‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: What’s up with Mynique?

Isn’t cute that Cynthia has to explain to Mynique how to talk like a gay man? When all the girls howl after she cluelessly bats her eyes and says, “I don’t feel red,” it’s a little bit like watching a new exchange student try to order lunch or the first act of “Bambi.” It’s not enough that Mynique has no idea how to act like an African-American woman among women; the real issue is that she isn’t apparently smart enough to sit back and let the beautiful car wreck that is “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” wash over her until she has enough ammunition to jump into the fray. No, she charges in, empty guns firing away at nothing — right up until she gets shot down. 

The trip to Savannah, of course, is off to a bumpy start before it even gets on the road. After Kandi and Kenya duke it out on the bus, Kandi decides that the best way to smooth things over is to stomp into the master bedroom and declare it hers. I half expected her to pee on the bed, lest someone try to snatch it away from her. Even Phaedra warns her that the other girls will want the digs if they see her crazy fabulous bathroom, and the truth is, I wouldn’t blame them. NeNe, who is trying hard to “keep Nay-Nay in a suitcase,” tries to be Zen about it, but come on, Kandi is being a brat of the worst order. The master bedroom should go to the person who organized the trip, period. For once, NeNe would have a good case for letting Nay-Nay out of the suitcase. 

Of course, that’s exactly what Kenya wants, and she spends an inordinate amount of time trying to poke NeNe into having a fit. Oh, and popping out of dark corners, trying to scare people. Kenya is clearly in touch with her inner child to an extent that’s a little creepy, if you ask me. 

Still, it’s Mynique who makes the most notable screw-ups during the show. First, she tries to make it absolutely clear to Porsha that, while she has a controlling, messed-up, female-submissive relationship with her husband, too, it’s TOTALLY different than Porsha’s! Porsha, of course, cries. Though I’m liking Porsha quite a bit more than I did during the Kordell days, too often we get reminders that she’s either dumb as a brick or was in a coma from middle school until her late ’20s, as she thought the Underground Railroad was an actual friggin’ railroad. Didn’t her grandfather Hosea Williams ever think, as he was dragging her around to rallies or whatever, to maybe make sure she understood a bit of black history? Just a smidge? Or maybe one of those rocks that was being thrown at her connected with a soft part of her skull, because man, even when presented with the fact that the railroad is an idea, a euphemism, is NOT IN FACT REALY, she will NOT let it go. It wasn’t electric, I know! It was probably very small. Uh-huh. No, I mean, it was real, but it was different, right? When NeNe thinks you have not paid attention in class, you really should consider a trip to the library, or the Internet, or, you know, just plain reading. 

Anyway, back to Mynique. After making Porsha cry, her next target is Phaedra, who shuts her down like a restaurant with a vermin infestation. Everyone else seems scandalized that Phaedra tells Mynique to shut her pie hole, as she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about and she doesn’t, in fact, know Phaedra at all, but I don’t blame Phaedra one bit for taking offense. Yes, Mynique is NeNe’s friend and Chuck Smith’s wife, but her scattershot approach to picking enemies does not make me think she’s going to be a particular asset to the show. 

Mynique finally gets her comeuppance when she tries to talk to Kandi about her affair with her husband, a meaningless “two week” relationship that barely counted as a relationship… right? Oh, actually, no. Kandi dumbed Chuck, and she slept with Chuck, and Chuck bought Mama Joyce a damn Louis Vuitton purse. And he paid Kandi’s bills. So… not exactly what sounds like a quick romance to me. Mynique blinks and blinks. Kenya, who picks up this delicious ball of bacon-wrapped gossip, merrily tosses it to Phaedra, who also dated Chuck. Well, not really, right? You would think that, given that Chuck clearly hasn’t told Mynique either 1) the truth or 2) the whole story, she would shut up. Instead, she keeps digging a deeper hole. But it wasn’t serious! It was serious? Well, you’re a woman, you’re confused. Because, as we know, professional athletes are always honest about their pasts! I think Mynique may want to wash the sheets when she gets home, as I don’t get the impression her husband is all that honest in general. 

But Mynique really makes a mess of things when she decides to attack not Kandi or Phaedra (or even Kenya, who’s clearly creating the problem) but Porsha. Yes, Porsha is an easy target (it’s like kicking a puppy), but what Porsha lacks in intellect she makes up for in volume, and even Mynique has to realize she’s sounding like a crazy person (as Kandi says) after a certain point. Hey, I see another “Real Housewives” divorce on the horizon, don’t you? 

Do you think Mynique should join the cast? Do you think Kandi should have given the master bedroom to NeNe? Do you think Phaedra was right to shut down Mynique?