's John Carter From Again?

Senior Writer
03.09.12 12 Comments

"I must warn you... Martian women have a vagina and a death hole, so no oopsies, okay?"

Opening on Earth and Uranus: John Carter, A Thousand Words, Silent House, Friends with Kids

FilmDrunk Suggests: John Carter. Just go see it. It was expensive to make, so Disney needs your money.

"See? Right here... for a good time, call John Carter's mom."

John Carter

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 50% critics, 72% audience, 66% intergalactic porn fetishists

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“I don’t usually bring up a film’s budget in a review, but the reported $250 million price tag for ‘John Carter’ gives one pause. I suppose one could argue that masterpieces have no price. Then again, ‘John Carter’ is no masterpiece.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

“You want to know more about this world, the lives and causes on it, and how it will all end. In those final moments of screen light, Martian and Earther will blend, and you’ll find yourself wanting to go back, wanting to know more.” – Our home slice Laremy Legel, Film.com

Armchair Analysis: I’m excited to see this one. Remember, while Vince hated Cowboys and Aliens, I loved it (Hi, Damon Lindelof!) because I was able to read a title like Cowboys and Aliens and think, “Well this should be entertaining if I pay $12 expecting a film about cowboys fighting aliens and don’t get lost in silly plot details like where they keep getting all of their bullets or bad acting.” I hope to enjoy a movie about a Civil War soldier who somehow winds up on Mars, fighting an alien race bent on dominating our universe. Call me crazy.

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