Blart Attack: The internet is destroying ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’

You might guess that “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is the cinematic equivalent of a greasy paper plate that should be wadded up and thrown away outside a Sbarro, and you, sir or madam, are a good guesser.

Critics and Twitter pundits agree that the new Kevin James flick is bad for humankind. But there's an upside here: Hilarious comments about bad movies are good for humankind. We've rounded up ten good (and/or just irreverent) takedowns of “PBMC2” and ranked them for your disgusted pleasure.

10. The philosophical take.

“This oft-ridiculed screen giant is here to answer a question that has plagued mankind for decades now: what would a film be like if every single person involved made as little effort as humanly possible?”  

Tom Huddleston, Time Out London 

9. Does Blart imitate life?

“[Paul Blart] is barely anything at all; a stereotype of a stereotype; a half-remembered punchline; a stomach with a mustache and wheels.”

Robbie Collin, The Telegraph

8. Paul Blart is not (hilariously) (un-) funny (enough) (ever).

This wisp of a plot is just an excuse for James to do his one trick over and over: Bluster, then screw up humiliatingly. Is it never funny? No, it”s not never funny. It”s just not funny nearly often enough.”

Sara Stewart, NY Post 

7. It's a joke for now, but I bet we'll get a “Paul Blart 3” set in the Old West.


6. Every now and then Paul Blart gets a little bit lonely. 


5. The main problem with Paul Blart is he's not PAUL BLART enough. 

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 seemingly does the impossible: It makes you wish it were dumber, grosser, and more offensive – instead of the nothing movie that it is.” – Bilge Ebiri, Vulture

4. Wait: “Paul Blart” has OSCAR cred?  

“Despite the fact that she's featured prominently in the credits, two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight disappears within the first few minutes of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, her character unceremoniously run over by a milk truck. Lucky her.”

Frank Scheck, THR

3. Oh, Paul Blart. Segway thyself. 

“'Help someone today,'” Paul Blart urges his keynote listeners; with any luck, he”ll take his own advice and keep us from having to see him in a movie ever again.”

Justin Chang, Variety

2. We just don't understand PB. Maybe we never will. 


1. The truth. 

“The film is so mordantly witless that it takes on the quality of a bleak art-house tragedy. Michael Haneke would struggle to construct a character so worthlessly lost as that played by Kevin James.”

Donald Clarke, Irish Times