FilmDrunk

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD & Streaming: Chris Kattan Unchained

It’s another week without much going on in DVD land, but at least we’ve got Django Unchained hitting DVD today, and obviously I’m excited about Chris Kattan’s latest opus. We’ve also got a film starring Alison Brie & Lizzy Caplan, and another one starring Tom Sizemore. We’ve got southern ghosts and Australian ejaculators.  We’ve got escaped mental patients and modern-day messiahs.  There’s even a movie about four people having sex together -at the same time.  Wild, right?

The DVDs:
Django Unchained
Save The Date
The Colombian Connection
Future Weather
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia
Not Suitable For Children
Escapee
Lamb Of God
4some
Jacob
This Is Our Time
Crazy Enough

Streaming: check out your choices here.

Want to more about Chris Kattan’s new film, Crazy Enough?  Continue reading to find out some behind the scenes secrets straight from the set.  Wondering which movie is about the ménage à quatre? If you really can’t guess, continue reading and you’ll find out.  On the other hand, if you’ve already seen Django Unchained and would really rather hear about movies you might actually want to watch, click the link above to jump straight to the Netflix suggestions.  You’ll never get to click on the  ‘Alison Brie-holding-a-dildo’ link I’ve got coming up, but that choice is yours to make.
Django Unchained

Tarantino’s latest flick was a success: the critics loved it, audiences enjoyed it, the Academy nominated it for Best Picture, Quentin took home the Oscar for his original screenplay, and even Christoph Waltz’s Best Supporting Actor win proved that America’s long love-affair with Austrians didn’t die with Hedy Lamarr.  Vince’s review gave it a ‘A+’ and he proudly declared it to be FilmDrunk’s official pick for The Best Film of 2012.  Now it’s on DVD and I get to share my two cents.  First of all, I’m definitely one of those people who is predisposed to dislike something just because everyone else won’t stop talking about how amazing it is. I get it; when everyone around you can’t stop singing someone or something’s praises, it’s bound to disappoint.  That being said, this is the best major studio production of last year, and I’m only making the ‘major studio’ distinction simply as an ass-covering maneuver.  When people say they don’t like Django Unchained (or any of the other Tarantino-directed films) I feel like they are really saying that they don’t like having fun.  Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but when you say that blow jobs and ice cream cones are overrated, well friend, I’ve got to think the problem’s really with you.  Sure the film’s not perfect (no film that includes Quentin Tarantino ‘acting’ and delivering dialogue could ever be) but it comes pretty close, and certainly closer than its competition.  If -somehow- you haven’t seen it yet, rent it, kick back, and enjoy the second Best Picture Oscar-nominated film to co-star Jonah Hill (in consecutive years, no less).  Will he do it again with Scorsese’s The Wolf Of Wall Street?  I’m guessing  that yes, yes he will, but Django’s still going to be the better movie because that film won’t have naked Jamie Foxx and dancing horses.  Probably. Seriously, how could anyone see that giant dong dancing horse and not love this film?


Save The Date

Lizzy Caplan plays Sarah and Alison Brie plays her sister Beth in this indie rom-com.  When Sarah rejects her boyfriend Kevin’s very public marriage proposal, she turns to Beth for support, but Beth is fixated on preparing for her own wedding to Andrew (Martin Starr).  Meanwhile, Sarah starts to have feelings for someone new.  As you may recall from Vince’s post last November (it was the one with the Alison Brie-holding-a-dildo banner pic), this movie sounds horrible –except for the participation of the usually excellent actors -Brie, Caplan, and Starr.  Five months ago, those comedic ringers were enough for some of us to give the film a cautious benefit of the doubt.  Well, that was then and this is now, and I strongly suspect that if this film were anything other than the boring rom-com it seems to be I would’ve heard something –anything- about it since then, and I haven’t.  I mean, the internet exploded with lust yesterday after the reveal of Alison Brie’s Esquire spread, so I’m guessing if this film was even half-way watchable, we’d all know by now.  So, if you’ve seen it and I’m somehow wrong –let me know.  Is the movie any good? ‘Does Alison Brie lovingly dill Lizzy Caplan?’ to repeat Vince’s question from last year, or is it just another lame rom-com?  I’d hate for the repeated use of these actresses’ names (Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan) and the strategic use of the words dildo, lust, spread, Sapphic, erotic, moist, exploded, and pudendal cleft to go to search engine optimization waste.


The Colombian Connection

This synopsis gets me hard:

The year is 1976 and it is a dangerous year in the Straits of Yucatan. The man is Jack Hooks, a former cop set up by his corrupt partner and sent to jail for a drug crime he didn’t commit. After being yanked out of prison with an early release deal offered by the DEA, he is sent on a do or die mission bring down the drug trade of his former partner, Frank Rossi (Tom Sizemore) and his contacts. Hooks has no choice but to plunge into the underworld of marijuana smuggling by making one big run through the narrow channel that flows between Cuba and Mexico, also known as “The Eye”, and into the heart of a violent Colombian drug ring. At the head of the ring is Carlos Huerta, the ruthless drug lord that is Rossi’s source of supply, and Jack’s final objective. That is, if he can escape the jungles of Colombia before his clandestine relationship with Elena, Huerta’s young courtesan is discovered and threatens the lives of himself, his crew and his freedom.

I love that synopsis so much. It reminds me of my childhood watching awesomely sh*tty movies taped off of premium cable.  I’d say they don’t make movies like that anymore, but obviously they made this one, so I guess what I’m really saying is that I’ll record this if it pops up on cable and there’s enough space on the VHS tape after Dragonslayer and Just One Of The Guys.


Future Weather

Ever wondered whatever became of the little girl who played B.B. in Kill Bill?  Me neither, but she’s got the lead in this coming-of-age tale about a 13-year-old environmentalist who is stuck living with her caustic grandmother after her deadbeat mother abandons her.  True story: when I was in 7th grade, a classmate of mine had to move in with her grandparents when her own mother killed herself.  She didn’t handle it well and ended up leaving the school for ‘specialized education’ after she kind of sort of tried to murder her grandparents when they took away her Nine Inch Nails CDs.  Well long story short, through the magic of social networking I can tell you that she is now a sexually adventurous bisexual bank teller.  So, I guess you could say her future weather forecast would’ve been slutty with a chance of threesome.  Obviously, none of that has anything to do with this movie, unless the film ends up being way more awesome than I think it will be.


The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia

Filmed entirely on location in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and Winnipeg, Manitoba.


Not Suitable For Children

This Australian film tells the tale of Jonah, a young and care-free party animal who finds out that he has ball cancer.  It’s treatable, but the procedure will leave him impotent.  This, of course, makes Jonah realize that he wants to be a father, and, as plot-contrivance would have it, attempts to freeze his sperm have failed, so he has only one choice: find a suitable parenting partner immediately.  He looks high and low for a lady willing to be impregnated, but to no avail.  Luckily,  as is so often the case in stories like this, his best friend/ roommate just happens to be the perfect girl –if only he can come to realize it.  Obviously, they end up not just trying to procreate, but actually fall in love as well and end up being kick-ass parents, because that’s how most healthy families are formed: by a false sense of urgency created as a consequence of a narcissist’s fear of mortality. Tale as old as time.


Escapee

The synopsis:

While on an observational trip to a high security prison for the criminally insane, young psychology student Abby Jones has a chilling encounter with psychotic serial killer Harmon Porter. Abby returns home that night to study with her two roommates, unaware of the dark forces she’s unleashed in Harmon. That evening, while a hurricane rages through town, Harmon slashes his way out of jail, leaving a brutal trail of bloody bodies in his quest to possess the body and soul of Abby Jones.

There’s a scene in the trailer where the psychology students touring the prison are told to line up and face the wall because the serial killer has to walk down the hallway that they are currently occupying.  They can’t turn the corner and leave, and he can’t wait.  He’s got to walk by them right that very moment, so face the wall and shut up.   It’s called a ‘Code Orange’. Also, Abby’s father used to be a prisoner at that same prison, so that’s convenient.  You’ve probably guessed this already – it’s based on a true story.  Assuming that claim is true –even if only by the most creative definitions of the word ‘true’- I’d criticize the filmmakers for exploiting the tragedy of these real-life events just so they can produce some cheap entertainment, but I really can’t.  There’s no way anyone would consider this movie entertainment.


Lamb Of God

What if, instead of a poor Jewish carpenter born in ancient Bethlehem, the Messiah -the Son of Man, the Lamb of God- came to earth as a man in our time; what if he were a 21st Century college student?  As the box cover asks, can the Lamb Of God take away the sins of a college campus?  Most week’s this would be the point where I start dissecting the Dove Foundation review of this Christian film, but Jesus (or rather Immanuel) is portrayed as a black man and Dove has declined to review this film.  Coincidence?


4some

If you saw that title and hoped this was a wife-swapping comedy, you’re in luck.  If you hoped it was a Czech wife-swapping comedy featuring middle-aged characters, you’re very much in luck and also very peculiarly specific in your sex-comedy tastes.  I mean, this has got to be like winning the lottery for you, right?


Jacob

When his beloved little sister is killed by her drunken step-father, Jacob, a mentally disturbed giant, gets revenge the only way he knows how –and anyone who gets in his way will pay the consequences.  I watched an interview with the writer/director (I know, I know) and he said the impetus for this film was his desire to make a horror film adaptation of Of Mice & Men.  I’m guessing while doing research he got as far as reading ‘man of tremendous size but with a child-like intellect’ on the back of the book and then said, “F*ck it.  I’m pretty sure I know where this is going.” I’m putting it at 78% likely that there aren’t even any actual mice in this movie.


This Is Our Time

First things first: if you pre-selected this film as the ‘Eric Roberts DVD of the Week’, congratulations, you’ve guessed correctly!  On to the film: It’s a scary yet exciting time when you graduate from college. Luckily for these five friends, they’re united in their faith and their desire to serve God. The problem is, sometimes God wants us to serve Him in ways we don’t expect -like by getting rejected from grad school and working in a coffee shop, or by getting killed while helping lepers in India.  God’s funny that way, and we must remember that it isn’t our time –it’s all His.  So don’t blame God when your life seems terrible –just be happy because it’s the life God wants you to live, and any unhappiness is an insult to your creator and savior.  Obviously, this is our Dove-approved movie this week, and the film earns a perfect score of 5 out of 5 Doves.  Not too shabby for a film with such intense subject matter as people daring to –temporarily- question God’s love for them.  Luckily, they off-set such volatile subject matter with a relatively wholesome presentation.  The content warnings: “SEX: Kissing by a couple who become husband and wife. OTHER: A sudden death and grief; a questioning of why God allows certain events in our lives; A woman cries over hearing a man who is sick will lose his legs.” I’m really fascinated by the fact that kissing gets listed under ‘SEX’, and I’m doubly intrigued by the ‘who become husband and wife’ modifier.  What if they were already married before they kissed; would it still need a content warning?  What if they kissed and then broke up, could that be permitted?  I also like the implications that it is unhealthy for children to see that people question why God allows sh*t to happen.  Just like the copious sex chronicled throughout the book, do these people just skip those parts of the Bible?  At least two thirds of the old testament is people screwing and fighting and asking God why he’s making life so miserable.  Hell, the entire book of Job is God allowing the Devil to sh*t on the poor guy because of a bet, and then when Job never forsakes Him, God’s like, “GOOD JOB, BUDDY.  BET’S OVER, WE WON!,”  and then Job’s like, “Dude! You killed my family, you destroyed my home…you ruined my life.  For a bet?  Are you kidding me?“ and then God’s like, “F*UCK OFF, PRICK.  I’M GOD, YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH.  THERE’S STILL TIME TO MAKE YOUR DICK FALL OFF, YOU KNOW!”  For real, do these Dove folks even read the Bible? It’s like Game of Thrones, but with more sex, more violence, and more magical men whose miraculous works strain the credibility of the storyline. Think about it: the main character commands his followers to drink his blood and later gets nailed –alive- to a f*cking cross, for Christ’s sake.  Or for ours, rather.  Amen.


Crazy Enough

Hey, what’s worse than getting Chris Kattan to play the lead role in your movie?  Getting Chris Kattan to play both lead roles in your movie!  Seriously though, I want to get a poster of that box cover and mount it on the ceiling above my bed.  Kattan plays twins (I’m listening) who were separated at birth (Sure, I’m with you.) and now one twin is a successful psychiatrist and the other is –get this- a mental patient (I’m fully aroused.  Please continue.) When the psychiatrist accepts a new job at the hospital where his brother -who he has never met and doesn’t even know exists- is a patient (yes, uh-huh…) fate intervenes and they switch places. (And I’ve climaxed.  Please accept my thanks.) The bad news is that I couldn’t find an embeddable trailer for the film, but the good news is you can still watch one via the film’s IMDb listing.  The even better news is that I did find an embeddable video interview with Chris Kattan’s body double, who was discovered while working on the Oklahoma City Community College campus where the movie was filmed.  Serious question: Is there a sadder job title in all of film than ‘Chris Kattan body double’?

There’s only one of our previously mentioned DVDs joining Netflix this week, Storage 24.  I hated it, but you might feel differently -especially if you have terrible taste in movies.  For our special selections this week, we’re focusing on the back catalog of Crazy Enough‘s  leading men, Chris Kattan.

A Night At The Roxbury

There’s been no shortage of terrible films spawned from SNL sketches, and while I wouldn’t definitively say this is the worst one of those films (hi, It’s Pat and Stuart Saves His Family) it is definitely one of the worst SNL sketch films.  With that in mind, it’s not really that surprising that this is also one of Will Ferrell’s worst films while still being among Chris Kattan’s best efforts. I bet they both cry when it pops up on cable, but for totally different reasons.

Scouts Honor: Badge To The Bone

This direct-to-DVD Kattan deep cut (pictured above) has actually earned its own FilmDrunk post in the past, and therefore I don’t have much to contribute beyond pointing out that it is streaming.  It’s a special kind of terrible when even Chris Kattan’s participation in a film is baffling. Almost as baffling as why the title of this film lacks an apostrophe.  Are possessive’s really that difficult to understand, people?

Tanner Hall

Here we have the rare Chris Kattan drama.  Well, actually, it’s more of a drama in which Chris Kattan has a supporting role, and probably a pretty small one, but still.  At any rate, he’s in it and so it counts as a Chris Kattan movie.  This one’s an R-rated loss-of-innocence/coming-of-age drama about four teen girls at an all-girls boarding school.  Brie Larson and Oscar-nominee Rooney Mara play two of those girls, by the way, and yes, the R-rating is for sexual content and nudity. And you thought you wouldn’t be interested in any of my Chris Kattan suggestions.

Reservoir Dogs

First off, no, Chris Kattan isn’t in this movie, but as near as I can tell, I’ve already suggested every currently-streaming Chris Kattan movie, so we’re going to have to bend the rules a bit.  Sorry, fans of The House On Haunted Hill, maybe next time.  Of course, this is the debut feature from Django Unchained director, Quentin Tarantino, and just like that film, this one is, if nothing else, a fun movie to watch.  You’ve probably seen it already, but wouldn’t you rather watch this again than see Monkeybone* or Corky Romano (neither of which are streaming anyway)?

 

 

 

 

*I actually kind of like Monkeybone.

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