Unlike other recent seasons, I'm familiar with at least half of this year's “Dancing with the Stars” cast, which boasts such C-and-D-list luminaries as Drew Carey, Danica McKellar, Candace Cameron Bure, Cody “I Totally Thought He Was Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's Younger Brother Until Two Months Ago” Simpson and “Real Housewives” star NeNe Leakes. Also in the lineup: none other than Billy Dee Williams, the actor best known for playing Cloud City administrator Lando Calrissian in the “Star Wars” movies. Why yes, his first routine was “Star Wars”-themed! (Check it out below.)
So how was the performance? Well, it was kind of a mixed bag, and by “mixed bag” I mean it was mind-blowingly horrible and also kind of sweet. Below are six things I learned during the performance and its aftermath.
1. Billy Dee Williams is 77 years old
Let's face it: Billy Dee Williams barely moved during this. Like, he kinda waves his arms around a little and his feet appear to be doing things, but mostly his dance partner Emma Slater does all the work. And who can blame Billy Dee Williams for this? Absolutely no one, because Billy Dee Williams is 77 years old and should be applauded for even getting out of bed.
2. Billy Dee Williams has two hip replacements
Look, I know older folks who have had hip replacements, and you know what they don't do? They don't go on competitive dancing shows. Not that any of the older folks I know would be asked to go on “Dancing with the Stars” in the first place, but even if they were, I'll bet you they'd be like, “Who, me? Go on 'Dancing with the Stars'? A-hahahahaha!” and then their teeth would fall out, because they would be laughing so hard.
3. Billy Dee Williams should probably not be on “Dancing with the Stars”
Don't get me wrong, I love Billy Dee Williams. America loves Billy Dee Williams. But what exactly is he going for here? A career comeback? It's great that he still wants to entertain us, but I'm not sure competing against the girl from “The Wonder Years” in a televised dance competition is the right vehicle.
4. The “Dancing with the Stars” judges do not know what is good for Billy Dee Williams
I'm all for senior citizens remaining active in their golden years, but seriously, are you hearing this? “You played it very dainty, very careful, very C-3PO,” says walking wind-up doll Bruno Toniolo during his takedown. So a 77-year-old man with two hip replacements should be not careful while dancing? And then this, from Carrie Ann Inaba: “We're gonna need a little more from you next week, okay?” My advice to Billy Dee? If you make it to next week, just stand there next time. Just stand there, and smile, and wave to your people.
5. This is what happens when Disney buys the rights to a beloved movie franchise
Yes fine, J.J. Abrams is a solid choice to direct the sequel trilogy, and if anything Disney's purchase of Lucasfilm for $4.05 billion is a good thing in that it wrested further control away from George Lucas, who stopped caring about the integrity of the “Star Wars” franchise arguably about three decades ago. Unfortunately, ABC is also owned by Disney, and ABC is the network on which “Dancing with the Stars” airs, and…well look, for god's sake. Just look.
6. “What would the real princess Leia say about this?” is a strange question to ask
I have nothing against Brooke Burke-Charvet replacement Erin Andrews whatsoever, but I'm pretty sure Billy Dee Williams has no idea at all what Princess Leia, a fictional movie character, would have to say about glorified Princess Leia cosplay on a reality series. Then again, Erin Andrews just signed a lucrative contract to be eye candy on a reality show and I didn't, so what the hell do I know.