FilmDrunk

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: The Cabin In The Woo —AHHH! No Spoilers!!!

First things first: There’s  a brand new deluxe blu-ray box set of the Indiana Jones films out today.  Yes, it includes the fourth one, but no, you shouldn’t bitch about it because it really isn’t that much worse than the other three.  As for truly new DVDs, there’s The Cabin In The Woods, and a bunch of other crap that isn’t nearly as good.  We’ve got Olivia Munn, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Adrien Brody, Pierce Brosnan, Ethan Hawke, and Michael Biehn.  There’s zombies vampires, sharks, dragons, and even an angel.  What more could you want?

The DVDs:
The Cabin In The Woods
The Babymakers
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
The Magic Of Belle Isle
Hysteria
Detachment
Conception
Salvation Boulevard
The Woman In The Fifth
The Revenant
The Do-Deca-Pentathlon
The Victim
Bait
Dawn Of The Dragonslayer
Godforsaken
Battlefield America

You want to know which movie is all about vibrators?  Want to know which one is full of old British people?  Maybe they are the same movie.  The only way to know for sure is to continue reading on the next page.  If  you find the thought of dried up, old women with bad teeth drilling themselves with power dildos off-putting, click here for the Netflix suggestions, because I always keep those nice and classy.


The Cabin In The Woods

Last week, Burnsy wrote that if he had a gun to his head and had to pick the best movie of the year, it would be between Magic Mike or The Avengers.  Now, I haven’t seen either of those flicks yet, but I have had a gun to my head (it seems to be the only way I can get an erection anymore), and my vote for best movie I’ve seen this year is The Cabin In The Woods.  Not to be too spoiler-anal (Incidentally, Anal Spoiler would be a great band name), but this really is a movie that is more fun the less you know about it.  So, I won’t be mentioning it again.  I won’t even share the trailer.  In fact, if you know anything about it -and haven’t yet seen it- you know too much. Instead, I’ll use this opportunity to run down some of the other new DVDs this week: Katy Perry The Movie: Part Of Me –the only parts of Ms. Perry I want to see probably can’t be shown in this PG movie.  Something From Nothing: The Art Of Rap –Ice-T directs this documentary about rap music. My grandma was a master at the art of wrap; her Christmas gifts always looked like works of art. Chico & Rita –This flick was nominated for the Best Animated Film Oscar.  Apparently this film features full-frontal female nudity.  Shame the animation looks like it was drawn by a toddler with a meth addiction.  The Encounter: Paradise Lost –This Christian flick is about six strangers stranded at a Thai beach resort.  Jesus comes and converts them all.  For real.  He shows up and is all like, “Hey, I’m the J-man.  Worship me, bitches!” I’m pretty sure the Bible says the second coming would be a little more global.  Plus, this would technically be the third coming, as this is a sequel to a movie where the exact same thing happens, but instead it was five strangers at a diner. Brawler –Remember that movie with Tom Hardy and Nick Nolte, Warrior? Want to see a cheap knock-off? Super Cyclone –The Asylum’s entry this week.  Nicholas Turturro stars, and his mother wishes he could get more pederast roles like his brother John. Winning Favor –Dove Foundation approved film about basketball or something.  The only ‘trailer’ I watched was about an old lady making four kids split a cookie just so she could have a whole one to herself.  Really.  What bugs me is that she has these cookies just loose in her purse.  Disgusting. American Maniacs –Six members of an Evangelical Christian group get abducted, tortured and killed by a group of –presumably patriotic- maniacs.  Jesus should’ve stepped in here instead of at that Thai beach resort. Gone Hollywood –A telenovela star takes over his family’s restaurant.  The twist?  It’s Chinese food.  Not really, it’s exactly what you would think, complete with a Mariachi band for comic relief. St. Roz –place a candle in front of the statue of some saint, and you lose a pound of fat. Because God hates the fatties.  I’m pretty sure it says so in the Beatitudes.  Strings –A psychological thriller about a guy who decides the best thing for his family is for him to fake his own death and start over with a new life and identity. In my day, we would just go to the corner store for some cigarettes and never come back.  Nowadays, it’s not healthy to smoke and the taxes on cigarettes are insane.  Thanks a lot, Obama.  Last but not least:


The Babymakers

Broken Lizard’s Jay Chandrasekhar directs this comedy starring Paul Schneider and Olivia Munn.  It’s about robbing a sperm bank. Last month, Chandrasekhar and Kevin Heffernan (also of Broken Lizard, also in this movie) participated in a FilmDrunk live Q&A to promote this film.  Reading over the Q&A, I kept seeing references to Super Troopers, and it dawned on me that I haven’t seen it –or any Broken Lizard flicks, actually.  Well I finally watched Super Troopers about a week ago and you all over-hyped it.  It wasn’t bad, it was fine –but it was just fine.  I’ll probably track down their other flicks, but I’m not in any hurry.  As for this film, it’s not actually a Broken Lizard flick as it was written by Gerry Swallow and Peter Gaulke, the duo behind such hits as Ice Age: The Meltdown, Black Night, and Say It Isn’t So.  So, it’s probably right on par with Super Troopers.  (Seriously, am I missing something? I was sober when I saw it.  Was that the problem?)


The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, and Maggie Smith play retirees who travel to India with the expectation of enjoying their golden years at a luxurious resort.  Instead, they find a dump run by that kid from Slumdog Millionaire and The Last Airbender.  Will they overcome their preconceived notions and fall in love with the run-down old place?  I knew a guy in college who was genuinely infatuated with Judi Dench.  He swore up and down that she was the most attractive woman he’d ever seen.  This same dude could sort out M&M’s by taste.  He could take a whole mouthful, swish them around a bit, and then announce ‘Red!’ and spit out a red one.  ‘Blue!’ and spit out a blue one.  He could do it with just a few, or with an entire bagful in his mouth.  He could even do it with  the seasonal colors.  It was pretty neat, actually.  Sometime after college, he came out of the closet, which only sort of begins to explain the Judi Dench thing and doesn’t really explain the M&M’s at all.  Getting back to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel…um, nope.


The Magic Of Belle Isle

Rob Reiner directs this gentle family drama about Monte Wildhorn, a disabled, alcoholic former writer, and his neighbors, the O’Neils, a family of three daughters living with their single mom.  Wildhorn’s played by Morgan Freeman, and the mom’s played by Virginia Madsen, and this movie should’ve been called The Cliché of Cliché Cliché.  I watched this (yes, that’s right, I’ve seen this but not The Avengers.  I’m kind of odd in my viewing selections), and the story is so predictable that you can actually start guessing the exact lines of dialogue before the characters speak them.  What’s really strange is that while being totally cliché, the movie also makes no sense whatsoever.  For example, Freeman’s an alcoholic –but only in as much as the characters say he is one.  You never see him drunk, and halfway through the film, he just decides to stop drinking -and he does, with absolutely no side-effects or discomfort of any sort.  No de-tox period or AA meetings or anything.  Just so, we’re told that he’s a mean old goat (by Keenan Thompson, of all people) but he’s perfectly nice to everyone throughout the whole movie.  The only time he even gets agitated is at a birthday party clown who is being rude to everyone (as movie birthday clowns always are).  The clown calls Madsen’s kid a dummy or a bitch or something so Freeman pulls out a gun, fires it, and threatens the clown with it.  AND EVERYONE CHEERS HIM ON.  He fires a gun –at a kid’s birthday party- and everyone loves him for it. If you were wondering if there’s a lovably retarded man in this film, and whether or not Freeman befriends him, and more-or-less cures him through the power of friendship, well there is, and he does.  That about sums it up.


Hysteria

Yes, this is that Maggie Gyllenhaal movie about the invention of the vibrator.  Vince shared the trailer for this over a year ago and wrote:

That’s right, the vibrator was invented by a dude named “Mort.”

You’re goddamned right it was.


Detachment

Adrien Brody stars as a substitute teacher in this drama from Tony Kaye, the guy who directed American History X.  It co-stars Marcia Gay Harden, James Caan, Christina Hendricks, Lucy Liu, Blythe Danner, Tim Blake Nelson, William Petersen, Bryan Cranston, and Isiah Whitlock Jr.  Brody’s character, Henry, is a man who tries to live his life detached from anyone and anything, but he makes a connection with three women, who ‘awaken a secret world of emotion within him…Each one of these women, like Henry, are in a life and death struggle to find beauty in a seemingly vicious and loveless world.’ If that synopsis didn’t turn you off, I’ll point out that the box calls this ‘A Tony Kaye Talkie’, as if non-silent films are unique or Tony Kaye is great director.  It’s common knowledge that he disowned American History X after Edward Norton’s personal edit became the official cut. I’ve never even heard of his other non-documentary films.  If you had any doubt that this guy likes to jack off while looking at his own butthole, his next film is called Attachment (as opposed to detachment, get it?) and it stars Sharon Stone and Draco Malfoy. Yes, it’s about their affair, and his subsequent stalking of her.  I can’t wait.


Conception

What the hell’s up with all these pregnancy flicks hitting DVD lately? There’s this, The Babymakers, What To Expect When You’re Expecting, Small, Beautifully Moving Parts, and L!fe Happens -and those all came out on DVD in the past month. This one’s an ensemble comedy -starring a bunch of TV actors- about the wacky misunderstandings that occur after you get knocked up at an orgy.  Who’s the father?  Is it that dude who played Wash on Firefly?  Is it that guy who plays the gay dude on Warehouse 13?  Maybe it’s Rafi from The League.  Or maybe it’s that single guy from The Single Guy. Or maybe it’s David Arquette, who is the most TV-actory film actor ever.  Or maybe I lied about the whole orgy thing and this is another ensemble comedy just like What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and the ladies are played by Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights, the blonde mom from Modern Family, the doctor from Falling Skies, Pamela from Louie (Those two play lesbians, which confuses me on the whole ‘conception’ thing), and also the slutty older daughter from Modern Family. So yeah, it’s just another ‘wacky’ ensemble comedy about sex and relationships.  They should totally make that orgy movie, though.  Or more to the point, the mother and daughter from Modern Family should make an orgy movie together.  They could even bring in Sophia Vergara, who plays the step-mother/grandmother to the other two on Modern Family.  It could be a three-generation lesbian incest-orgy.  Call me crude if you must, but admit it, that sounds better than another f*cking pregnancy rom-com. At least my wife thinks so; it was her idea. I’m a lucky man.


Salvation Boulevard

Pierce Brosnan plays the pastor of a mega-church, and when he accidentally kills liberal atheist professor Ed Harris, he fingers honest parishioner Greg Kinnear as the killer.  The impressive cast also includes Ciaran Hinds, Jim Gaffigan, Marisa Tomei, and Jennifer Connelly.  Back in July of 2011, Vince correctly pointed out that the only press this movie was getting was that it was running at 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.  In short, this film ain’t very good.  But, try to look at the brighter side: it’s now up to 21%! Honestly though, the subject matter appeals to me.  I’ve known these people (mega-church congregants) my whole life, and the premise –farcical though it may seem- is actually totally believable. The Jennifer Connelly freak-out at 1:35 in the trailer?  I’ve actually seen that happen.  It was my sister.  I wish I was joking.  Just like I wish this movie was better reviewed, because I’m totally going to watch it. If nothing else, it looks like we’re getting a Jennifer Connelly/ Marisa Tomei cat fight, and they’re both known for their ‘brave’ nudity, so count your blessings. At least nobody’s pregnant.


The Woman In The Fifth

This French thriller stars Ethan Hawke as an American writer looking to ‘put his life back together’ so he can win back the love of his wife and child.  Kristin Scott Thomas is the enigmatic older woman with whom he starts a passionate affair after meeting coincidentally. Their relationship triggers a ‘string of inexplicable events…as if an obscure power was taking control of his life’.  Obviously, that’s all from the official synopsis, but the trailer (as they usually do) seems to give the whole plot away.  Thomas is responsible for all the ‘inexplicable events’ and their meeting each other wasn’t coincidence.  She’s manipulating him and his life, possibly to give him the strife and tragedy all writers need to be good at their craft.  I’m guessing the writer of this flick has lived a very easy-going life.  (I’m saying the movie looks dumb, in case that wasn’t clear.)


The Revenant

When a dead soldier stops being dead, he and his pal discover that he requires blood to stay ‘alive’.  So they do what anybody would do, and enact some vigilante justice on the criminals of Los Angeles. They get the blood, society gets to be rid of crime, so everybody wins.  Oh, and they turn the best friend into an undead vigilante as well, because it’s obviously more fun than being a living non-vigilante. Vince is notoriously picky about his zombie flicks (in short, he doesn’t like them), but even he said this looked kinda good.  Of course, he’s wrong about this being a zombie flick (they say ‘vampire’ more than once in the trailer), but I’m not here to sh*t in his cereal. The point is, this trailer starts out with a baby getting hit by a truck, so the movie’s probably pretty good. I mean, name one movie that has a baby getting run over that wasn’t awesome?


The Do-Deca-Pentathlon

This is the latest comedy from The Duplass Brothers. This time, the grown men acting like children are two brothers who participate in a series of 25 ‘events’ to see who wins more of them, and is therefore the better man.  This comedy was actually shot before the Duplass Brothers’ previous two films, Jeff Who Lives At Home, a comedy about two brothers acting like children, and Cyrus, a comedy about a guy in his twenties acting like a child when his mother brings home a new boyfriend. Beginning to see a pattern? These guys are really fascinated about grown men who haven’t matured mentally or emotionally. I bet kids with progeria think the Duplass Brothers are real assh*les.


The Victim

First, the official synopsis:

Annie’s life is in jeopardy after she’s witnessed the horrific rape and murder of her closest friend. Fleeing from two attackers she stumbles across Kyle, a recluse living in the middle of the woods. Kyle finds the stillness of the woods comforting. The ruggedly handsome loner stays far from civilization – that is – until a single knock on his door throws his solitary life into chaos. Two worlds collide in this psychological thriller that will make you question your trust in mankind.

This cheap attempt at grindhouse filmmaking gets our attention for one reason and one reason only: Kyle is played by 80’s star Michael Biehn.  He also wrote and directed this film. Now go back and re-read that official synopsis.  He refers to himself as ruggedly handsome! I’m surprised he didn’t mention his amazing abs and massive dong as well.


Bait

This is that sharks-attack-people-in-a-super-market flick you’ve wanted to see since Vince wrote about it in May.  This film has six writers, including the guy who directed Highlander. He’s only got two other writing credits, and one of them is for writing the treatment for the music video for Billy Joel’s Allentown. I’m including that Allentown video below as well as the Bait trailer, because it is the most unintentionally gay thing I have ever seen.  Come for the bare-assed greasy dudes showering, stay for the fire-dancing!


Dawn Of The Dragonslayer

So I noticed that this film was originally titled Paladin: Dawn Of The Dragon Slayer, and that this film’s director, Anne K. Black’s next film was called The Crown And The Dragon, but was originally titled, The Crown And The Dragon: The Paladin Cycle, so I began to wonder if these were supposed to be a series, but I couldn’t find anything concrete, like, the cast lists don’t seem to have any of the same characters but still, they both are ‘dragon’ this and ‘paladin’ that, plus ‘The Paladin Cycle’ really suggests a series, you know, so then I began to wonder if they were intended to be a series, but are now marketed as separate films, but then I realized that I was wasting a lot of time for a movie that doesn’t look worth watching in the first place, and thus, this run-on sentence was born.


Godforsaken

A fallen angel who holds himself responsible for the death of the child he was meant to protect involves himself in a ‘crime case’ that ‘follows on from the child’s death’. However, the detectives involved regard him more as a suspect than an ally.  First of all, you should hold yourself responsible –you were the kid’s guardian angel.  Literally.  You had one goddamn job to do and you f*cked it up.  That’s why you’re fallen.  God has no patience for dumbsh*ts who can’t follow directions.  Second, if the trailer’s any indication, your wings pop out more often than you blink, so show the detectives your wings, and get on with the investigation.  Not that I’m surprised you hadn’t thought of that.  You really are a horrible angel. In fact, I’m guessing the kid died when you accidentally stabbed him with that sword.  Why do you even have that?  What’s that for? You’re not in the midst of medieval battle.  We have guns now, so just put it away.  You’re standing on a cat-walk, high above the city, at night, in the rain.  You are asking for trouble.  You’re gonna slip and drop that thing and somebody else is going to get impaled.  Think for once in your eternal life.  Jesus Christ, man.


Battlefield America

Speaking of Jesus, Vince was truly doing the Lord’s work back in April when he shared this film with us. His words:

I just heard about Battlefield America, and I’m speechless. Someone has remade You Got Served with 10-year-olds. In the trailer, which is below, one of the 10-year-olds says to another 10-year-old, “We run the game out here!” I hope that by “game” he means jax or Nintendo, but I do not think that he means jax or Ninetendo. There is a white kid with a mohawk made of cornrows. THERE IS A WHITE KID WITH A MOHAWK MADE OF CORNROWS. Please, watch this trailer and call your congressperson, kids should not be saving the rec center this young.

Vince missed a very important point, however: It wasn’t just ‘somebody’ remaking You Got Served.  It was Chris Stokes, the exact same writer/director. HE REMADE HIS OWN MOVIE WITH KIDS.  This opens up a whole new world of cinematic opportunities.  Imagine if every director got to remake their movies with children. Oh my god you guys, what if Werner Herzog remade The Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans with children?  I never knew thinking about kids could give me this big of an erection.

Burnsy’s told us his picks for best film of the year, I’ve shared mine, and if I had to guess, The FP would be Vince’s. Why else would it be the only flick in the history of this weekly DVD post that he checks with me in advance to make sure I’m mentioning? He did it when the DVD came out, and he’s doing it now that it is streaming via Netflix. So, let it be known: The FP is now streaming. Of course, I’m sure you’ve all already purchased it (to get that nifty FilmDrunk sticker off the cover), so here’s the other new streaming additions: Elles, Goats, Vile, The Grey, Entrance, and Exit Humanity. For my suggestions, this week I thought I would stick to films I truly and sincerely enjoy:

Rango

This Johnny Depp cartoon western won the Best Animated Film Oscar (beating Chico & Rita), and The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’s Bill Nighy provides one of the voices.  Besides having amazingly beautiful animation, the movie is just plain funny.  Given that it has the same director and star, it almost gives one hope that The Lone Ranger won’t suck.  I mean, it will most certainly suck, but you can hope it won’t.

This Is Spinal Tap

Long before The Magic Of Belle Isle, Rob Reiner used to be a director of great films, and this –his debut- is one of his very best.  If you haven’t seen it, do so now.  If you have, you should still see it again because Reiner’s other classics, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally…, Misery, and A Few Good Men don’t seem to be streaming. For real, how did the director of all of those movies degrade into the hack that made Belle Isle? He hasn’t made a good movie in twenty years, but his good movies are really great movies.  I’m guessing he ran afoul of a gypsy that cursed him while making North.

Donnie Darko

I know a lot of people hate this movie, which co-stars Hysteria’s Maggie Gyllenhaal, but I suspect what they really hate is the obnoxiousness of this film’s fans.  Sure the movie’s not perfect, but it sure is fun to watch, and it has Patrick Swayze’s best performance.  (I feel it only fair to point out that I have never seen Road House or Point Break, but I have seen Dirty Dancing, so I stand firm in my opinions.)

A Matador’s Mistress

I really wanted to give this spot to The Matador, a fine, wholly under-rated film starring Salvation Boulevard’s Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear, but it isn’t streaming.  Instead, when I searched for ‘matador’ this came up, and it stars Detachment’s Adrien Brody as a bullfighter. That’s close enough for government work, so it’s close enough for me.  So, yes, I lied, I’m not only recommending movies I truly and sincerely enjoy.  I’m sorry. This film’s also got Penelope Cruz, if that helps. I bet it’s awesome –who wouldn’t want to watch a bullfighting movie starring a guy best known for playing a WWII-era Polish Jew?

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