Ranking ‘Peanuts’ Characters from Least to Most Insufferable

11.26.14 5 years ago

That's definitely a double negative in the headline, but how else can one adequately rank the characters of “Peanuts”? There's just no other way.

Charles Schulz' iconic strip is headed to the big screen, and while I'm happy that such a quaint institution has a place in 2014, no one can deny that these characters are often agonizingly horrible. I get chills thinking of the way Peppermint Patty says the word “Chuck.” I cringe thinking of Schroeder's refusal to make eye contact. I scream thinking of the existence of Rerun Van Pelt, who (thankfully) only appeared in scattered strips. Have you seen “Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown?” It's about the Charlie Brown gang going to camp and engaging in a river race. I don't recommend it unless you want to see every one of these balloon-headed microbes at their absolute worst. Snoopy drives a motorcycle in it. I am almost ill.

Let's celebrate this beloved series by choosing its most unbearable character. We'll start with the most tolerable Peanuts and work our way up to the single worst kid, whom I hope gets dive-bombed by the Red Baron ASAP.

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