‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: All hell breaks loose ‘When Joes Collide’

We knew it all had to come to blows sooner or later, didn’t we? In this nightmare episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” the two Joes finally got into it, with Joe Gorga scrabbling across the floor like a feral monkey and Joe Giudice snarling like, well, Joe Giudice. Punches were thrown, Melissa somehow sandwiched herself in the middle of the ruckus — and Teresa, the one who started it all, tottered away from the fight like a little kid who’s been caught stealing cookies. I guess she was toddling off to ask someone to call 911, but really, that might be assuming too much of Teresa.

While Rosie was determined to think that some good might come of this outing, I’m pretty sure no one else from her side of the family did. Kathy and Rich looked as if they were boarding a bus to their joint execution, and Melissa and Joe Gorga appeared to be putting on their game faces for a battle scene from “Game of Thrones.” On the other side, Joe Giudice was grunting affirmations while Teresa tried to put a weirdly happy spin on this hellish outing. Look how cute this castle is! We get a buffet lunch! I will love my brother soooo much when he apologizes!

Oh, and let’s not forget the most insulting comment of the week, courtesy of Joe Giudice — autism’s not so bad! Some of dem become scientists and stuff! Even Teresa blinks frantically and tries to change the topic.

Anyway, Teresa had to start the drama as soon as everyone dragged in their suitcases. Did you see that EVIL TWEET from Jacqueline? Did you? I DARED HER TO COME AND SHE’S NOT HERE BECAUSE SHE’S ASHAMED! And hey, why didn’t you guys tweet in my defense? Huh? Huh? 

Melissa sighs deeply and probably wonders if there’s any reason to unpack. To her credit, she doesn’t state the obvious, which is that Jacqueline isn’t at the retreat because she knows it’s going to be about as pleasant as gouging out her own damn eyes with a pair of nail scissors.

Even thought Kathy and Melissa very rightfully try to talk Teresa down from the ceiling by pointing out that the weekend is really about the people who are in the room, Teresa is clearly miffed. If they LOVED her, they’d DEFEND her, or they’d at least listen to her bitch about Jacqueline then say reassuring things, the way Kim D. and Teresa’s other suck-up friends do. 

It’s pretty clear Teresa not only isn’t going to apologize, but she’s not going to take one iota of responsibility in all the craziness that’s gone on. So, the drama begins during lunch (I propose a new diet book from Teresa – Fight Your Way Thin: Kill Your Appetite with Hating!). Teresa tries to get her brother to confess he has no thoughts of his own and only parrots what his wife wants him to say. Oddly enough, Joe Gorga does not agree. Joe Giudice grunts. Rosie suggests everyone save the fighting for when the professionals arrive to help them sort things out. Hahahahahaha!

Sweet little Stephanie and Joe pop in with their big, cornfed smiles and their cute little games (stand on a rectangle! Hug! Repeat! Yay!) and our cast knows that these idiots are probably fine for normal people, but they are ill-prepared for crazy like Teresa. At first, Joe (who has done team building in, I think, Iraq) tries to moderate. Eventually he just… stops, instead staring at the crazy with a glazed smile of panic on his face. I think the key to him doing his job even a little bit well is that the people in the room have to want to work together instead of kill one another. 

And so it comes to pass that Teresa demands Joe Gorga pick blood over a “stranger” (meaning his wife), and Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum, and Teresa tells Joe Giudice what her brother said, and the fight breaks out. We see all of two seconds of it so that it can be played out in gruesome detail next week, but I think we get the idea.

In short, Teresa and Melissa? Nevah evah gonna happen. So can we stop with the bonding, healing retreats? Before someone gets killed? Thanks, “RHoNJ”! Love ya, mean it!

Do you think the retreat was a bad idea? Do you think Teresa is wrong, or Melissa? Do you think Caroline and Jacqueline made the right decision to skip it?