5 reasons why the new ‘Annie’ movie is probably going to be terrible

You know when you taste something really bad, and then you try to get other people to taste it just so you can have someone to commiserate with? That's how I feel right now about the trailer for the new “Annie” movie, because oh my god, it is so bad and you must watch it immediately:

Right? I know. I knooow. This movie is going to be bad, huh? Probably? Here are five reasons why I think so:

1. Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz is one of those actors who I like in some things and then in other things I'm like, “huh, I wonder what happened there.” Based on this trailer I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is more of a “huh, I wonder what happened there”-type Cameron Diaz performance.

2. Quvenzhane Wallis

Don't get me wrong, Quvenzhane Wallis is adorable, and from what I hear she was magical and brilliant in that movie “Beasts of the Southern Wild” that I'm never going to watch. But “Jay-Z's Annie” is a long way from “indie movie in the swampland,” and at least based on this first look I'm thinking something may have gotten lost in translation. I'm not sure what, exactly, but whatever it is, it's probably 100% Will Smith's fault.

3. I'm already really annoyed by these musical numbers

I love a good song-and-dance number as much as the next person, but holy fuck are these songs aggravating. Take this Gif, for instance:

This Gif pisses me off, and there's not even music playing over it. I don't know why. I don't have to know why. All I know is, goddammit, Rose Byrne deserves better.

4. Jamie Foxx does not want to be in this movie

Jamie Foxx is a wonderful actor, but there's something about his expression here that makes me think he was in perennial fight-or-flight response throughout the entire making of this film. Of course afterwards he would've gone home to his swimming pool filled with money and thought, “you know something, that actually wasn't so bad.”

5. It's an “Annie” movie

While I've never seen “Annie” the Broadway musical I have seen the 1982 movie, and honestly, is there anything more to be done with this material that won't be tacky and horrible? Cameron?

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