Spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War to follow.
We should have seen this coming. After the internet collectively lost their sh*t over Pennywise (PENNY! WISE!) and Venom, it seemed that villain thirst knew no bounds. But following Avengers: Infinity War, an odd thing happened. After people began the recovery process, some started to look at the Mad Titan in a whole new light.
Not to kinkshame, but wow. The purple maniac responsible for the death and disintegration of many beloved characters (not to mention half of the universe) has already ascended to Thicc Daddy status. Gamora’s body isn’t even cold yet! Spider-Man doesn’t even have a body anymore!
Is there a case for Thanos’s thiccness? Jason Tabrys (who is fine with the internet’s lust affair with Thanos) and Alyssa Fikse (who is decidedly not) get to the bottom of a debate that is tearing the internet apart.
Jason: I know you’re a little put off by the internet’s willingness to grant sex gawd status to jacked Grimace (h/t Star-Lord), but you have to acknowledge the physical traits that make him seem like a bed breaking lay, no? The bald/goatee dude thing is working for him (Is the chin thing some kind of vent situation? A carving/tat?), he’s not afraid to show off the guns, and that’s not even counting the swagger. And this is a CG creation! No one is uncanny valleying when they gaze upon Thanos.
Alyssa: While the idea of “chin vents” just made me shudder and not in a good way, for the sake of argument, fine. Those are some good biceps. He’s got the deep voice and authoritative (ugh, cavewoman brain) persona that is often quite hot. That’s as much ground as I will yield. Believable CGI does not a hottie make.
Jason: Isn’t that enough to say that he is hot, though? Not saying he’s good. Just acknowledging that his physicality and his demeanor make it OK for people to get lost in the naughtier end of the Marvel Redditverse on a quest for Thanos f*ckfic.
Alyssa: Well, to me, there are too many cons to truly feel comfortable with some Thanos fantasizing. And too many chin vents to outweigh the jacked bod. It’s not a beard, and nothing will convince me of that.
Jason: I assume you mean all the killing? Definitely not winning any Father Of The Year trophies.
Alyssa: Sure, the genocide is a pretty big detractor. But I mean from an aesthetics standpoint as well.
Jason: What if he modified the helmet to cover up the chin?
Alyssa: STILL NIGHTMARE MATERIAL.
Jason: Is it all the anger? Like, boulder pecs can’t distract from the fact that Thanos is always in a seriously sour mood.
Alyssa: I think this is very much a Voldemort situation: I don’t think Thanos would be at all interested in sex, so it would not be a good time for anyone.
Jason: Is the source of his fixation on the stones and resetting the universe centered on some kind of anatomical shortcoming? Is this all him compensating for a Ken doll smooth spot or some kind of space junk horror down there?
Alyssa: I’m not saying I want to see Thanos’ dick, but I need to know what we’re working with before I agree to anything. Like you said, it could be a horror show down there. But I guess my biggest question is “why?” The Marvel universe is absolutely stocked with hotties, so why does Thanos need to be seen as babely as well? Like them snarky? Star-Lord and Tony Stark. Like them bearded and noble? Cap and Thor have you covered. Like them a bit more on the nebbish side? Banner and Vision would like your attention. Still desperate for thiccness? Hello, M’Baku. It’s not like people don’t have options.
Jason: Is it the bad boy thing?
Alyssa: Listen, my man, it’s safe to say that Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger set the gold standard for hot Marvel villains. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it to Infinity War, but with him in our recent consciousness, it just feels like we’re just looking for scraps by dubbing Thanos a hottie with a body.
Jason: Can we sidebar? Much has been made of the DCU’s better class of villains but they can’t compete when it comes to the Marvel villain heat index. Handsome classics like Robert Redford and Kurt Russell. Bucky when he was a bad guy. Guy Pearce looking fierce in Iron Man 3. Mickey Rourke’s whole electric whip freak vibe. And all that versus Hot Topic Joker and Mark Zuckerberg? Nah.
Alyssa: Comparing Mickey Rourke to Sebastian Stan just broke my lizard brain. Absolutely not.
Jason: But we can step away from this firefight about Thanos for a second to acknowledge that Marvel knows what it’s doing when it comes to good-looking villains, right? Like, yes, everyone is either a space God or a wealthy industrialist, but on looks, they win out easily.
Alyssa: That’s fair. There has to be an allure. Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes it’s in a broken but almost correct ideology. Thanos cares about the environment! Nice! He thinks genocide is the way to fix it! Not so nice!
Jason: I think a lot of people think they can change him.
Alyssa: We’ve all fallen into that trap before. We can’t. You couldn’t change your drummer ex-boyfriend who will never make it big, and you can’t change the Mad Titan.
Jason: But with the time stone, you can try over and over and over again to get it right!
Alyssa: I’m trying to save people from a lifetime of heartbreak!
Jason: I’m just trying to lead people to where they can accept the objective truth of Thanos’ sex symbol bonafides!
Alyssa: Ultimately, this man (?) is responsible for the “death” of Peter Parker, and that is unforgivable. Sorry, Thanos will never be bangable. Honestly, I’m not sure why anyone is talking about this when Cap’s daddy beard is RIGHT THERE.
Jason: It is sad that Spider-Boy’s hero tale needed to conclude by way of a Kansas lyric (for now), but the spirit of forgiveness clearly blooms within those who want to bang out Thanos’ guilt issues. I get it, though. You’re a hard no on the thiccening of Thanos. At least we can agree that Chris Evans’ beard is a thing of majesty, light, and pure sex. But good luck making him forget about Peggy Carter.
Have an opinion on this vital matter? Let us know where you stand.