FilmDrunk

Your Mid-Week Guide to DVD and Streaming: Tower Scheiße

It’s Tuesday and you know what that means – we’ve got a bunch of new old movies from which to choose for our home viewing pleasure.  This week we’ve got quite an eclectic mix: a couple movies that were snubbed by the Oscar nominations, two of Burnsy’s 10 Worst Films of 2011, some British imports, the usual gems that got lost at the theaters, and a half dozen awful looking amateur grindhouse flicks.

Today’s DVD releases:
Tower Heist
The Son Of No One
J. Edgar
Martha Marcy May Marlene
The Way
The Mighty Macs
London Boulevard
Retreat
5 Star Day
POP-U-larity!
Zaat
Jesus, The Total Douchebag

Click on over to the next page for the details.  To jump straight to some new additions streaming on Netflix, click here.

Tower Heist

What’s left to be said?  Vince’s review gave it a C-, which seems generous, compared to Burnsy’s declaring it the worst film of 2011.  Look, if you click on the ‘TOWER HEIST’ tag, you get four pages of FilmDrunk posts.  If you click on ‘BRETT RATNER’ you get 18.  That’s pages, not articles.  It’s on DVD now, and we’re done discussing this.

[Editor’s Note: But it comes with THREE alternate endings! What if one of them is better than the original with the gold car??]

The Son Of No One

Even with his immense fascination and love for C-Tates, Burnsy named this the tenth worst film of last year.  If you’re still curious, it co-stars Al Pacino, Tracy Morgan, Katie Holmes, Juliette Bonoche, Ray Liotta and Rape Liotta.  That’s not a typo; that’s what I call C-Tates with a moustache.

J. Edgar

Leonardo DiCaprio stars in and Clint Eastwood directs this biopic about a controversial figure from American history.  It’s a shame J. Edgar never befriended an autistic ex-slave because the Oscar voters did not take the bait.  Not a single nomination.  They must really think this movie about Hoover sucks.

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Another film everyone expected to get Oscar nominations and ended up with none.  Elizabeth Olson delivers a star-making turn as a young woman who escapes a cult.  I’m more interested in John ‘Teardrop’ Hawkes as the cult leader.  There’s also talk about Olson’s ‘brave’ nudity.  That’s usually code for ‘un-sexy’ but I’ll let my penis make that declaration, thank you very much.

The Way

Emilio Estevez wrote and directed this film about a father (Martin Sheen) honoring his dead son (Estevez) by accompanying the son’s ashes on the 500 mile hike the son died while attempting.  Charlie Sheen was hurt that they didn’t ask him to consult on how to transport powdery substances over long distances.

[Editor’s Note: If you heard this week’s Frotcast, you caught Seymore Butts talk about an ex cheating on him with Emilio Estevez. I guess Gordon Bombay isn’t as mild-mannered as we hoped.]

The Mighty Macs

Carla Gugino and her breasts star as the sexy new coach of the basketball team at an all girls school.  Coach Bosoms guides the nubile young teens on a journey of physical self-discovery and sexual awakening.  What’s that?  It’s a G-rated true story about a Catholic school and Gugino plays a nun?  God damn it…


London Boulevard

This British movie has a 33% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  It barely got a limited release in the U.S. last November.  It’s probably not very good, but the trailer works for me.  That’s probably because I am pretending that Colin Farrell is playing his character from In Bruges.  That movie’s amazing.

Retreat

Jamie Bell arrives at the door of Cillian Murphy and Thandie Newton’s island hideaway, claiming that the apocalypse has arrived. Has it?  Does he have an ulterior motive?  Which over-used plot device is in play: apocalypse or home invasion?  Unlike London Boulevard, this British flick has an awful trailer and a pretty solid Rotten Tomatoes freshness rating, 78%.  That might be due to only having 9 reviews, but there you go.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure the trailer spoils the movie.

5 Star Day

Cam Gigandet headlines this movie about a guy trying to disprove astrology by seeking out the three people who share his exact birth time and location.  His mom’s vag must’ve been wrecked.  Even more strange, Cam Gigandet isn’t the worst thing about this movie.  That honor goes to Jena Malone’s haircut. The DVD came out a couple weeks ago, but today marks the much demanded Blu-ray release.

[Editor’s note: (*vomiting sounds*)]

POP-U-larity!

A mockumentary that mocks American Idol contestants.  The sad part is that the people who made this movie come off as more pathetic and unappealing than the people they are mocking.  It’s like the Inception of ineptitude.  For Christ’s sake, the font used in the trailer is comic sans.


Zaat

The first words of the trailer: “And now…coming to this theater…one of the most incredible stories of modern time.  Zaat: Invasion of the Walking Catfish.”  The last words: “Positively no one…admitted…during the last…fifteen minutes.”  At that point, wouldn’t you just wait for the next showing?  This 1971 creature feature comes in a blu-ray/dvd combo pack. I’m sure the blu-ray version is dazzling.  IMPORTANT UPDATE: For some reason, Amazon is no longer offering this title.  As an alternative, check out this Mystery Science Theater set, which includes Zaat under the title Blood Waters of Dr. Z.


Jesus, The Total Douchebag

I’m going to give it to you straight: there are a bunch of awful looking amateur exploitation/grindhouse/horror flicks hitting DVD today.  The only reason I’m featuring this one is that it stars GWAR’s Oderus Urungus as Satan.  Your other choices are: Bong of the Dead, Return to Blood Fart Lake, Curse of Blanchard Hill, Attack of the Vegan Zombies, and House of Flesh Mannequins.  Trailer slightly NSFW.

With the exception of MST3K’s take on Zaat a.k.a. Blood Waters of Dr. Z (only available until March 16!), none of the movies hitting DVD today are available yet for streaming via Netflix. While you wait, check out these new additions:

Carnosaur

This 1993 dinosaur movie opened exactly three weeks before Jurassic Park hit theatres.  It stars Diane Ladd, whose daughter, Laura Dern, starred in Jurassic Park.  Each film received two crappy sequels.  Can this all be coincidence?  Yes.  Yes it can.

 

Slumber Party Massacre

This film’s director, Amy Holden Jones, went on to write the screenplay for Beethoven.  I guess you could say her career has really gone to the dogs!

 

 

Caged Heat

18 years before he won an Oscar for directing The Silence of the Lambs, Jonathan Demme directed this women-in-prison picture.  What would be the women-in-prison equivalent for Multiple Miggs?

 

Being Elmo

This documentary won’t hit DVD until April, but you can stream it now from Netflix.  It’s supposed to be pretty good.  It might even be the best black-man-fisting-a-puppet documentary yet made.

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