‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: ‘It’s My Party and I’ll Fight If I Want To’

Sometimes, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is just good fun. And sometimes I just want to start handing out smacks. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for “RHoNJ” tonight, but my desire to shake some of these people was simply overwhelming. I couldn’t have hated them more if they’d been throat punching potbellied pigs. Not that that didn’t almost happen. 

Let’s start with Teresa’s horrible children. When the hairdresser has to tell one of your demon spawn she’s being rude, congratulations! You have brats! I really think If I see Teresa’s daughter Gia roll her eyes one more time as her mom tries desperately to be her BFFL (well, after she finds out what that is), I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will be senselessly violent. 

Admittedly, when Teresa grovels before Gia at the girl’s 12th birthday party, it’s one of the few times I actually feel for her. She doesn’t seem to understand that wanting to be your tweenage kid’s “biffle” is just plain wrong. It’s as if someone told her, “If you love someone, hold them so tightly they stop breathing.” But then, so many things in Teresa’s life are messed up, I guess spoiling her kids and turning them into little monsters is just sticking with the theme.

For whatever reason, Teresa has “friends” (I use that term loosely) who love nothing more than to suck up to the Queen Bee. Teresa seems to think this is sincere, but I’m thinking this is a naked grab for camera time. Still, Kim “D” and Linda are very good at 1) propping up Teresa’s belief that she is always right and Melissa is a whore and 2) well, mostly that. Basically, they just kind of parrot anything Teresa may be thinking or feeling, no matter how irrational, which suits Teresa just fine. With friends like these, who needs logic?

I’m not quite as eager to smack Caroline, though this week I realized who she’s starting to act like: Tony in “The Sopranos.” I swear, the way she keeps organizing sit downs and calling warring factions to the table, I’m expecting her to form an alliance to deal meth or grab a semi-automatic weapon out of the nearest toilet and blow away the rest of the cast. Anyway, she tells Joe a little white lie, in that she claims Teresa really wants to resume a relationship with him — and she just leaves out the part “right after he apologizes to her.” I think this is a mistake Caroline will live to regret, because the truth is Teresa won’t really make nice with her brother until he divorces Melissa and fights her for full custody of the kids. 

The big set piece of this episode is bratty Gia’s birthday party, and Melissa stupidly decides to go with her brood. Of course, Teresa (with Kim “D” and Linda as back-up) eagerly calls Melissa out as a liar before she can even get a slice of crappy birthday cake. Apparently, Melissa didn’t rush to her father-in-law’s bedside when he was in the hospital, which Teresa deemed a disrespectful move tantamount to pushing the guy under a moving train. Melissa, who is far too logical sometimes, at first says she went to the hospital the next day, then realizes her mistake (and cops to it) and says she went a few days later. Big deal. But Teresa is absolutely THRILLED to expose this weakness in Melissa. She’s a lying snake in the grass! Who’s probably still stripping and might turn tricks while she’s watching the kids! She’s evil, yes, evil! 

Melissa, realizing Teresa is having far too much fun poking her, packs up her kids and flees. Teresa pouts. Stoopid Melissa is gonna go tell on her to Joe! Waah! Really, smacks are deserved all around. I’m not sure if Joe Gorga was as sick as he claimed to be (although I could have done with less frequent descriptions of his diarrhea), but it was a bit fishy that Melissa made time for the gym (probably because, oh, the producers suggested it) when her husband was apparently on death’s door. Teresa was just stirring the pot at the party, and Melissa was a damn fool to go to that party without back-up of her own, or at least a plan to stay out of the “adult room,” where so many grown-ass people were acting like children. When Gia had to walk in and tell her idiot relatives to stop fighting, no one seemed to think that was the low point it obviously was. 

Just once, I’d like Melissa and Teresa to have an argument that actually gets somewhere. They clearly aren’t able to read between the lines or understand their actual feelings, but maybe someone can run that in subtitles during the segment.

Teresa: “Did you visit my father in the hospital?” (You stole my brother from me. Bitch.)

Melissa: “Of course. I love him. He’s my father-in-law.” (No, I didn’t, and he’d hate you even if he was single. Bitch.)

Teresa:  “When did you go?” (You’re totally fake and lie about everything.)

Melissa: “The next day. I took Antonia.” (You’re just jealous because I’m younger and have a better body than you do.)

Teresa: “No, you didn’t.” (“So?”)

Melissa: “Oh, no, you’re right, I think it was Tuesday.” (If you’d stop being such a pain in my ass I’d let you borrow my nice shoes.)

Teresa: “Why did you say you went right away?” (“I don’t know how not to be a pain in the ass. It’s my thing.)

Melissa: “I have three kids! I’m busy!” (Good to know. We’re moving to Hawaii!)

Anyway, a few other things happen in the episode. Jacqueline and Chris get their autistic son a hyperbaric chamber bed, which really looks like a tent with a vacuum attached to it. But hey, Michael Jackson had one, so it must be good! Oddly, the trial run of the bed makes both Caroline and Joe get weepy, and I wish someone would explain that Jacqueline and Chris are not going to stuff Nicholas in the bed, zip it up, take it to the nearest FedEx, and ship him somewhere. 

As for Caroline, when she isn’t trying to broker deals, she’s trying to cope with her sister Frannie. Frannie lives with Caroline and Al, and she likes to bring home unwanted animals. This week, it’s a potbellied pig. Caroline threatens to turn Moo Shu into bacon, though I think it would have been more apropos to want to turn him into pork mu shu or at least something Chinese. 

Finally, we’re continuing to see the rift between Rich and Kathy grow, as Rich wants to be the cool dad who doesn’t get mad when Joseph takes the Ferrari for a run with Auntie Rosie, and Kathy just wants to kill him and everyone within a two mile radius. Kathy is getting sick of being the bad cop, but I suspect she’ll hold on to the title just long enough to pitch all of Rich’s belongings onto the curb and possibly hand him divorce papers to boot. 

Do you think Melissa and Teresa will ever mend fences? Is Caroline wasting her time? What do you think is ahead for Kathy and Rich?