Fact: New Year’s resolutions are for suckers. You make them, you break them, by mid-February you’re crying in a gutter somewhere and calling out the name of your pet rabbit from childhood. Well, screw all that. You want that leftover slice of holiday pie that is 970 calories? Eat it. Feel like skipping out on the gym after work even though it will make you feel better and is good for your overall health and well-being? Do it. Not particularly keen on finishing that novel you’ve already been working on for seven years and that may actually be really great if you would just practice some self-discipline for once in your life? Leave it until tomorrow. Hit that snooze button. Yell at that old woman in traffic even though she’s 97 and probably doesn’t even know that she’s driving. But before you do or don’t do all of those things, read these funny New Year’s resolution tweets from the likes of Jim Gaffigan, Chelsea Perretti, Pete Holmes and Rob Delaney. And then don’t floss, because flossing is for wimps.
My new year’s resolution is that donuts are good for me.
– Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 2, 2014
My “don’t make love to Victoria’s Secret models” resolution is going great so far
– Eli Braden (@EliBraden) January 2, 2014
First resolution of 2014 is to NEVER REGRET getting the NPR logo tattooed on my forehead last night
– Bill Oakley (@thatbilloakley) January 1, 2014
My New Years resolution is to meet people less and tweet people more! #healthy
– josh groban (@joshgroban) January 1, 2014
My New Year’s resolution is to find out what’s making Shia LaBeouf so angry
– Tom Ward (@TomWardWrites) December 31, 2013
My new years resolution is to be meaner and hotter.
– Jenna Marbles (@FunnyJokeBook) January 1, 2014
New Years Resolution: do a series of jazz-flute instructional tapes. Maybe I’ll call it “Ron Burgundy: A Jazz Flute-orial.”
– Ron Burgundy (@RonBurgundy) January 2, 2014
Just did heroin for the first time ever – first New Years resolution down the tubes. Took all of two dang days, cripes!
– Mr. Bob Odenkirk (@mrbobodenkirk) January 2, 2014
My New Years resolution is to love myself like Kanye loves himself and believe in myself like Kanye believes in himself.
– Drunk Girl Problems (@Sassy_Drunk) January 2, 2014
My new years resolution was to start smoking. One day in and i already stopped. #quitter
– David Spade (@DavidSpade) January 2, 2014
My New Years Resolution is to spend less time interacting with people & more time with my phone. Doing pretty well so far…
– RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) January 1, 2014
Remember if you made a New Years resolution you are a douche and you will fail.
– Fox (@yaboyfoxy) January 1, 2014
New Years Resolution. This year I’m going to incorporate ” I don’t roll that way” into at least one conversation a week.
– Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) January 1, 2014
New years resolution is to stop crying at google commercials.
– Jamie Kilstein (@jamiekilstein) January 1, 2014
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”
– Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) January 1, 2014
MY RESOLUTION IS TO KEEP BEING COOL AS FUCK
– Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) January 1, 2014
‘I will not giggle while shitting into my own hand’ – New Year’s resolutions I’ve broken already.
– Jim Norton (@JimNorton) January 1, 2014
My New Year”s resolution is to be less prefect.
– Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 31, 2013
In 2014 I resolve to wear sensible dungarees that allow my buttocks the space they need while I do #yardwork & raise my sons Kyle & Kayden.
– rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 31, 2013
Already broke my New Year’s resolution not to burn off my testicles, penis and anus
– Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) January 1, 2014