‘Big Brother’ recap: The first unlucky hamsters face eviction

Showmances start to blossom tonight! Julie Chen said so, so you know it’s the truth. I’m pretty sure one of the showmances has to involve David, as he isn’t about to let his extremely poofy hair go to waste. 

Sidebar: McCrae looks better dripping wet after being splattered with paint than he does dry and fluffy, honestly. That hair really isn’t working for him, Secret Tech Giant or whatever the hell he is. I really can’t imagine he’s simply a pizza guy.

We pick up where we left off, with the hamsters consoling themselves over all the  mean stuff Julie Chen revealed to them. Those darn “Big Brother” twists! Amanda is freaked out about the MVP’s secret powers. Aaryn, however, is a glass half full person and thinks it’s an awesome idea, as she’s expecting to win MVP. I guess Amanda isn’t feeling that confident. McCrae is sad, because thinks he might be getting a lot of blood on his hands as HOH and won’t even get what he wants. Gosh, being HOH has no upside to it except a nice bedroom, good snacks and lots of people kissing your ass! Andy thinks this MVP twist makes it, like, so much harder! 

Seriously, though, I am hopeful that the MVP twist will add a level of complication and intrigue to a show that has become a little too predictable. I mean, I don’t consider Zingbot sufficiently twisty, do you? 

Jeremy thinks America is going to vote for girls, because everyone votes for girls. Everyone likes girls! Really, Jeremy? Jeremy decides this just means he has to charm all of the pretty women in the house, darn it. Well, at least we know Jeremy has a plan beyond secret alliances with everyone on the show, which seems flawed to say the least. 

The gals gather in the bathroom and do what girls do in the bathroom — talk about boys. Well, sometimes. Anyway, Kaitln thinks it would break her heart to have to put anyone on the block as HOH. Then, Jessie admits she’s into Nick. Like, OMG, the gals are going to have to have code names for the boys so no one knows they’re talking about them! This seems to be mostly Jessie’s idea, because Jessie is seemingly 14. Nick is Manhattan, then Big. Yes, Big. Jeremy is the Sailor, and David is Ken, as in Ken doll. 

Time to see McCrae’s HOH room! I will say, it is nice this season. GinaMarie thinks it’s like a New Jersey club! McCrae is blown away, because he gets to play with the remote! I’m not making that up, mind you — he actually say this. And he says (again, not making this up, either) he has fishes to look at! Maybe he really is a pizza guy. 

Everyone for some reason starts making fun of Rachel, which is semi-revelent and easy, because she’s not there. McCrae is encouraged to repeat Rachel’s best line, “Floaters get a life vest!” which everyone has on their minds simply because Julie Chen slipped it into their brain pans. Elissa plucks her eyelashes. She’s really scared, because she knows she looks and talks just like Rachel. Yeah, this “secret” isn’t staying under wraps for another minute, I think. 

Jeremy and Nick plot in the backyard. Nick thinks Howard is trustworthy. And Spence is also honest and not out for the kill. What about an alliance, Nick asks. Jeremy nods. What a good idea! And how convenient that Nick wants to create a slightly larger alliance around the alliance Jeremy already has! Whee!

Finally, Nick suggests McCrae? Jeremy loves this! Final five! But wait! Jeremy points out they might need a girl. Nick disagrees, saying, girls are all floaters. 

Let’s pause for a moment here. Girls. Are. All. Floaters.

I’m not sure who I’m voting for going forward, but I think Nick just dropped pretty low on my list. I think Aaryn is actually a strong physical competitor, and if we also look at the history of the show, I think Rachel (yes, let’s go back to Rachel, the ghost of this season) managed to stay afloat to the finish long after her boyfriend was sent packing. Some girls may be floaters, true, but all? 

Anyway, Nick gets to work putting this “alliance” into place. He recruits Spence. He’s down with it! Gee, Howard’s down with it, too! Doesn’t Nick think this is awfully easy? It’s finally time to get McCrae on board, at least when he’s done shimmying in an odd way for the cameras. 

Nick suggests an alliance, and McCrae wants to guess who’s already on board. He guesses Howard, Jeremy, Nick, himself, and… darn it, stumped! Spencer, Nick says. He’s good people! He has a beard! And a penis! Boys rule! Let’s call ourselves the Moving Company! Because “The Electric Company” is a show for kids!

Despite the lack of estrogen, McCrae thinks this is a good offer, one he shouldn’t refuse. And… he probably saw the guys plotting before Nick came up, so he’s just happy to be included in something he knows is already happening. Howard, Jeremy and Spence then drop in to seal the deal. Jeremy is flabbergasted the talent in the room! Nick says final five, man! 

Now that they have an alliance, who shall they pick off first? Nick says they have to watch out for David. And his hair. McCrae thinks he should put up two girls. Or maybe David and a girl, the guys suggest. McCrae is in a powerhouse alliance of five. He’s so happy! 

And… it’s time for showmance! David is totally feeling Aaryn. They cuddle in a hammock together. She tells him he might need to save her. It’s a win-win for her, because he’s strong and very handsome. She promises never to put him up, and he promises back. David is in it for the showmance, and, as he admits, she’s way smarter than he is. Okay, backtrack for a second: David said he isn’t really on the show for the money, but a showmance? Seriously? He can’t find girls to date without going on a TV show? 

You know who isn’t in a showmance, but who really wants to be? Jessie! Jessie likes Nick and Jeremy! Who should she cuddle with? They’re totally flirty with her! Really? I don’t get that at ALL. Amanda feels that being trapped in a house with Jessie is like being trapped with a teen girl who’s at a Justin Bieber concert. Jessie thinks she has more of a shot with these guys than she actually does. All Amanda wants to do is slap her in the face. Yeah, I will not cry when Jessie goes home, which could be sooner rather than later if Amanda has anything to do with it. 

Ah, the truth about Elissa has hit the fan! Everyone but everyone is suspicious, and finally Judd tells McCrae flat out Elissa is Rachel’s sister. David is the only hamster who isn’t wowed by this bombshell, as he doesn’t know who Rachel is. David is serious about just going on “Big Brother” for a showmance, clearly. 

Time for the Have/Have Not competition. The hamsters split into three teams of five — the red, the blue and the yellow. They will be playing Cooler and the Gang. Get it? That would be totally funny if it was 1980!

Anyway, the hamsters must get across a lake in an inner tube, dive into another little lake and retrieve one can of soda, get back across the lake, then put the soda on a plank of wood being balanced by ropes held by four teammates. If the pyramid of cans falls, the team must start over. 

Howard pretty much ruins the red team’s chances when he seems incapable of getting across the lake, then Judd sucks just as much. While they have a shot at making second place after David knocks over the cans for the yellow team (a screw-up that’s largely forgiven because he can make it across the lake so quickly in that inner tube), they have no chance. Blue Team wins, Yellow Team is safe, and Red Team will be the Have Nots for the week. David is just excited that Aaryn jumps into his arms after they come in second. 

So, what’s the Have Not room like? As nice as the HOH room, the Have Not room sucks a lot. I mean, a lot. Instead of cots, they get airplane seats. Coach airplane seats which do no recline. This is SO MEAN I can’t quite get over it. No one on the red team (which includes Andy and Helen) is sleeping for a week. 

But it’s soon time to move on from Have Notsville — because it’s time for the hamsters to begin scheming in smallish groups. Amanda and Kaitlin agree that Candice is beyond weird and for whatever reason wouldn’t follow orders when it came to balancing the little plank of wood during the Have/Have Not challenge. Another name to come up is Judd, and finally Jessie is added to the bottom of the list. McCrae nods but says nothing.

Time for you to vote at home! What should the Have Nots eat next week? The choices are:

– bologna and blue cheese. 

– oysters and okra 

– liver and lima beans

The first choice doesn’t sound that bad, really. Better than prison food, honestly.

The scheming continues Amanda tells McCrae to put up Jessie, in part because everyone hates her and also because she’s jealous of her ass. Seriously, she says that. Elissa visits McCrae and reveals her secret, which everyone and their dog already knows.  Aaryn and David and Jessie talk to McCrae and suggest he put up Ellissa and Helen. So, I guess that’s an alliance? Or maybe Jessie just tagged along. I don’t get the sense anyone wants to align with Jessie. 

Finally, Nick pulls McCrae aside. Nick wants McCrae to nominate girls, but in a pinch David would be okay. McCrae is thinking about nominating Elissa, even though as a super fan he thinks it’s kinda cool to have a sibling of a former winner in the house. I don’t really think Elissa’s connection to Rachel means she has any kind of edge. Even though Rachel won, her teammates hated her. She scraped through by the skin of her teeth, if I recall, and finally everyone had to give her props for playing tough and not being a floater. But that’s hardly a strategy that can be replicated.

Time for nominations ceremony!

The first key is… Nick

Second key is… Jeremy

Third key is… David

Fourth key is Aaryn

Fifth key is… Kaitlin

Sixth key is… GinaMarie

Seventh key is… Elissa 

Eighth key is… Helen

Ninth key is…Amanda

Tenth key is… Andy

Eleventh key is… Howard

Twelfth key is… Spencer

Thirteenth key is… Judd

That means Jessie and Candice are nominated for eviction. The nomination ceremony is adjourned. 

Neither of these choices are unexpected, honestly. Even for us as viewers, we can’t say either Candice or Jessie have emerged as particularly likable (Candice is okay, but Jessie makes me want to pull my hair out by the roots) or seem like big threats. They’re not even much fun in the interview room. Still, I suspect the person who’ll actually go home will be whoever is nominated by the MVP. If the MVP is smart, he or she will pick a big dog to take out early (Jeremy comes to mind) and, if the hamsters are smart and can come together (with the exception of the Moving Company alliance), the game could change dramatically. 

The two hamsters on the block are pissed, of course. Jessie thinks she’ll win POV and come after McCrae. Candice is weepy and ready to fight. McCrae didn’t want to make any enemies this week, so he hopes the MVP will do the dirty work. I hope so, too!

What did you think of this episode? Who do you think is going home? Do you think the MVP will change the game, and who would you (or will you) vote for to be the MVP?

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