‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap: The winner is revealed

Really nice continuous shot to open the show and remind us of who’s been given the boot. And hey, is Bill Nye double-jointed? Because I don’t think arms are supposed to spin like that. While I’m excited to find out who takes home the mirror ball tonight, I’m not quite sure why we need two hours to allow three people to compete, eliminated dancers to dance, and announce rankings. An hour, absolutely. Two? Seems a bit much. But maybe it will be fun. Oh, and Ylvis is performing “The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)”!

But first, it’s a “quick look at some of the highlights” from last night. Guess what that means? Filler.

Next, we have Enrique Iglesias singing “Heart Attack.” Which is fine. 

The pros are asked to size up the competition. This is mildly interesting, actually, even though the segment is (ironically) not long or detailed enough to be truly insightful. Cheryl thinks Corbin is one of the best celebrity dancers to come onto the show. Karina thinks Amber can move. Derek calls Jack Twinkle Toes. Karina thinks he’s thinking too much. 

Everyone wanted to see Amber & Derek’s freestyle again? I’m a little disappointed, just because I loved Corbin’s freestyle a little more, but I will say Derek really understands how to choreograph for the camera. He can absolutely compose a shot. What this tells me, though, is that Amber is the winner. Sorry, Corbin.

Oh, another clip montage of the season! Wow, this show has tons of filler, doesn’t it? Anyone notice, though — no DanceCenter? Which I don’t miss, to be honest. Oh, there’s Valerie. And Bill Nye. And Keyshawn. And Snooki. It’s like looking through a yearbook, but everyone’s dressed in ridiculous dance costumes instead of dated clothing and bad hair. 

Hey, it’s Ylvis! I think this song is thoroughly ridiculous and that’s exactly why I’ve grown to love it so. And there’s Amber & Derek, doing their fox dance — and I notice Amber is still rocking a knee brace. I love that the guys in Ylvis look so serious and sincere while wearing furry costumes. The only other band that could do this so effectively is the Flaming Lips. Maybe LMFAO, but I’m not sure. 

After Ylvis performs, more filler. The stars recall their time on “Dancing with the Stars.” Amber was captured on camera adjusting her boobage. This is actually a fun montage of interview footage, and I love it when Christina talks about how any celebrity who decides to do the show needs to spend time stumping for votes. Now, I would have been happy watching this for fifteen minutes — but all of these sequences (which, I’m sure, are just to give people time to change clothes and move sets) are both too short and not short enough. 

Here’s all of the show’s female dancers dancing. Fortunately the choreography isn’t too stripper-riffic, which is sometimes a problem. 

Next, we get a segment abut Bill Nye’s injury and recovery… and they’re going for a joke. He’s the Bionic Man! Actually, the 6.5 Million Dollar Dancer! Yeah, this is cute — obviously, a stunt double is doing all the acrobatics as he and Tyne do a cha cha. I don’t get the sense that Bill Nye thinks this is as funny as Tom Bergeron thinks it is, though. I’d like to hear Bill Nye actually speak, but I guess that’s not in the cards. 

Elizabeth and Val perform, and really, I thought she was going to be in the finale. She’s a great dancer, but just not likable enough. 

A montage of memorable moments. Didn’t we just have one of these? 

Next up, a performance from Brant & Peta and Christina & Mark. Oh, these really are two more couples that went home too early. Think about this, all of you who kept voting for Bill Engvall. 

Colbie Caillat sings, and we all take a moment to remember when she was the next big thing. 

Snooki! She’s so small and so spunky, isn’t she? I wish she hadn’t kicked off her shoes to stand on a chair in the audience, though, which kind of sucks for whoever was going to sit on that chair later (if it wasn’t her, of course). 

Lady Antebellum performs. This is also fine.

Another (yes, ANOTHER) montage of great moments. Does ABC believe people don’t have DVRs? 

Leah & Tony perform, and she makes one hell of a face as she leaves the dance floor. Hey, don’t sweat it, Leah! You don’t have to face the judges this time. You’re fine. It’s just nice of you to show up, really. 

Did anyone notice that, while we got all the female dancers performing together, we didn’t get a male version? Hmmm? 

Bill & Emma perform, and all the people who loved him rejoice, I’m sure. I wish they’d just let him do stand-up instead. 

Corbin & Karina – foxtrot/cha cha

The Background: Karina gets weepy. This is their last rehearsal! But Corbin tells her to stop her stinkin’ crying — they need to work!

The Dance: This is very precise. Or most of it is very precise. It gets a little messy at the end, but he’

The Judges:  Len is standing up. He thought the foxtrot was fantastic. The cha cha was sharp — until the end. Bruno thinks the foxtrot is his best ballroom ever, but the cha cha went wrong. Carrie Ann says he lost it on the cha cha twice.  

The Scores: Carrie Ann – 9, Len – 9, Bruno – 9

The Verdict: I think, unless Amber just sits on the floor for her dance, she and Derek are winning the mirror ball. 

Jack & Cheryl – paso doble/salsa

The Background: Cheryl votes for them. They have to learn a fusion dance in three hours, but first, they admire their photos on the wall. He’s come 

The Dance:  Oh, salsa is not a natural dance for Jack. 

The Judges: Bruno thought it was a wonderful fusion. Carrie Ann thought he was a hair flat-footed on the salsa. Len says that Jack has given him the most pleasure to watch. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann – 9, Len – 9, Bruno – 9

The Verdict: There’s no shame in third place. 

Amber & Derek – samba/quickstep

The Background: Amber is not loving the bouncing and the speed of the quickstep. She waves goodbye to the rehearsal space.

The Dance: I can tell she has a knee injury, but she’s forging ahead. And it’s very crisp, really.

The Judges: Carrie Ann says they created a whole new dance. It was seamless and looked effortless. Len gets so much joy from watching Amber. And then he calls Amber a little sausage. Women love that, Len. Bruno thought it was uplifting and her performance was faultless. So, I see perfect tens, don’t you?

The Scores: Carrie Ann – 10, Len – 10, Bruno – 10

The Verdict: She’s going to win. I mean, we could have skipped this mini competition and let everyone get some rest, because really, Amber is the one to beat. 

Now the final celebrities send video love letters to their partners. I feel like I’m at a wedding reception. Or maybe a funeral. 

Now, it’s time to send someone home. The couple in third place is… going to be dragged out. The couple in third place is… Jack & Cheryl. They seemed to expect it. I wish his wife would not chew gum when the camera is aimed at her. He feels like Rocky, because he went the distance. Cheryl has to beat the inspiration drum. 

The winners of “Dancing with the Stars”? Amber & Derek, duh! Amber seems shocked, actually, which is charming. She wants to let women of all sizes know that it doesn’t matter what size you are or what color you are, you can do anything you want. 

Corbin is fine and he says he had fun. And hey, maybe this will kick start his career, so it’s still a win. Overall, a pretty decent season for “Dancing with the Stars.” The front runner won, though the voting was a little wonkier than usual (Elizabeth, Brant and Christina went home before Bill — which implies no one really cares that anyone is actually dancing, so maybe the show needs to be “Big Hearts of the Stars” or “Inspiring Stories of the Stars” or just “Here Are Stars You Like In Pretty Costumes”), and a good time was had by all. Plus, Valerie Harper is still alive and kicking, and that’s the most inspiring news of all, if you ask me.

Did you think Amber & Derek would win? Who did you vote for? Are you going to watch next season?