10 hilarious tweets from Ken Jennings

So it turns out that Ken Jennings is so much more than just the guy who won Jeopardy 74 nights in a row — which is already a pretty bigtime thing to be. He’s also the author of a book called “Brainiac” (followed by a colon and a BUNCH of other words), and, most importantly, he’s a fella who’s very funny on Twitter.

Ken tweets as @KenJennings for our enjoyment — and don’t worry, dumb dummies, everything he says is way accessible. Here are 10 of his best jokes:

10. I printed out Wikipedia yesterday so if you guys have papers due, tweet me and I’ll try to help.

9. A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

8. Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

7. Why is it so hard just to get your kids to say “bitch please” and “bitch thank you”

6. If you’re a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?

5. Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”

4. Protip: if you’re ever stranded somewhere and don’t have AAA, text stuff like “yeah 9/11” and “Allah akbar” TO ANY NUMBER for a free pickup!

3. If honey bottles come in the shape of a bear, ranch dressing bottles should come in the shape of a fat Midwestern dad named Alan.

2. The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say “to the” between each letter in their word.

1. I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening.