10 questions Oprah should ask Lindsay Lohan in her deep, probing interview

Ah, Lindsay Lohan, ever the object of fascination — both because we civilians are horrible monsters who can’t help but get all schadenfreude-y when a rich and famous person falls from grace, and because Lindsay is actually a legitimate talent who just can’t pull herself together enough to properly show that off. Recently out of rehab and currently on silver screens in Bret Easton Ellis’ “The Canyons,” Lindsay has found herself firmly back in the love it/hate it spotlight.

To wit: Oprah is set to air a 90-minute interview with Lindsay on August 18th, and the contents of their tete-a-tete have been whittled down to a 16-second teaser meant to whet our appetites. These are the two questions we hear in the clip: “Are you an addict?” and, “What does it feel like to be both an adjective and a verb for ‘child star gone wrong’?”

First off? Let’s address those questions, shall we?

1. “Are you an addict?”: Yes. Fucking yes. The answer is yes. Lindsay has been to rehab half a dozen times over the course of 7 years, often as mandated by the court due to addiction-related criminal offenses. Additionally, Lindsay has officially admitted to being an addict many times. The tease here may be the specific way Lindsay chooses to say the word “yes” (tersely, sotto voce, as Liz Taylor?)  but the verdict is not, in the least, in question.

2. “What does it feel like to be both an adjective and a verb for ‘child star gone wrong’?”: Okay, listen, you guys: I’m not the absolute dumbest person on earth. I mean, I locked my keys in my car last month, and until very recently, I thought a pony was a horse puppy, but also, I did pretty well on an I.Q. test when I was a toddler and earned a degree from a decent enough university, even though I don’t actually have a diploma to show for it because I still owe $15 in library fees. But, while I can glean the general meaning of Oprah’s sentiment, I absolutely cannot make heads or tales of what the words that make up this question are actually asking. (A description and an action word for “a child star gone wrong”??) And I’m not sure how Lindsay can reasonably be expected to answer it.

Also, just in general? Do we really need 90-minutes of faux-probing questions about Lindsay’s struggles followed by answers that have been vetted closely by an entire team of Olympic-level publicists? I say that we probably do not. Why waste this opportunity for a genuinely interesting interview? Here are 10 questions I’d actually like to hear Oprah ask Miss Lohan:

1. How goddamn sick are you of talking about your addiction?

2. Do you do anything special to keep your voice that incredibly raw and gravelly, or were just born lucky?

3. What does James Deen’s penis really look like up close?

4. And what about Samantha Ronson’s… um, natural hair color?

5. Can you sing that song from “A Prairie Home Companion”? Because that was legitimately great.

6. And now how about a little Linda Lovelace? Because I think you really would have killed that role.

7. What did you do with your Razzie from “I Know Who Killed Me”?

8. Have you considered a “Freaky Friday” sequel, but the concept is that you play Lana Del Rey in her biopic and she plays you in yours?

9. Okay. Girl, be honest… What do you think of Gayle?

10. Did you steal my necklace? I had a necklace on at the beginning of the interview, and now it’s gone. And now it’s around your own neck. How’d you pull that off?