As every moment brings us closer to death, every Tuesday brings us more new old movies to watch at home. This week we’ve got two unnecessary sequels with unnecessary subtitles. There’s also a not-in-drag Tyler Perry, David Cross, Peter Dinklage as a dwarf hooker, some generic monsters, a horror musical, the latest from The Asylum, and once again, Danny Trejo.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance
A Little Bit Of Heaven
You’ll Know My Name
Don’t Go In The Woods
Instead of fixating on the fleeting nature of life, mosey on over to the next page to learn more about each of these important films. If your time among the living is short, click here for some movies you can stream from Netflix right now.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
If you’ve already seen this and were disappointed, shame on you. It’s a Victorian-era, buddy-cop action comedy sequel that ties itself to a well-known literary figure while bearing no resemblance to the original literature. So, if you went to the theater expecting something grand, shame on you. It’s Robert Downey Jr. and friends getting paid millions to f*ck around on camera, so adjust your expectations accordingly. If you watched the flick illegally, shame on you. You didn’t pay a single penny, and yet you feel it’s your right to bitch? The first one made enough money that anyone with half a clue knew there’d be a sequel; I’m just happy that they managed to get the original cast and director and then managed to make a movie that seems to be of the same level of quality as the original. It could’ve been worse: they could’ve called it Sherlock Holmes: The Game Is A Foot and it stars Val Kilmer and it’s about Holmes’ struggle with diabetes.
Most people remember the original Ghost Rider as being a massive bomb, and therefore were a little surprised that it received a sequel, but it actually wasn’t. Way back in February 2007, it was #1 at the box office for two weeks, and stayed in the top 10 for five weeks. Of course, a movie that sells tickets can still be really sh*tty, and Ghost Rider was certainly sh*tty, but it was also certain that it would get a sequel. So, how’d this new one fare? Well, it opened at #4 and sunk off the charts pretty quickly. And yet, I’m willing to bet it’s the better film. For one, the directors are Armond White’s favorite duo, Neveldine/Taylor (the creators of the Crank films), and they seem like they are better suited to handling Nicolas Cage as a devil-battling biker superhero than the original film’s director, Mark Steven Johnson, who wrote Grumpy Old Men and directed Simon Birch. So why’d this one flop? If I had to guess, I’d say it was the combination of audiences remembering the first film (and not fondly) and the PG-13 rating. Nicolas Cage should never be hampered by a PG-13 rating; it’s simply counter-intuitive. No matter what, everyone should see this; FilmDrunk friend Brandon Trost was the cinematographer. Help a brother out. If not, you could check out his next cinematography gig this Friday. It’s That’s My Boy, the Adam Sandler/Andy Samberg movie. So, yeah, help him out and see Ghost Rider 2.
This site has pointed it out before, but in this film Tyler Perry plays a guy named Deeds who does good things. His ‘good deeds’ make him a good Deeds. That’s the level of writing you get with this flick. You know what? Whatever. Good for him. If I could smear diarrhea onto a camera lens and make millions, I would. God knows I’ve tried. Someday I might even try making a movie.
This movie isn’t Fargo, but it sure as hell wishes it were. It’s like if The Asylum did their version of the Coen Brothers classic. Everything’s exactly the same, just a little bit different and a little bit worse. Instead of Minnesota it’s Wisconsin. Instead of William H. Macy it’s Greg Kinnear. Instead of a woodchipper it’s a sawzall. They might as well have said “And Billy Crudup as Steve Buscemi” in the trailer. For f*ck’s sake it’s even written by siblings, with one of them directing. In fact, I’m not convinced this isn’t an elaborate joke-movie-thing by the actual Coen Brothers. They wrote and recorded a fake commentary track for the Blood Simple DVD, so I wouldn’t put this past them. If they didn’t make this, why aren’t they suing the assholes who did?
Regardless of your feelings for David Cross (and let’s be honest, he’s pretty open about his willingness to appear in crap for a paycheck), nothing about this movie looks good. First of all, it’s been shelved long enough for Vince to have made fun of the trailer over three years ago. Second, it co-stars Oscar-nominee Sean Astin, and he’s supposed to be playing a character the audience doesn’t feel compelled to curb-stomp. (For real, he’s Oscar nominated. Look it up.) Lastly, and most importantly, it’s directed by J.B. Rogers, who since this film was shot, has gone on to be an assistant director on The Three Stooges. He was…demoted. It’s like Tyler Perry’s writing this guy’s life story.
If this looks familiar, it should: Vince gave it the “Plot Recreated with Passive Aggressive Reviews” treatment only about a month ago. Here’s his opening paragraph:
I know the big story is that The Avengers opens today, and thus you may have missed this, but did you know that there’s also a rom-com coming out about Kate Hudson getting ass cancer, and it’s called “Little Bit of Heaven”? And that “Little Bit of Heaven” is also the name of a gay dwarf prostitute played by Peter Dinklage? And that Kate Hudson meets God, in the form of Whoopi Goldberg, who urges her to find love? These are things that I now know.
I don’t have anything else to add, other than to encourage you to re-read the actual plot recreation. It includes such choice quotes as “She is losing weight and has rectal bleeding”. Something tells me this is going to become a cult favorite.
This Polish film was one of this year’s Oscar nominees for Best Foreign Language film. It’s about a dude rescuing Jewish refugees from a Nazi-occupied city in Poland. In other words, it sounds like a typical Best Foreign Language Oscar nominee. For real, if somebody went back in time and crib-deathed the baby Hitler, the biggest change to our present reality is that there wouldn’t be any Oscar-baiting movies about the hardships of WWII. Instead, Ashton Kutcher would be winning his fifth Best Directing Oscar for his latest musical about WWIV. (Gasp!) The moral of the story? Ashton Kutcher is worse than Hitler.
Hey everybody, it’s The Fast & The Furious, but with planes! Here’s what you need to know: 1.) It stars Andrew Keegan, who is maybe the definitive ‘I’ve seen that guy before…was he on Boy Meets World or seomthing?’ actor. 2.) Nick Carter’s fame has sunk to the level where even the trailer for this doesn’t think he’s worth mentioning or showing, and yet IMDb assures me he’s in the movie. 3.) That fat dude from Alias and Heroes provides some of the worst line deliveries of his career, and I remind you, he was on Heroes. Aw, who am I kidding, you were all sold when I called it The Fast & The Furious with planes.
This indie flick’s about a young teen and his struggle to be accepted by his older brother’s clique. Nothing about this works. The younger brother is smart and easy-going with the ladies, while the older brother looks like the kind of person who can’t blink without scrunching up his face. If this were real life, the younger brother wouldn’t give a f*ck about his older brother’s idiot friends. I know I never gave a f*ck about my older brothers and their idiot friends; they tried to from a SPEBSQSA-recognized barbershop quartet. (I’m not even close to kidding, folks. They bought straw boaters and everything. They were utterly sincere, too.) Plus the clique, the titular ‘Kings’, threaten to rape a passed out girl if the younger brother refuses to rape her himself. How would that work? “Trust me, I had to rape you, otherwise my brother and his friends would have. I assure you, I raped you tenderly and respectfully. My boner was one of necessity and not one of pleasure.” Bullsh*t.
This film has exactly one thing going for it: Danny Trejo plays a gang leader. It’s four years old and it looks like a video they’d show in D.A.R.E. class. To be honest, it looks so bad that I don’t even believe Trejo’s performance in the trailer. He’s less menacing here than he was in The Muppets.
You ever watch Jerry Springer or Maury and notice how many of the guests will try to sound intelligent by using big words incorrectly and by using unnatural and convoluted syntax, and as a result they just underscore their own idiocy? Well, here’s the synopsis written by this film’s writer/director/star:
Nick, a high school senior looking to establish a name for himself in the suburban wasteland of South Jersey. At the midnight hour before a violent confrontation we are introduced to a subculture of young adults who are all living in the moment. None of these young men are thinking of the future, or even next week, and no one sees the consequences of their actions unfolding.
None of that is entertaining, intriguing, or intelligible. In other words, it fits the trailer pretty well.
A group of friends on a camping trip out in the middle of nowhere encounter…serial killers? Cannibals? Werewolves? Aliens? Nope, not this time. This time the odd encounter is with a butchy environmentalist/survivalist lady named Birch. Maggie, one of the campers, is drawn to Birch and can’t deny her attraction to her. And then they all go crazy and kill each other. Or something along those lines. That’s what the synopsis says, but the trailer doesn’t really show things that way. It’s pretty hard to f*ck up a movie about ladies lezzing out in the woods, but these filmmakers have found a way. I bet they don’t even wade into a creek and start washing each others’ breasts. Have the people behind this flick ever even seen a movie before?
A band goes to the woods to write some new songs. Their lady friends follow. Evil psycho killer. Death. Dismemberment. Blah blah blah. The twist? This one claims to be a musical. As near as I can tell from the trailer, the only thing that makes it a musical is just the band’s songs which are, as you might guess, atrocious. The only reason this is getting a mention is that it’s co-written and directed by Vincent D’Onofrio. If you don’t know, he’s got a long and pretty successful career as a character actor. I have no idea what the hell he’s doing making this anal fissure of a horror flick, but I’d like to think ol’ Private Pyle prefaced each directorial comment with, “Here’s something I heard Kubrick say while filming Full Metal Jacket…”
BREAKING NEWS: I take it all back. This clip makes this movie look awesome:
This Canadian flick features eight classic monsters competing in a Wrestlemania-style event. In this case ‘classic’ means generic and not copyright-infringing. Really, that seems to be the sum total of this film. If you’re delighted by the sight of Kids In The Hall’s Dave Foley or a couple of former WWF/WWE personalities, then this is the flick for you. If it even counts as a movie; I’m not sure. Looking at a few reviews, it seems as if this movie really is comprised entirely of wrestling matches between these monsters, with no other storyline or characters framing the matches. These same reviews tend to condemn the movie as boring because, with no plot, the entire endeavor hinges on the wrestling, which doesn’t deliver, because it is obviously fake. Just let that sink in. This is a common complaint for this movie, by the way.
The Asylum’s at it again; any guesses as to which blockbuster they’re targeting this time? What’s funny to me is that with Prometheus’ plot being kept top-secret for so long, it seems as if the hard working folks at The Asylum had to produce this knock-off while flying blind. Looks like they guessed wrong. Incidentally, did you know The Asylum accepts pitch-submissions? They do, but only in the following categories: African-American Comedy, Latino Comedy, African-American Action, Latino Action, Latino Family Drama, and Martial Arts Film. They’re total hypocrites, too: they stipulate that there should be no mixing of genres (no sci-fi or horror) and previous screenwriting experience is a must. That’s just funny. I sincerely encourage everyone to submit their own ideas here. There’s some real ‘are-they-joking-or-not-?’ pitches left in the comments there as well, check it out.
College kids are getting murdered in a small town and a journalism major is determined to crack the case. She uncovers long-buried secrets and devil worshipers. The trailer’s boring as hell, despite the horrible acting and the efforts to make things seem dynamic through excessive editing. As you really should’ve assumed by now, this flick is based on a true story. The ‘Based On A True Story’ that pops up in each and every one of these goddamn trailers is the equivalent to the record scratch in the sh*tty comedy trailers. It immediately outs the film as being lazy and stupid. I wonder if there’s a trailer out there that includes both? What type of movie would it be? Would it be a horror/comedy or a documentary about people getting kicked in the nuts? Would it be something else entirely? A silent-film musical? I must have the answer. Well, I know how I’m spending the rest of my week. Wish me luck.
For once, there’s actually some
decent new options in the world of Netflix instant streaming. First off, two of this week’s featured DVDs are also streaming: Don’t Go In The Woods (pictured above) and Kill Speed. Additionally, there are a few previously featured DVDs also added to the instant viewing service: The Man On The Train, The Last Rites Of Joe May, and two films legitimately worth your time, The Rum Diary and Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie. Since Tim & Eric isn’t for everyone, here are the usual recommendations:
Sherlock Holmes director Guy Ritchie had a sh*tty period in his directing career between 2000’s Snatch and 2008’s RocknRolla. Not coincidentally, he was married to Madonna from 2000-2008. This is one of the two movies he made during that time, so it’s…not good. But it has The Stath, so there’s that. Also, Snatch and Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels are also streaming, so quit your bitching.
Just as his Sherlock Holmes director had a fallow period due to poor life choices, so did Robert Downey Jr. Believe it or not, but it wasn’t all that long ago when he was considered a washed-up has-been C-list actor instead of the suave and charming leading man we know today. This Halle Berry horror flick from 2003 was part of RDJ’s climb back to the top, which isn’t to say it’s any good, just that it’s not as bad as U.S. Marshalls or The Singing Detective.
Ghost Rider sucked, Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance might suck too, but that doesn’t mean Nicolas Cage doesn’t have an awesome comic book flick in his filmography. His performance channeling Adam West’s version of Batman is the best part of this otherwise still quite awesome movie. It’s even better than Chloë Grace Moretz’s performance as a homicidal tween in a short, plaid skirt. At least that’s what my social worker says I have to say.
If you thought Dave Foley -who once had the lead voice role in a Pixar flick- had sunk to the bottom with his appearance in Monster Brawl, you are wrong. For him, bottom was surely this 2007 Uwe Boll movie. It’s not just that he’s in an Uwe Boll flick, it’s that he goes full-frontal in a Uwe Boll flick. He’s had the worst post-Newsradio career of anyone from that classic sitcom, and I’m including Andy Dick and Phil Hartman in that claim.