I always love an episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” with lots of Rosie in it. Though she’s only “housewife adjacent,” she’s fiercely loyal, completely honest about her feelings, and possibly insane. She’s the attack dog of the series, and while she can be embarrassing (she seemingly does not have an indoor voice), she usually says the things other people are thinking, and says them at very, very high volume.
This week one of the things Rosie is thinking, in a very graphic, nasty way (a way that also includes a hand gesture), is that Teresa can go scratch. Rosie makes an excellent, if not entirely sober, point during Rich and Alexandra’s birthday party that if Teresa wants nothing to do with Kathy (which still seems to be the case), how about the fact that Kathy and, really, anyone sane doesn’t want anything to do with Teresa? And yet, the whole party seems to be brought down by Teresa’s lack of loving feelings for the occupants.
Maybe Kathy and the rest of the gang just hates not being invited to Giudice birthday parties or something, but I can’t help but thing everyone really should be celebrating that Teresa wants nothing to do with them. If we’ve learned anything on this show, it’s that Teresa is a self-absorbed, possibly sociopathic (as Jacqueline helpfully points out) nutjob. Yes, Joe Gorga’s dad will be awfully sad if he and his sister don’t mend fences, but he’s got to have some clue that Daddy’s little girl isn’t exactly mentally sound. Maybe she killed the family cat for fun one year or something. I can’t believe she just went crazy the minute she became a grown-ass woman.
Still, most of this episode is spent on other people complaining about, yes, Teresa. Jacqueline whines to her trainer about her when she should be working her triceps, Joe and Melissa complain about her to one another (I guess this is how you have a sexy marriage — a shared hatred), and Caroline just tsk-tsks all the rest of them. For her part, Teresa makes snotty remarks about Melissa getting a book deal. Even her mother-in-law sharing the Italian saying about not spitting in the air lest it fall back on you doesn’t really sink in. Teresa probably thinks it’s really about spitting.
Of course, I can’t say Teresa is 100 percent at fault. Melissa’s very existence bugs Teresa, but if Melissa wasn’t so (pretty justifiably) mad, she might be able to let some of Teresa’s bad behavior roll off her back. Jacqueline claims to be done with Teresa and yet still wastes her time yapping about her (granted, it could be PTSD), and Kathy actually seems to think that Teresa accepting an apology should mean something. What all of these women are doing wrong is thinking they’re dealing with someone like themselves. They’re not. Teresa should be treated like the crazy person we know her to be. If they’d just try soothing voices, gentle assurances and, when in doubt, candy, things could be so different.
At the end of the episode, we get the moment we’ve been, well, not waiting for, exactly. More like the moment we’ve been dreading but also secretly hoping will be as much of a car wreck as we think it will be. Teresa and Joe Gorga find themselves in the gym at the same early hour, and Teresa knows Daddy would be so hurt to think she and her brother didn’t speak to one another while in the same room. My thought? He won’t know if you don’t tell him, so go finish your weight routine so you don’t disturb the other people in the gym who don’t use it as a convenient place to air dirty laundry. I’m beginning to think there’s exactly one gym in all of New Jersey watching this show, and it doesn’t even seem to be a very nice one.
Teresa starts out in Nice Teresa mode, which means giggling and using her squeaky voice, but Joe isn’t buying. He wants to know what she wants, and that’s it — they’re off and running! Joe accuses her of saying nasty things about his wife, Teresa accuses Melissa of lying, Joe asks Teresa is her husband usually calls her the C-word, blah blah blah. It ends when Teresa dumps a bottle of water on Joe and knocks over a garbage can, which to me suggests that Joe wins the battle simply for not acting like a pouty five-year-old.
This makes two weeks in a row that someone has tried (and failed) to make nice with Teresa. The question is, of course, when these people are just going to stop trying. I really wonder what Teresa would do if everyone just finally threw up their hands and, gasp, ignored her. Starved for attention, would she start keying cars or sending dirty text messages? Maybe feed nasty gossip to the tabloids (actually, that’s already happened)? Would she fall apart, rend her clothing in the middle of the street, then burst into flame? Maybe, but one thing’s for certain — everyone else would probably feel a lot better without her and that annoyingly shrill voice of her around.
Are you sick of Teresa yet?