5 unsexy things we learned from the insane ‘Nymphomaniac Vol. 2’ trailer

It was only a matter of time before Lars von Trier made a movie called “Nymphomaniac,” and luckily for everyone who digs his brand of quirky, queasy strangeness the film has been split into two parts for xxxtra enjoyment. Now we've got the official trailer for “Vol. 2” (embedded below), in which Charlotte Gainsbourg screws her way through life with an assortment of creepy individuals including a male dominatrix played by the sweet-faced Jamie Bell, who has gone from charming dancing boy in “Billy Elliott” to charming whipping boy in a Lars von Trier sex movie in the span of 14 years.

So what have we learned from this latest round of titillation? Well, quite a lot, actually. Below are five of the most important lessons, none of which, it should be mentioned, are in themselves particularly sexy.

1. Charlotte Gainsbourg still has the most terrifying underbite in the movies

Ever since I watched “Antichrist” I've never quite been able to look at Charlotte Gainsbourg the same way again, and that says a lot for a woman who once made a song called “Lemon Incest” with her father. Every time I see that severe jaw I just know some shit is gonna go horribly wrong.

2. I could watch Charlotte Gainsbourg saying “I like my filthy, dirty lust” all day long

Seriously, I've watched it like 17 times already and it still hasn't gotten old.

3. This movie will probably make you feel terrible

Do you enjoy watching the cinematic equivalent of an existential dread-spiral? Well then grab some popcorn and cry into it, because life has no meaning.

4. Rammstein tends to make everything feel filthier

As if shots of Charlotte Gainsbourg's bruised face and all those icky BDSM hijinks weren't enough to make you feel weird inside, the trailer kicks it into high gear when Rammstein's abrasive 2009 ditty “Führe Mich” starts blasting. Why yes, it does sound exactly like every other Rammstein song.

5. Girl-on-girl kissing just isn't what it used to be

Remember Denise Richards and Neve Campbell “Wild Things” liplock? How about Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair in “Cruel Intentions”? Remember when were are all like “woah, that is so edgy,” in 1998? And by “we” I mean you, because I was only six years old in 1998? You old people have really come a long way.

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