Ariana Grande Wants Us To ‘Break Free’ To A Cheesy Retro-Future


Ariana Grande's new music video for “Break Free” is a dizzying trip back in time. A simpler time known as the 1970s, when futurism still looked like a chrome-plated utopia instead of a barren wasteland of man's arrogance. Or a simpler time known as the late 1990s, when music videos were glitzy odes to advancements in green screen technology.

But unlike Britney Spears video for “Oops, I Did It Again” – which “Break Free” definitely has shades of – Grande has a grander vision (zing!). Her future is not for man to go to Mars…like some are claiming…but beyond. And this retro-future looks like a sweet deal compared to reality. For example:

1. We will have colonized – or at least explored – solar systems beyond our own.

This is clearly not Mars. More like Mars had a baby with Flash Gordon. But the styrofoam rocks are straight out of an episode of “Star Trek: ToS.” Classic.

2. Our alien adversaries will be dumb and easily outsmarted.

Either these dudes have really poor hearing or futuristic space stilettos come with built-in silencers. That's the only explanation for how Grande was able to sneak up on them. Also, considering how easy it is to trick/murder the aliens, how did these bumbling fools even capture Grande's crew? Perhaps they were merely henchmen. 

3. Getting undressed in Zero G looks like fun.

What? It does! Don't judge me.

4. We will have perfected the art of secret boob guns. 

Grande's complete ambivalence here is what really sells it. In contrast to Katy Perry's puppy-like excitement over whipped cream breast canons or Sofia Vergara's machine gun bra rage, future femme fatales will find housing weapons of mass destruction in their push-up to just be good fashion sense. 

5. Finger guns make a comeback.

Why did we ever let them go out of style to begin with?

6. Lightsaber lipstick.


7. Short-range teleporation will be perfected.

No more pesky shuttles to take an Away Team to the surface. While it looks like long-range transportation is still the stuff of science-fiction, at least our grandchildren's grandchildren won't have to commute to work. 

8. Love is love, no matter the species!

After the Civil Rights Movement of Grande's parents time, humanoids of all planetary origins will be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their organ containment fields. But has the Kinsey scale updated to include these new orientations or will some new rating take its place?

9. Beats by Dre will branch out into organic speaker pets.

Like Tamagotchi but better! These little guys help organize a galaxy's worth of music and negate the loneliness of extended space travel. Yours for only four easy payments of 1500 creds!

10. The Illuminati will morph into an interstellar secret society, complete with rad new symbol.

Obviously the real meaning behind this frothy homage to campy science-fiction is a warning. Ariana Grande brokers no deals with the minions of darkness. In the first frame we see her in, Grande has just wiped out a secret society stronghold, crushing the symbol of oppression beneath her sky-high heels.

She then assassinates their remaining guards and frees her crew. Directing them to safety, a fearless Grande then takes out a Robo-Illuminati patrol but is captured! Gasp! Not to fret, though. Our intrepid heroine hoped to be taken hostage. How else would she get close enough to take down the local leader of such a clandestine group? Her mission accomplished, Grande returns to her ship to celebrate.

But what's this? It was all an internal power struggle! Grande performed a  coup d'état. With her competition out of the way, no one can stop her from taking over the galaxy!

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