As every moment brings us closer to death, every Tuesday brings us more new old movies to watch at home. This week we’ve got two unnecessary sequels with unnecessary subtitles. There’s also a not-in-drag Tyler Perry, David Cross, Peter Dinklage as a dwarf hooker, some generic monsters, a horror musical, the latest from The Asylum, and once again, Danny Trejo.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance
A Little Bit Of Heaven
You’ll Know My Name
Don’t Go In The Woods
Instead of fixating on the fleeting nature of life, mosey on over to the next page to learn more about each of these important films. If your time among the living is short, click here for some movies you can stream from Netflix right now.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
If you’ve already seen this and were disappointed, shame on you. It’s a Victorian-era, buddy-cop action comedy sequel that ties itself to a well-known literary figure while bearing no resemblance to the original literature. So, if you went to the theater expecting something grand, shame on you. It’s Robert Downey Jr. and friends getting paid millions to f*ck around on camera, so adjust your expectations accordingly. If you watched the flick illegally, shame on you. You didn’t pay a single penny, and yet you feel it’s your right to bitch? The first one made enough money that anyone with half a clue knew there’d be a sequel; I’m just happy that they managed to get the original cast and director and then managed to make a movie that seems to be of the same level of quality as the original. It could’ve been worse: they could’ve called it Sherlock Holmes: The Game Is A Foot and it stars Val Kilmer and it’s about Holmes’ struggle with diabetes.
Most people remember the original Ghost Rider as being a massive bomb, and therefore were a little surprised that it received a sequel, but it actually wasn’t. Way back in February 2007, it was #1 at the box office for two weeks, and stayed in the top 10 for five weeks. Of course, a movie that sells tickets can still be really sh*tty, and Ghost Rider was certainly sh*tty, but it was also certain that it would get a sequel. So, how’d this new one fare? Well, it opened at #4 and sunk off the charts pretty quickly. And yet, I’m willing to bet it’s the better film. For one, the directors are Armond White’s favorite duo, Neveldine/Taylor (the creators of the Crank films), and they seem like they are better suited to handling Nicolas Cage as a devil-battling biker superhero than the original film’s director, Mark Steven Johnson, who wrote Grumpy Old Men and directed Simon Birch. So why’d this one flop? If I had to guess, I’d say it was the combination of audiences remembering the first film (and not fondly) and the PG-13 rating. Nicolas Cage should never be hampered by a PG-13 rating; it’s simply counter-intuitive. No matter what, everyone should see this; FilmDrunk friend Brandon Trost was the cinematographer. Help a brother out. If not, you could check out his next cinematography gig this Friday. It’s That’s My Boy, the Adam Sandler/Andy Samberg movie. So, yeah, help him out and see Ghost Rider 2.
This site has pointed it out before, but in this film Tyler Perry plays a guy named Deeds who does good things. His ‘good deeds’ make him a good Deeds. That’s the level of writing you get with this flick. You know what? Whatever. Good for him. If I could smear diarrhea onto a camera lens and make millions, I would. God knows I’ve tried. Someday I might even try making a movie.
This movie isn’t Fargo, but it sure as hell wishes it were. It’s like if The Asylum did their version of the Coen Brothers classic. Everything’s exactly the same, just a little bit different and a little bit worse. Instead of Minnesota it’s Wisconsin. Instead of William H. Macy it’s Greg Kinnear. Instead of a woodchipper it’s a sawzall. They might as well have said “And Billy Crudup as Steve Buscemi” in the trailer. For f*ck’s sake it’s even written by siblings, with one of them directing. In fact, I’m not convinced this isn’t an elaborate joke-movie-thing by the actual Coen Brothers. They wrote and recorded a fake commentary track for the Blood Simple DVD, so I wouldn’t put this past them. If they didn’t make this, why aren’t they suing the assholes who did?
Regardless of your feelings for David Cross (and let’s be honest, he’s pretty open about his willingness to appear in crap for a paycheck), nothing about this movie looks good. First of all, it’s been shelved long enough for Vince to have made fun of the trailer over three years ago. Second, it co-stars Oscar-nominee Sean Astin, and he’s supposed to be playing a character the audience doesn’t feel compelled to curb-stomp. (For real, he’s Oscar nominated. Look it up.) Lastly, and most importantly, it’s directed by J.B. Rogers, who since this film was shot, has gone on to be an assistant director on The Three Stooges. He was…demoted. It’s like Tyler Perry’s writing this guy’s life story.