New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Action Figures Confirm Worst Movie Fears

03.17.14 7 Comments

Not sure exactly where Action Toys got these images of the toy line based on Michael Bay's new 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' movie, but it's not pretty. We'd already gotten an inkling of the horrors that await our childhood memories come August with leaked Halloween costume images, but this is the clearest look yet at what Bay has wrought on our radical dudes. Brace yourselves…

Photo Credit: Action Toys via Comic Book Movie

Guys? Are you okay? Do we need to have a talk about the dangers of juicing because I'm 800% sure Ooze doesn't give you bulging neck veins and biceps so large you might as well be in a puffy coat ready to play in the snow because you sure as hell aren't putting your arms down…ever.

Fortunately (?) Action Toys also procured individual shots of each turtle so that we may bask in their wretchedness one by one. 

#1 – Leonardo 

Photo Credit: Action Toys via Comic Book Movie

Let's ease in here. Leo seems the least damaged of the four. Yeah, he can't put his arms down, so sword-fighting is a struggle, but it's commendable he was able to overcome this handicap to become a duel-wielding whirlwind of death. Just maybe lay off 'Arm Day' for a while.

#2 – Michelangelo 

Photo Credit: Action Toys via Comic Book Movie

It's every bit as awful as we thought. Yes, he's wearing a sweatshirt tied around his 'waist' like a mom on a Disney World vacation.Yes he's cut the toes out of some sneakers to give himself some sweet kicks. And yes, he's wearing a shell necklace because surfer, obviously.  Imagine – if you will – Mikey attempting to wear this hoodie while fighting, arms hopelessly pinned above his head as he trips over his shoelaces. Worst. Ninja gear. Ever.

#3 – Donatello

Photo Credit: Action Toys via Comic Book Movie

Because Donnie is the 'nerd' of the group  he gets to fight wearing night vision goggles as sunglasses complete with a comm to who knows who because none of his brothers are wearing them. That's not enough to broadcast his love of technology so they appear to have WELDED a proton pack to his shell, and given him a that looks like a barely non-trademarkable lightsaber.  

#4 – Raphael

Photo Credit: Action Toys via Comic Book Movie

Raph is always the loose canon, the one with anger management issues. And what better way to showcase this to children than by having his head barely restrained by a veiny, bulging roid rage neck that is seconds away from exploding into an aneurysm? HULK RAPHAEL MAD. RAPHAEL SMASH!

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