‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Kyle opens her store and confronts Kim

So, the ladies are back in Los Angeles, and that means no jogging by the Siene, no beheading ducks, none of Kyle’s terrible fake French accent. Thankfully, drama follows these women around like vultures after a wagon train or high school chicks after Justin Bieber. It doesn’t matter where they are, they can find something to scream, argue or cry about. Remember, Kyle and Kim managed to have a physical altercation in a limo. I mean, that takes some effort.

We start off by watching Yolanda and David do a photo shoot. Yolanda wears a revealing silver dress, she carps at the stylist, and it all turns out just fine. I honestly have absolutely no idea why this was included in the show. For some reason, we spend a ridiculous amount of time on these Days in the Fabulous Life of Yolanda Foster. Look at her fridge! Look at her lemon trees! Look at her daughter ride a horse! If I wanted to watch boring crap like this, I’d get a subscription to Town & Country. 

Thankfully, we move on from the fabulous Fosters to Marisa and Mauricio wandering through her late father-in-law’s home. There’s a two-story library! Who has a two-story library? Richard Zanuck did, that’s who! Anyway, Marisa thinks they should list it for $25 million. Mauricio thinks it will be perceived as a deal if they go for $23 million. I think they should donate the monstrosity to charity and let it be turned into something useful, like a children’s hospital or an iPhone factory. 

Hey, do you ever think about Dana? Remember Dana? Name-dropping, brand-plugging, crazy-making Dana? Yeah, well Taylor meets her for drinks and, apparently, to watch her chain smoke. It turns out Dana didn’t have that fabulous wedding in a European castle. No, she got dumped, and her fella even asked for his Lamborghini back. The nerve! Anyway, since the break-up, she’s been drinking a lot, smoking a lot, and screwing a lot. She also looks puffy, and not in an injectables kind of way.

Even Taylor thinks she’s pretty far gone, and the truth is, I am SO much more interested in Dana. She’s starting to act like a bitter Bette Davis movie character, and with the smoking she’s starting to sound like one, too. She lectures Taylor about how the women in their clique are not to be trusted, and how Brandi is a scumbag, and she should always watch her back. She then swallows a pack of cigarettes and growls. Not really, but it would have been the perfect topper. 

The set piece of this episode, though, is Kyle opening her ridiculous Beverly Hills shop, Kyle by Alene Too. Which is a name for a label, not a store. Anyway, Kyle really doesn’t know anything about running a store (except hiring smart people to work with her), because on her brief jaunt to a showroom, she shops. For herself. Everything she wants for the store are things she wants for her closet. This isn’t a terrible thing, but the truth is, if you want to be successful you can’t just buy crap you would wear. Your entire stock can’t just be right for one person — you have to buy some items that aren’t exactly right for your body, your coloring, your height, that sort of thing. Why? Because then only people who look roughly like YOU will successfully shop your store. Or will look like people who like to copy you, so, you know, like Faye Resnick. 

Taylor, who is in a floaty, Zen-ish head space, wants to make nice with Yolanda. She realizes, having talked to Dana, she needs to make friends who can afford to fly her places and pick up tabs. She tries to tell Yolanda she feels badly about having judged her, but Yolanda wants to lecture her first. She doesn’t LIKE people who gossip! She has no right to think thoughts about her fabulous husband! She should be up front about not liking people, and she shouldn’t not like them anyway! Eventually Taylor barks at her that she WANTS TO BE FRIENDS, dammit, and they hug it out. 

Otherwise, the big opening isn’t all that interesting. The whole gang arrives, including Camille and, yes, Adrienne and Paul. Brandi shrinks into the crowd, and thus, no fighting. People eat tiny bits of things on skewers and drink champagne and shop. It’s almost civilized!

Then, Kyle decides to see if she can squeeze some drama out of Kim. She was worried about her in Paris! And it turns out, though Kim didn’t fall off the wagon, she DID confuse her medications. That’s why she was acting funny. Kyle wants to believe her. Kim wants her to believe her! Kim tells her sister that she is strong but every day is a battle, and one day she realized she was going to die, and worse, she didn’t care. She never wants to feel that way again. Kyle cries, Kim cries, make-up is blotted and there is hugging. Wait, am I watching “Intervention”? Here’s to Kim’s sobriety in any case. Kyle could always ask everyone to raise their champagne glasses in a toast, but I’d assume even Kyle might find that tacky. Just slightly. 

What did you think of Kyle’s shop? What did you think of seeing Dana again? Do you think Taylor and Yolanda can be friends?