A breakdown of the 5 new ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast members

So, rumor has it there are 5 new featured players headed to “SNL,” although NBC has yet to confirm. But sill, the rumors persist! Who are these new heroes of comedy? Their names are Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney, Noel Wells, Mike O’Brien, and John Milhiser. I went to college with 40% of them, so I’m probably the most qualified person around to relate tales of hilarious waffle mishaps in the dining hall, except for this little hitch where I have none of those tales to share. Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of what you need to know about these 5 folks.

Beck Bennett:

You’re probably already in love with Beck Bennett and you don’t even realize it, and even if you aren’t, your mother most definitely is. He’s the gent from those adorable AT&T commercials shot in the elementary school. You know, “Hey, everybody, here’s my puppy brother.”

I know, total father of our (my) unborn children material. Beck’s also in a sketch group called Good Neighbor with Kyle Mooney. One thing I know is that they’re prolific, because I used to get A LOT of Facebook invitations to Good Neighbor shows, which I’m pretty sure were in all caps. I never went. I probably should have gone. They’re funny. This post is about me now.

Kyle Mooney:

Kyle Mooney’s name matches his face. Kyle Mooney. That face. It works. In addition to his work with Good Neighbor, Kyle does stand-up and has appeared on “Parks and Rec” and a show that no longer exists called “Sports Show with Norm Macdonald.”

Here’s a funny Good Neighbor sketch starring Kyle:

Noel Wells:

Noel Wells does a really killer Zooey Deschanel impression. Probably, it’s the best Zooey Deschanel impression around. She had a web series called “Hey! The Zooey Deschanel Show” for a while, and it’s definitely worth watching if you’re feeling over-saturated with quirkiness and need an antidote in the form of parodied quirkiness.

Noel is also a member of the super solid UCB house sketch team New Money, a group full of terrific talent including Echo Kellum, and has acted in a bunch of College Humor videos.

Mike O’Brien:

Oh man, you guys are gonna love Mike O’Brien. He’s already a member of Team “SNL,” having written for the show for 4 seasons and occasionally appearing in bit roles. He also hosts a web series called “7 Minutes in Heaven,” which takes place in a closet and always involves kissing.

Here’s a great episode, featuring John Oliver:

John Milhiser:

John Milhiser is the only one of these new cast members I hadn’t heard of until today, which means nothing outside of the context of everything being about me. But I have done some research! And it looks like John has been a huge UCB player both in New York and Los Angeles. He’s also a stand-up and a member of the sketch group Serious Lunch. Here’s his character reel — and oh my god, it turns out that he’s wonderful: