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Interview With A Local Man Returning After Thanos’ Snap

Disney

(WARNING: Don’t read this if you are one of the 22 people left on Earth who hasn’t seen Avengers: Endgame and don’t want to be spoiled. Obviously. Additionally, if you have not seen the Avengers movies, none of this is likely to make any sense to you.)

As we saw in Avengers: Endgame, through some trickery involving time travel, the snap that destroyed half of all living things was reversed – which resulted in half the universe’s population reappearing five years later. One of those people is local area man Travis Hockensmith. Hockensmith was kind enough to sit down with us for an exclusive interview about his experience.

(Also, you’re welcome, nobody.)

Welcome back.

Thank you.

So what do you remember about “the snap.”

All I remember was lying in bed with my wife, Tara, watching a rerun of Friends. It was the one where Joey Tribbiani lies about his dance experience before an audition, then winds up having to teach the class. I was laughing so hard, I thought that’s why I was feeling sick in my stomach. Then I just started flaking away, which I remember thinking was unusual.

So nothing after that?

Literally, the next thing I know I’m back in my house, only it’s five years later.

Was Tara surprised?

Well, Tara sold the house and all my belongings about a year after I disappeared. Something about “moving on.” But the family who lives there now, the Thompsons, were super surprised, yes.

How did that go over?

Yeah, there was a really tense moment where I was like, “Who are you? I’m calling the police.” And then the entire Thompson family was saying the same thing to me. I can’t get into all of that with the court date still pending.

So where are you living?

Well, Tara said I could stay with her and her now husband, Blake.

Are you upset she remarried?

She said she waited for three years, but, again, had to “move on.” It’s been kind of awkward living with them, yes.

So why are you doing it?

Look, I don’t know what anyone has told you, but reappearing after being gone for five years is not ideal. I defaulted on all my loans and credit cards. I have a terrible credit score now. So the idea of getting “my own place” is pretty far-fetched. Blake is a nice enough guy, but this situation is lousy. I live in their shed.

So all of your stuff was sold off?

Tara held a funeral for me, and since there wasn’t a body, she buried my favorite shirt and my glasses – so I had to dig those up.

Have there been any other difficulties?

Well, I can’t drive, so that’s been a real hassle.

Why not?

Because my driver’s license expired two years ago. If you thought the lines at the DMV were bad before, try going when half the world’s population has to renew. I was told I could get an appointment in eight months. For now, I’m riding our neighbor’s son’s Huffy.

What about your job?

Funny thing, over the last five years, it turns out they filled my position. And let’s just say with half the world’s population now job hunting, it’s not going very well for me. My old boss joked about how I could get caught up on The Umbrella Academy. What the fuck is The Umbrella Academy? Anyway, it’s nice all those fat cat Avengers got their jobs back right away.

But at least Spider-Man is back though.

Cool.

Mentally, how are you holding up?

Well, the worst part is no one seems to know the rules of what happened. Like, how old am I now? Do I still use my birth year, or do I deduct five years now? No one has had a consistent answer for me. I was born in 1978, so with the missing five years, am I millennial now? See, no one knows. And this really affects things like colonoscopy appointments. Do I need one? Your guess is as good as mine. If I am a millennial, I guess I’ll download Snapchat as soon as I can prove to the banks I’m alive, get a credit card, and be able to afford a phone and basic wireless service. Oh, also, a place to live without Blake around would be nice.

But at least you’re back, right?

I can’t get a credit card, or a loan, or a driver’s license, and I live with my ex and Blake and their daughter and I ride a Huffy everyday to job interviews. Oh, and I’m being sued by the Thompsons. But it’s really great to be back. Thanks again, Avengers.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

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