7 Unsettling Thoughts I Had While Watching The New Interstellar Trailer


During Comic-Con, Paramount showed off a ton of new footage for Christopher Nolan's cautionary space tale “Interstellar.” That trailer is finally up for the rest of the world to see and it is appropriately epic with its sweeping vistas showcasing the grandeur of space. But under the beguiling distraction of just how darn pretty interstellar travel is, some pertinent problems lurk. Things like…

#1 – Filmmakers sure do love the heartland.

We open on the farm from “Signs.” Or is this the farm from “Transformers” or maybe even the farm from “Field Of Dreams?” Man, Hollywood has a weird corn field fetish now that I think about it. What is it about mazie that just attracts aliens and disembodied voices and sentient robots to meddle in the affairs of fathers who just want to raise their daughters, dagnabit?

#2 – Michael Caine is a lying liar, pants on fire.

Oh really Alfred Pennyworth? NOTHING in our solar system can help us? So it's easier to create an interstellar spaceship than extrapolate massive drones to siphon hydrogen and oxygen from Saturn and Uranus for water conversion? Easier to hurtle poor, emaciated Matthew McConaughey into an oort cloud with Catwoman than to colonize the polar caps of Mars for farming? Easier to rend a family asunder than filter the water beneath the crust of Europa (surely HAL would understand this is an emergency and show leniency)? You sir, are Gotham's true villain. 

#3 – I think maybe Cooper is just a terrible dad.

As a parent I feel qualified to call bullshit on the reasoning McConaughey uses to not tell his daughter the truth. HAHAHAHA…no. Do not lie to your children about where you are going and when you are coming back. Do not pass GO. Do not collect you #1 Dad mug. If you can't suck it up and tell her the hard truth – that you're gong to be the savior of the world and sacrifice is important – maybe just use a condom. Because it'll be a billion times more traumatizing for to her to wonder every single day for decades if TODAY is the day Daddy is coming home. Hell, crib Uncle Ben's speech verbatim, just tell her something.

#4 – Really, really terrible.

Maybe McConaughey's son wouldn't pick on his sister so hard about being named after Murphy's Law – dick move by the way – if the parental favoritism in her favor WASN'T SO BLATANTLY OBVIOUS.

#5 – Did they just cobble together like six other movies to make this?

We opened with “Signs” moved straight to “Field of Dreams” then picked up “The Abyss” while taking a detour through “Star Wars” with a pitstop at “Prometheus,” then had a fling with “Gravity” before settling down to raise a family with “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

#6 – Representation Roll Call!

Phew. Good thing we filled the quota by bringing along one POC and one woman. Last thing we need is for the aliens to think we're racist or sexist lest they vaporize for figuring out the intricacies of space travel before common decency. Also, McConaughey obviously needs someone to fall in love with and someone to cry over when they inevitably die a valiant Red Shirt™ death. 

BONUS! Oh man, the took out the proof we've been powering this space adventure with a necklace of TARDISes. Good thing I've got this. Never forget.


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