Recap: After hometowns, the final three results are in on ‘The Bachelorette’

 

Ashley walks us through exactly what she likes about each guy. Ben is exciting, Constantine is exactly her type, Ames is unique and J.P. is the whole package. Unique? She keeps calling Ames unique, which is one of those words that does not convey red hot passion. Ames is done for. Boo! I like Ames!

 

First up, Ashley heads to Cumming, Georgia to visit Constantine’s family. Constantine is going to take her to the family restaurant to meet his dad Dimitri, his mom Elleni and his sister Maria. Even though they’re Greek, it’s an Italian restaurant, but one with “Greek touches.” If that’s anything like Argentinean pizza, which I have in my neighborhood and seems to involve pumpkin pie spice, count me out. Ashley thinks Constantine looks really sexy walking around the restaurant, but I get the impression she thinks he looks sexy anywhere. Personally, I don’t know how she keeps him and Ben straight, but whatever. They make a pizza together. The waitresses watch their date. He feels like it’s clicking. She thinks he loves hard and for real. They have chemistry. They kiss and the waitresses go wild. Blah, blah, blah.

 

They go to his parents’ house and discover a sign above the door that says Welcome Home Constantine. What? No welcome for Ashley? Personally, I think that’s a little telling, but Ashley thinks it’s cute. Wait until they forget to buy you a Christmas gift and make you sit in the car while they open gifts, Ashley. You’ll be sorry.

 

Elleni has one question: is Ashley willing to relocate? Why does Ashley have to relocate? Ashley doesn’t seem to mind, and says if it’s really important, she’ll do it. Oh, Ashley.

 

Time for another staged, forced chat. Dimitri tells Constantine love takes time, but he’ll give his blessing if the kid decides he’s in love.

 

Constantine’s whole family drops by for a big party with Greek dancing while some old guy throws money at Ashley like she’s handing out lap dances. It’s just like “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” but not as funny. She can envision herself having a life with Constantine. Elleni plans to turn Ashley into an honorary Greek. I suspect that’s not all she intends to do. Dimitri would love to see his son with Ashley in love forever. Constantine can see Ashley become part of the family. So, everybody’s happy.

 

Next, Ashley heads to Chads Ford, PA to see Ames. Ames looks adorable except that his underwear is poking out of his jeans in a big, blue clump. His sister Serena, her husband Randy, his mother Jane, his brother Jim and his wife Tracy and some nieces and nephews will be meeting Ashley. And hopefully one of them will tell Ames to adjust his pants.

 

Jane thinks Ames looks happy and seems taken with Ashley. Serena thinks he has a spark, but she isn’t sure if Ashley has that spark for Ames. I think Serena is a very savvy woman, because she’s dead on. She talks with Ashley and gets her to admit that her relationship with Ames is moving slower than some other ones, but she sees so many good things in him. She feels something! It could be love, it could be cramps or heartburn, but she feels something! Ashley is so full of it.

 

Ames’ dad died when he was 10, then his stepdad died of cancer, too. It’s made him more cautious. Ashley understands him so much better! Serena can tell Ashley likes Ames, but she’s still not sure if there’s a spark. That’s a nice way of saying that Ashley is just counting the minutes until she can mash faces with Ben. Which I don’t get. Ames is well-traveled, handsome in a Harry Connick Jr.-runover-by-a-truck way and he’s charming. Oh, I’m sorry, unique.

 

Jane assures Ashley that Ames can stand by her side should they face any hardships together. Ashley admits they’re moving slow. Jane thinks this isn’t a bad thing. I think she has a point. Ashley is missing the spark and romance with Ames. Maybe he needs to find a Geico caveman costume. That would get her sparked up.

 

Serena tells Ames he needs to tell Ashley how he really feels. There needs to be fire. C’mon, Ames! God, do something with your underwear! You can still save this!

 

Ames chooses to drag her out for a romantic picnic and reveals he was unpopular in high school. Ashley thinks Ames thinks the way she thinks. Ames is not pouring on the romance here. He tells her he believes in magic in the ordinary. Shut up, Ames, and kiss her! Finally, they kiss. He doesn’t think he’s ever had such a beautiful moment. I think Ashley is wondering if Ben will have wine at his place.

 

She’s off to Sonoma to see Ben. She thinks everything about Ben is sexy. Including his fashion. What fashion? All he’s worn are shorts and cotton shirts that any idiot could pick out of the J Crew catalog. Oh, and he makes wine. At least be honest, Ashley. The wine’s not a terrible selling point.

 

Ben takes Ashley to the winery for a picnic. She sees the romance and sophistication in Ben as he pours wine. Wine, wine! They drink wine and kiss.

 

He’s only brought one woman to meet his mom. Ashley’s surprised. A lot of his previous relationships didn’t last long, but now he’s in touch with the Emotional Ben and everything is different. Are the red warning lights flashing really, really brightly? I can barely see the computer screen in here. Ben says he’ll pretty much kick Ashley to the curb if his mom and sister don’t like her. And Ashley nods, as if this is a perfectly normal thing to say. Ashley, RUN.

 

Ben’s sister submitted him for the show, but she’s VERY protective. She’s skeptical and wants to protect Ben and the family (read: money). Everyone seems formal and polite and very, very stiff, as if it’s taking all of their energy to repress what they really want to say. What a lovely, cold environment! At least they’re all well dressed. 

 

Ben assures Julia that Ashley has helped him open up. He’s fallen for her. He could propose if things continue to progress. Julia nods and fake smiles. God, this family could not be more terrifying.

 

Ben tells his mom he regrets not being there for her after his dad died. His mom appreciates the sentiment. I’m waiting for a formal handshake. She thinks his dad would be proud of him. Ben misses his dad. Emotional Benn cries. Emotional Ben is happy, but we can’t see it. God, if I were Ashley, I could not get out of here fast enough. I know, it’s sad his dad died, but either everyone’s buttoned up for the cameras or they’re just cold fish.

 

But Ashley thought it was an incredible night. She could see herself spending the rest of her life with him. Wha? Because she liked “Ordinary People” so much she wants to live it?

 

Ashley heads to Roslyn, New York for J.P. They’re going to go rollerskating! She feels like she’s back in seventh grade. She loves it. They kiss on the rink floor. To a Journey cover, which wasn’t on in the rink, but I guess that’s better than dwelling on the fact they had to roller skate to nothing for fear of messing up the sound editing. J.P. falls. They kiss. She feels so lucky to be with him! They drink wine out of paper cups.

 

J.P. is going to introduce Ashley to his parents Ilene and Peter and his brother Roy and girlfriend Andrea. He’s only brought home four girls, which Ashley is surprised to hear. Because he’s 34. You know, super old.

 

Everyone tiptoes around the elephant in the room: The Last Girl J.P. Brought Home. It ended badly, J.P. says cryptically. Then Ashley asks him how he can be so sure about her when he hasn’t been sure his whole life about girls. That sounds like you’re saying he’s GAY, Ashley! Anyway, he’s sure about her. He’s accepted that he might get crushed. Hang in there, J.P.!

 

Ilene is worried. She basically tells Ashley not to break her son’s heart. I’d step carefully, Ashley. I think The Last Girl J.P. Brought Home might be buried under the cement patio in the backyard.

 

Roy doesn’t want J.P. to be hurt. No one wants J.P. to be hurt. I am waiting for Ilene to threaten to break Ashley’s kneecaps. His mom shows off J.P.’s bar mitzvah poster. This also serves the purpose of making sure that Ashley remembers J.P. is Jewish.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of the bachelors or bachelorettes have a serious conversation about religion. No, they’re too busy going roller skating and drinking wine in romantic places, but it seems like something they may want to spitball before they get hitched. They probably do, but ABC isn’t going to air that hot potato. Or at least I hope that’s it.  

 

It’s back to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. She can’t believe that the last time she sat in that room with Chris was after Bentley. Who’s Bentley, she jokes! Yeah, um, we remember, Ashley. You can’t sweep that train wreck under the rug. She declares Constantine’s hometown date the best. She blathers on about Ames. But I don’t think she’s feeling it. She says Ben’s date was perfect. She fell in love with J.P.’s family. EVERYONE is perfect. Shut up, Ashley. Time to kick a guy to the curb.

 

Ben gets a rose.

J.P. gets a rose.

Constantine gets a rose. Ames’ little face deflates. Oh, baby!

 

Ashley sits down with Ames. Ames thinks it was more poetic than he ever imagined. C’mon, Ashley, he was romantic! Ashley doesn’t give him reasons why she prefers the Geico cavemen, she just hugs him and sends him on his way. Ames feels numb. He fell in love with someone who didn’t fall in love with him back. He wonders what it was. Oh, Ames. You’ll be hunted to extinction when you get back to New York, don’t worry.

 

So, three guys are left and of the three, two have red flags waving (the Last Girl J.P. Brought Home and the Icy Ice Family) and the third seems to have a wonderful family that will smother and bully the crap out of Ashley. But Ashley’s too happy and in love to care. Ah, it’s good to be the Bachelorette!

 

Next week, they’re off to Fiji! And it looks like someone makes Ashley cry. Again. Hey, maybe Bentley comes back! Just kidding.