First things first: There’s a brand new deluxe blu-ray box set of the Indiana Jones films out today. Yes, it includes the fourth one, but no, you shouldn’t bitch about it because it really isn’t that much worse than the other three. As for truly new DVDs, there’s The Cabin In The Woods, and a bunch of other crap that isn’t nearly as good. We’ve got Olivia Munn, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Adrien Brody, Pierce Brosnan, Ethan Hawke, and Michael Biehn. There’s zombies vampires, sharks, dragons, and even an angel. What more could you want?
The Cabin In The Woods
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
The Magic Of Belle Isle
The Woman In The Fifth
Dawn Of The Dragonslayer
You want to know which movie is all about vibrators? Want to know which one is full of old British people? Maybe they are the same movie. The only way to know for sure is to continue reading on the next page. If you find the thought of dried up, old women with bad teeth drilling themselves with power dildos off-putting, click here for the Netflix suggestions, because I always keep those nice and classy.
Last week, Burnsy wrote that if he had a gun to his head and had to pick the best movie of the year, it would be between Magic Mike or The Avengers. Now, I haven’t seen either of those flicks yet, but I have had a gun to my head (it seems to be the only way I can get an erection anymore), and my vote for best movie I’ve seen this year is The Cabin In The Woods. Not to be too spoiler-anal (Incidentally, Anal Spoiler would be a great band name), but this really is a movie that is more fun the less you know about it. So, I won’t be mentioning it again. I won’t even share the trailer. In fact, if you know anything about it -and haven’t yet seen it- you know too much. Instead, I’ll use this opportunity to run down some of the other new DVDs this week: Katy Perry The Movie: Part Of Me –the only parts of Ms. Perry I want to see probably can’t be shown in this PG movie. Something From Nothing: The Art Of Rap –Ice-T directs this documentary about rap music. My grandma was a master at the art of wrap; her Christmas gifts always looked like works of art. Chico & Rita –This flick was nominated for the Best Animated Film Oscar. Apparently this film features full-frontal female nudity. Shame the animation looks like it was drawn by a toddler with a meth addiction. The Encounter: Paradise Lost –This Christian flick is about six strangers stranded at a Thai beach resort. Jesus comes and converts them all. For real. He shows up and is all like, “Hey, I’m the J-man. Worship me, bitches!” I’m pretty sure the Bible says the second coming would be a little more global. Plus, this would technically be the third coming, as this is a sequel to a movie where the exact same thing happens, but instead it was five strangers at a diner. Brawler –Remember that movie with Tom Hardy and Nick Nolte, Warrior? Want to see a cheap knock-off? Super Cyclone –The Asylum’s entry this week. Nicholas Turturro stars, and his mother wishes he could get more pederast roles like his brother John. Winning Favor –Dove Foundation approved film about basketball or something. The only ‘trailer’ I watched was about an old lady making four kids split a cookie just so she could have a whole one to herself. Really. What bugs me is that she has these cookies just loose in her purse. Disgusting. American Maniacs –Six members of an Evangelical Christian group get abducted, tortured and killed by a group of –presumably patriotic- maniacs. Jesus should’ve stepped in here instead of at that Thai beach resort. Gone Hollywood –A telenovela star takes over his family’s restaurant. The twist? It’s Chinese food. Not really, it’s exactly what you would think, complete with a Mariachi band for comic relief. St. Roz –place a candle in front of the statue of some saint, and you lose a pound of fat. Because God hates the fatties. I’m pretty sure it says so in the Beatitudes. Strings –A psychological thriller about a guy who decides the best thing for his family is for him to fake his own death and start over with a new life and identity. In my day, we would just go to the corner store for some cigarettes and never come back. Nowadays, it’s not healthy to smoke and the taxes on cigarettes are insane. Thanks a lot, Obama. Last but not least:
Broken Lizard’s Jay Chandrasekhar directs this comedy starring Paul Schneider and Olivia Munn. It’s about robbing a sperm bank. Last month, Chandrasekhar and Kevin Heffernan (also of Broken Lizard, also in this movie) participated in a FilmDrunk live Q&A to promote this film. Reading over the Q&A, I kept seeing references to Super Troopers, and it dawned on me that I haven’t seen it –or any Broken Lizard flicks, actually. Well I finally watched Super Troopers about a week ago and you all over-hyped it. It wasn’t bad, it was fine –but it was just fine. I’ll probably track down their other flicks, but I’m not in any hurry. As for this film, it’s not actually a Broken Lizard flick as it was written by Gerry Swallow and Peter Gaulke, the duo behind such hits as Ice Age: The Meltdown, Black Night, and Say It Isn’t So. So, it’s probably right on par with Super Troopers. (Seriously, am I missing something? I was sober when I saw it. Was that the problem?)
Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, and Maggie Smith play retirees who travel to India with the expectation of enjoying their golden years at a luxurious resort. Instead, they find a dump run by that kid from Slumdog Millionaire and The Last Airbender. Will they overcome their preconceived notions and fall in love with the run-down old place? I knew a guy in college who was genuinely infatuated with Judi Dench. He swore up and down that she was the most attractive woman he’d ever seen. This same dude could sort out M&M’s by taste. He could take a whole mouthful, swish them around a bit, and then announce ‘Red!’ and spit out a red one. ‘Blue!’ and spit out a blue one. He could do it with just a few, or with an entire bagful in his mouth. He could even do it with the seasonal colors. It was pretty neat, actually. Sometime after college, he came out of the closet, which only sort of begins to explain the Judi Dench thing and doesn’t really explain the M&M’s at all. Getting back to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel…um, nope.
Rob Reiner directs this gentle family drama about Monte Wildhorn, a disabled, alcoholic former writer, and his neighbors, the O’Neils, a family of three daughters living with their single mom. Wildhorn’s played by Morgan Freeman, and the mom’s played by Virginia Madsen, and this movie should’ve been called The Cliché of Cliché Cliché. I watched this (yes, that’s right, I’ve seen this but not The Avengers. I’m kind of odd in my viewing selections), and the story is so predictable that you can actually start guessing the exact lines of dialogue before the characters speak them. What’s really strange is that while being totally cliché, the movie also makes no sense whatsoever. For example, Freeman’s an alcoholic –but only in as much as the characters say he is one. You never see him drunk, and halfway through the film, he just decides to stop drinking -and he does, with absolutely no side-effects or discomfort of any sort. No de-tox period or AA meetings or anything. Just so, we’re told that he’s a mean old goat (by Keenan Thompson, of all people) but he’s perfectly nice to everyone throughout the whole movie. The only time he even gets agitated is at a birthday party clown who is being rude to everyone (as movie birthday clowns always are). The clown calls Madsen’s kid a dummy or a bitch or something so Freeman pulls out a gun, fires it, and threatens the clown with it. AND EVERYONE CHEERS HIM ON. He fires a gun –at a kid’s birthday party- and everyone loves him for it. If you were wondering if there’s a lovably retarded man in this film, and whether or not Freeman befriends him, and more-or-less cures him through the power of friendship, well there is, and he does. That about sums it up.