FilmDrunk

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD and Streaming: The Coke Wizard's Oscar-Winning Triumph

It’s Tuesday! This week we’ve got plenty of people you’ve heard of starring in movies you haven’t.  Dennis Quaid! Dane Cook! Rob Lowe! Jeremy Piven! Also, just as many people you’ve never heard of.  It’s not a big week for top-tier Hollywood releases; you’ve basically just got Hugo, but at least you can check out the Coke Wizard’s Oscar-winning cinematography.

This week’s DVDs:
Hugo
Beneath The Darkness
Johnny English Reborn
I Melt With You
Answers To Nothing
Insight
Born 2 Race
The Catechism Cataclysm
Bounty Hunters
The Myth Of The American Sleepover
Tomorrow, When The War Began
El monstro del mar!
Wolf Town
Mandrill
Stags
Is This A Joke?

You know the drill, keep clicking for the DVD details, click here for some new choices streaming on Netflix.

Hugo

Martin Scorsese took his first leap into 3-D film-making and nabbed a Best Picture Oscar nomination in the process. Just imagine what he could’ve done with the technology while making his earlier films. The head-in-a-vise scene from Casino would’ve been really eye-popping.  If you have the equipment, buy the 3-D blu-ray and see it as the Coke Wizard truly intended.

Beneath The Darkness

Speaking of Scorsese, this film’s director, Martin Guigui is the writer/ director of the “in production” project Raging Bull II. Seriously. As for this film, Dennis Quaid turns in a subtle performance as a sweater vest wearing homicidal maniac. How is it possible that of the brothers Quaid, only Randy is an Oscar nominee?


Johnny English Reborn

The sequel everyone wanted is finally on DVD!  I’ll be honest, I had no idea that this movie had already come and gone from the theaters. The trailer looks like one long nut-shot, until you get to the actual nut-shot, and then you just kind of feel bad for everyone involved.  I never thought I’d say this, but I prefer the subtle and dignified humor (humour?) of Mr. Bean. [Vince’s Note: I actually reviewed this for the Portland Mercury, if you’re interested. I enjoy that the lone comment is ‘That’s the Mr. Bean guy, right?’]


I Melt With You

Thomas Jane, Jeremy Piven, Rob Lowe, and some British dude with a horrible American accent play four friends spending a drug-fueled week lamenting the failures their lives have become and mourning their lost potential.  I’ve seen this movie and it is so horrible you have to wonder if the cast was acting or just tapping into the reality of having careers that led to being involved with this piece of crap. [Vince’s Note: It cannot be overstated how unbelievably terrible this movie is. How the screenwriter managed to complete such a totally one-note script is a modern marvel.]

Answers To Nothing

Dane Cook stars in this sad-people-adrift-in-the-world-just-looking-for-some-kind-of-connection-with-another-lost-soul drama. Despite the title, the trailer at least does provide the answer to one question:  What looks so bad that you’d rather watch a Dane Cook stand-up special?

Insight

You know how whenever you see something with Christopher Lloyd, you kind of wish that the only character he ever played was Doc Brown from Back To The Future? This movie achieves the same effect for the careers of Natalie Zea (Winona from Justified) and Adam Baldwin (Jayne from Firefly/Casey from Chuck). It also stars Christopher Lloyd.


Born 2 Race

Sometime between the trailer being cut and the box art being finalized, this movie changed its title from Born To Race to Born 2 Race.  Obviously, they want to make it very clear that this is a Fast & Furious knockoff (but without any scary ethnic characters).  They even got Joseph Cross to be their lower-rent Paul Walker.  The only person more surprised than I am that there is a lower-rent Paul Walker is Paul Walker.


The Catechism Cataclysm

Stevie from Eastbound & Down plays a priest taking a canoe trip with his high school idol. It’s supposed to be a pretty weird movie.  On the one hand, it’s produced by the Eastbound and Down creators, and I like their other films (The Foot Fist Way, Observe and Report, etc.), but on the other hand, the trailer seems a little “meh”.

Bounty Hunters

WWE lady-wrestler Trish Stratus attempts to prove she’s more than a pretend fighter by pretend fighting in this action flick.  The only WWE lady-wrestler I would ever watch star in any movie is Candice Michelle, and that’s only because I went to school with her.


The Myth Of The American Sleepover

Many critics praised this independent film for its realistic portrayal of the social life of American teenagers. Based on my experiences in high school, this movie’s probably about driving around until 1 a.m. and then watching Real Sex marathons on HBO in your buddy’s basement.  The myth must be that your friend totally knows where his dad hid some porno tapes.  F*ck you, Ryan.


Tomorrow, When The War Began

The writer of such gems as Pirates of the Caribbean, 30 Days of Night, and G.I. Joe directs this Australian Red Dawn knockoff. (They ought to yell “WALLABIES!” instead of “WOLVERINES!”) Embracing the horrible verb tense of the title, I wish they were calling the sequel Tomorrow, When the War Began, Too.


El monstro del mar!

1960s exploitation flick meets 1950s creature-feature in this modern day Ozploitation piece.  The part that I don’t get is why men can fish in peace but if women get near the water, they lure a monster from the depths.  Was it because they were all on their periods?  I bet it was; moon cycles controlling the tides, plus blood in the water, that whole thing.

Wolf Town

The guy who plays the bully who turns out to be gay on Glee co-stars in this movie that nobody’s ever heard of.  If instead of Wolf Town they titled this movie A Kid From Glee And His Wiener Friends Get Attacked By A Pack Of Wolves it would’ve out-grossed Avatar.


Mandrill

This Chilean action flick could be pretty good.  There’s some pretty entertaining face kicks in the trailer, at any rate.  I’ll be honest though, based on the title and the box art, I was pretty sure this was going to be a documentary about a gay night club.


Stags

‘I “like” this film. I think the actors are really great “and” it is super funny. I don’t want to “brag” but I ought to know. Because I wrote “and” directed it. And I read a superlot.’  –Actual Amazon.com review, verbatim, left by the film’s “director”. I “bet” he’s the type of guy who tells “a” joke and when “you” don’t laugh, he feels “compelled” to tell you “that” it was “a” joke. I hate those guys.

Is This A Joke?

Good question.  75 minutes of the corniest, hackiest jokes acted out by some of the least camera-comfortable performers ever.  IMDb estimates the budget for this at $100,000.  Just watch the trailers, and imagine it lasting for a full hour and a quarter.  $100,000.  F*ck.

 

If you prefer streaming your entertainment and you’re interested in Beneath The Darkness, The Myth Of The American Sleepover, or Wolf Town, you’re in luck: they are all available now from Netflix.  If you want to watch something newly added to streaming and those don’t float your boat, here’s some alternatives:

Teen Wolf

When I was a kid, I loved this movie and Back To The Future. I’ve seen them each hundreds of times. I thought Michael J. Fox was the man.  Now, as an adult, I can see that he’s no great shakes.


The Lincoln Lawyer

Remember that perfectly average looking John Grisham rip-off with Matthew McConaughey that came out last year?  Here it is.  This movie is the reason why Netflix instant streaming exists.


Semper Fi: Always Faithful

This is a documentary about a Marine Corps cover-up and the death of a drill instructor’s nine-year old daughter as a side-effect of that cover-up. You know The Lincoln Lawyer’s streaming now too, right?


Shut Up Little Man! An Audio Misadventure

The story of two angry roommates and the neighbors who recorded them. If you don’t remember this documentary, check out Vince’s B+ review or re-listen to his interview with one of the subjects on the Frotcast.

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