While it wasn’t necessarily one of the (*holds megaphone in front of another megaphone*) biggest NBA moments of 2016, my favorite running “gag” of the year has been Boogie vs the World. I guess it’s not fair to call it a gag, because every time DeMarcus Cousins turns around, he’s whistled for a technical or someone writes 1,000 sh*tty words about him. That’s probably not very funny to him. That’s not to say he doesn’t hurt himself by hitting the clubs on the team’s road trips, but that’s up to the judge, and not a sports columnist, to decide.
Cousins’ frustration was on full display against the Portland Trail Blazers this week, when he was ejected and then un-ejected for totally not spitting his mouthpiece at his opponents. Cousins announced and reiterated several times that the treatment he receives from refs is “RIDICULOUS!” and he’s sort of right. He definitely draws a lot of attention and gets some calls that’ll make you pee laughing, but the rest of the time he’s just selling his snake oil like the rest of the league’s bad actors.
But it’s that salesmanship that I’m honoring today, because his outrage, both fake and real, gives us one of my favorite things about the NBA this year: The DeMarcus Cousins “You Gotta Be F*cking Kidding Me!’ Face. Here, now, are my favorite Boogie faces of 2016.
15) November 6: The Raptors
The Face: “Is this guy f*cking kidding me?”
The Reason: Cousins dominated in this game, with 22 points and 14 rebounds, but he also had four fouls, so he might have been angry about the calls. Mainly he was just fired up – and dunking all over dudes – so he was probably mostly unimpressed by how good the Raptors have been.
14) March 9: The Cavs
The Face: “This ref f*ckin’ kidding me?”
The Reason: That was a tough loss for the Kings and especially Cousins, who had 29 points and 11 rebounds. He also had five fouls, which is why he’s giving the ref the old stink eye.
13) October 29: The Timberwolves
The Face: “Who, me? You’re f*ckin’ kidding ME?”
The Reason: The Kings won this game thanks to Cousins’ 29 points, but the star also picked up two fouls in the final minute to get the boot. This moment and reaction is so great because Gorgui Dieng’s teammates are contemplating what to do with his corpse while Cousins wants to know why everyone’s mad at him.
12) December 12: The Lakers
The Face: “Are you f*cking kidding meeeeeeee?”
The Reason: Boogie and the Kings KILLED the Lakers that night behind his amazing 31-point, 17-rebound performance. He only had three fouls, too, which explains why he was so mad that the refs were picking on him while he was putting on a clinic.
11) February 24: The Spurs
The Face: *stern, quiet* “Are YOU f*cking kidding ME?”
The Reason: Boogie is always fired up to face the Spurs, as evidenced by his first basket of this game. He has a ton of respect for the “most perfect team,” though. He probably didn’t take too kindly to LaMarcus Aldridge and the big, bad Spurs trying to push his team around. Fortunately, Tim Duncan intervened and offered to take everyone out for plain yogurt.
10) February 10: The Sixers
The Face: “Are you f*cking KIDDING me?”
The Reason: The Kings barely held off the terrible Sixers that night, and part of the problem was Cousins’ five fouls. Poor guy just wants everyone to stop picking on him so he can dunk all over people and scream until their souls evaporate.
9) November 1: The Heat
The Face: “Are you f*cking kidding moi?”
The Reason: “Jump? No jump? Seems like a jump? No? I’m devastated, I tell you. Simply too saddened to move on.” It’s fun to think of Cousins as an old-timey helpless dame in a bad Western, but this is the face of a guy who drops 30 on the Heat, in addition to Rudy Gay’s 30, and his team still loses. Cousins’ six fouls might have contributed to his sad face. Maybe he was still bummed from the night before.
8) October 31: The Hawks
The Face: “Is THIS guy f*cking KIDDING me?”
The Reason: Remember back in the beginning of the season when we all (every single one of us and not just me) bought into the Atlanta Hawks as an actual good NBA team poised to give the Cavs and Raptors a run in the East? LOL neither do I. Anyway, Boogie had his hands full against the Hawks, as he was held to just 14 points but had a hefty five fouls. Poor Boogie.
7) February 14: The All-Star Game
The Face: “It’s the All-Star Game, is this guy f*cking kidding me?”
The Reason: Who plays defense in the All-Star Game? Nobody. Especially in the 2016 NBA All-Star Game. Cousins probably couldn’t believe anyone was even touching him. Stop getting your sweat on Boogie, Pau.
6) August 10: Team Australia
The Face: “Oi mate, you f*ckin’ knockin’ me?”
The Reason: Boogie couldn’t believe he only had six points against Australia. He also couldn’t believe he had four fouls in 10 minutes. Stupid international basketball rules. Let the big man squash everyone, gosh.
5) December 2: The Celtics
The Face: “Are you f*cking kidding me?!?! ME?!?!”
The Reason: The Kings lost a tough one to the Celtics on this night, and Boogie looked great with 28 points, but he was still called for four fouls. Somewhere in the distance, the sportswriter who still thinks about the movie Sliding Doors thought to himself, “What if he’d been wearing a Celtics uniform? I bet he wouldn’t get called for that foul. I might turn this into a well-received column…”
4) November 28: The Wizards
The Face: *deep, internal self-reflection* “Is it possible… that THEY are f*cking kidding me?”
The Reason: You can see the wheels turning, as if he’s thinking to himself, “What is this? It’s… ridiculous. Yes! It’s ridiculous!” Boogie dropped 36 and 20 on the Wiz, but the Kings eventually lost in OT. Maybe he was thinking about the movie Sliding Doors and wondering what he’d look like in a Celtics uniform.
3) February 19: The Nuggets
The Face: “Who are you f*cking kidding? Wait, you’re f*cking kidding me? ME?!?!”
The Reason: Cousins was a bad, baaaaaad man that night, dropping 37 and 20 on the poor, helpless Nuggets. When you’re on a tear like that, you probably don’t even know that the refs are blowing whistles at you, so you can understand why Cousins was so confused.
2) January 21: The Hawks
The Face: “ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING MEEEEEEEE?!?!”
The Reason: This was a stinker of a game, but Cousins still ruled the court with 24 points and four fouls. Cousins must have had Oscar fever this night, because you don’t see raw emotion like this unless it’s coming from the greatest thespians of our generation.
1) March 7: The Pelicans
The Face: “It’s ME who is f*cking kidding YOU.”
The Reason: This might be my favorite sports image of 2016. I call it the Reverse Boogie, because look at the disbelief on the faces of Norris Cole and Ryan Anderson. Hell, forget Ryno. Just look at Cole’s face. It’s incredible. I want to frame this image and hang it over my fireplace, but then I’d have to actually get a fireplace.