Marvel Is Secretly Building An Abs-tastic Chris Army And That’s Okay

Something delightfully sinister is going on behind the scenes at Marvel. Their cinematic universe is obviously funding secret experiments to turn every Chris in the world into an ab-tactular specimen with which to overthrow the Earth. If they hadn't gotten greedy, we might never have caught on but you can only turn so many guys named Chris into fantasy beefcake before suspicions – among other things – are aroused. Don't believe me? Follow me down the ab-bbit hole…nope nope. Sorry. I tried to keep the puns going and sacrificed comprehension. ANYWAY

EXHIBIT A: Chris Hemsworth

Marvel started off strong, trying to keep their Chris Agenda™ on the down low. Thor is a god so it makes sense he'd have a physique to match. And it was only fair that after so many loving, lingering camera pans on lady assets over the years that those of us not attracted to XX chromosomes get some eye candy. And lord what eye candy it was.

If only Marvel had stopped there. But they'd gotten a taste of what the power of Chris could do and they wanted more.

EXHIBIT B: Chris Evans

A scant two months after Hemsworth's debut, Marvel rolled out their next Chris-inator with Evans as Captain America. A subtle bait-and-switch, audiences were hit out of left field when he emerged from the Super Serum Iron Maiden looking like this. 

Hayley Atwell channeled every man and woman in America when she had to double check Evans was real…for science. Now Marvel knew they held a power greater than any mortal could hope to contain, so they took the next logical scientific step. Run more tests to see if they could reproduce such high Chris results. Leading to…

EXHIBIT C: Chris Hemsworth Repeat Observation Test

In order to fund wide-scale reproduction of ab-nificent Chrises (Chrisii?), Marvel needed to prove the power of Chris abs weren't a fluke. Hence this…bless.

Overconfident in their abilities and drunk on imminent world domination, Marvel tipped their hand by casting another Chris too quickly. Had they been willing to have patience we might never have caught on to their scheme until it was too late. But hubris is the downfall of villainy…ironically a lesson taught by Marvel.

EXHIBIT D: Chris Pratt 

For 'Guardians of the Galaxy,' Marvel unleashed their ultimate secret weapon once more. Rock hard washboard abs in glorious high-definition. The art perfected, we can only assume every Chris in the country will shortly be rounded up for Marvel processing.

It is now crystal clear Marvel means to usurp world governments by planting an ab-mazing Chris near key leaders and merely wait for us to fall under the spell of their six-packs. Mmmmmm, abs. Oh God, no. They've got me. Look away and save yourselves.

We have to get the word out. We have to save humanity from the oncoming Chrispocalypse. Oh who am I kidding? Marvel's totally gonna get away with this because the power of Chris abs are more mesmerizing than Hypno-Toad. ALL GLORY TO THE CHRIS AB-VERLORDS.