Before we get started, did you guys see “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” episode last night? I’m sooo sad that weasel Bentley didn’t show his creepy, rat-like face, if only so the other bachelors could punch it in. But enough about him — didn’t it seem like the guys ganged up on Ryan P. all over again? I couldn’t believe, after we watched yet again his little heart get smushed like a ladybug under Ashley’s foot, that Blake would question his motives. Sorry, I rooted for Ryan P. But happy to see that Ames finds… well, if not love, something steamy on “Bachelor Pad.”
In one corner, we have Ben. I like Ben. Ben’s nice. He also seems to have a deeply repressed family and I’m a little unnerved by how often he has to remind us that he’s FINALLY opening up to love and he’s FINALLY letting his guard down. I think Ashley, if she chooses Ben, could spend a lot of time shouting, “HONEY, would you just TALK TO ME? About your FEELINGS? I feel so ALONE!” Which is what I suspect Ashley may do anyway. Ashley, thy middle name is Kinda Needy.
In the other corner, we have J.P. J.P. wins hands down on cuteness. He’s fun, he’s charming and he seems to really click with Ashley in a way Ben doesn’t. I get a serious buddy vibe from Bashley. Or Ashben. Or whatever. But J.P. is not without flaws, as that big, pouty moment during the wedding photo shoot proved. That might have been expected jealousy or he might not let Ashley out of the house on her own. There’s just no way to know at this point.
So, here we go. Ashley pitches her two beaus to her family. Ashley assures her family she’s in love and she’s definitely getting engaged. But she hasn’t made up her mind. Uh-huh. Her sister is sure she can tell who the right guy is. If she doesn’t like the guys, that means something’s up. Chrystie is very confident. Or nuts.
J.P. meets the parents, sister Chrystie and brother Eliot. Everything is great Until Chrystie decides he’s too old and demure for Ashley. Ashley cries. Chrystie keeps on hammering away about how she didn’t see a spark. Ashley cries more. I would think Chrystie would pick up on how her sister is falling apart, but okay. Ashley’s mom points out they only spent 15 minutes with the guy so maybe Chrystie should calm the hell down.
Chrystie sits down with J.P. and tells him she thinks Ashley’s relationship with him is crap. God, Chrystie, just shut up and listen for a minute. She’s really hung up on the “does he make you laugh” thing. J.P. tells her he loves Ashley. Chrystie thinks he’s an old codger and thinks he’s too serious for Ashley. What? He’s not 65, crazypants. Chrystie must be getting a payoff from the producers to pick a fight. Or she’s mean, or she’s nuts. Who knows? She’s just SO devoted to the idea that J.P. is wrong with Ashley, which is fine, but talk about snap decisions. Chrystie tells J.P. there’s basically nothing he can say to change her mind. J.P. is understandably pissed.
Ben’s turn! Ashley’s freaked. Ashley talks to Chrystie. Ashley says Chrystie hurt J.P.’s feelings. Chrystie shouldn’t have to sugar coat things. Ashley finally calls Chrystie a bitch. Chrystie cries to her mom. I would not want to spend Christmas with these people.
Ben does baby doggie talk in front of Ashley’s family. Chrystie seems thoroughly charmed. She tells Ben she thinks Ashley is herself around him. Ben gets the big thumbs up from Chrystie. Ashley is glad. But she can’t forget how she feels about J.P. She’s more confused than ever!
Time for a helicopter ride with Ben. He’s the perfect guy for Ashley, she thinks! Except for J.P.! They go take a mud bath. It’s a sexy mud bath. If they say so. Ben invites her into his room and tells her he loves her. They make out on the bed. We can assume it goes further, or maybe it doesn’t.
Time for a date with J.P. Ashley wants to talk to J.P. about their relationship. What she really means is she wants to give him a good argument to throw in her sister’s face.
She says she wants to be in a dynamic relationship. Okay. I’m not sure what she means by that, but I’m sure J.P. is all about the dynamic. He is flexible on everything. He doesn’t want her to be sucked into a monotonous relationship. She wanted him to say he wants a new life with her, not for her to fit into his life. He thinks he’s been doing that. But Ashley wanted HIM to say it first. I think Ashley’s a little high maintenance and we’ve just seen a bit of what their first big fight is going to look like. But they make up and all is well. For now.
J.P. realizes he has to reassure Ashley. DUH. She needs to know what’s going on his mind. Why are men slow? Luckily, her stepfather gave J.P. advice, and he said it was not to leave anything on the table. If you feel something, tell her how you feel. Good advice. Still, he went back and forth. And back and forth. But he told her entire family he’s madly in love with her. My god, J.P., you’ve gotta bring it!
Now he knows he’s done everything he can to convince Ashley he loves her. By saying he loves her? And that’s it? No, no you haven’t, bunny.
But she says this feeling she has with him is one she doesn’t have with anyone else. She doesn’t doubt his sincerity. He’s proved himself to her! Okay. I think Ashley just really really wants this to work.
Next, J.P. gives her something he wrote for her. It’s a little journal with their favorite photo together. Good start! He writes about how they’ll love each other forever and it’s super mushy and it’s perfect. If it’s me and you we’ll fill up the rest of it, he tells her. She’s completely infatuated with him. Oh yeah, J.P. — this is yours to lose at this point.
J.P. must leave Ashley and walk alone, thinking about things so a camera crew can plug in a voice over. She can only love one of them — its going to be heartbreak all over again if she chooses Ben. He’ll walk away with love or walk away with nothing. Well, that’s one way to look at it. I’d say you also got some really awesome vacations and frequent flyer miles, but that’s just me.
She’s feeling good about her relationship with JP. She feels safe with him! He’ll never let her fall! God, she needs a new script. But things are easy with Ben. She can be herself. Ben is everything – a friend, a lover, she feels she’s known Ben forever. Yeah, buddy description.
Ben picks his ring with Neil Lane. He picks a forever ring. He hopes she’ll wear it for the rest of her life. I’d get used to giving that back, Ben.
J.P. picks his ring. He’s accepted he could get his heart broken. Ben’s still nattering on. He thinks this has been the best experience of his life. He’s found a wonderful woman. Oh, Ben.
Ashley tries on her pretty dress and thinks deep thoughts while waiting for the first bachelor. She can’t understand why this is so hard! She’s about to break someone’s heart… and yes, it’s Ben’s.
I can’t say I’m surprised. Ben’s great, don’t get me wrong. But he’s not J.P.
Ben is like a baby deer walking into traffic. He talks about their playful little spirit. He can’t believe he’s part of a fairy tale! Oh, but Ben, you’re the sad ending fairy tale. Poor bunny.
He’s thinking of his dad. His dad would be so proud of him. She’s a new addition to the family after losing his dad. Oh, man. This sucks.
She’s clearly pulling back, but Ben doesn’t see it.
She starts the break-up conversation, and he cuts her off. He tells her that every second he spends with her makes him feel more in love with her. He loves her so much. He gets down on bended knee. He takes a big breath. He asks her to marry him and make him the happiest man on earth.
She makes her sad face. She takes his hands. And starts crying. Man, this IS hard. I wouldn’t want to do this, either.
Ben didn’t see it coming. She wants him to know this is the hardest thing she’s done in Fiji. And she wants him to know it’s not easy! Well, okay, I’m sure that helps not at all.
He says, that’s it, right? Well, yes. But Ashley keeps talking. She cares about him so much! Ashley, I know you feel bad, but let the guy go lick his wounds.
He walks off. Seriously, what does she expect? She wants to talk things through! Aagh!
He tells her it took a lot for him to tell her he loves her. He tells her he’s in utter shock. He’s in disbelief. He tells her good things don’t end unless they end badly. She can’t believe he believes that, but he does. He’s sure she’ll have a nice life with J.P.
Ben is completely shut down. And I can’t blame him. I think he was shut down prior to this anyway. Ben is taking this about as gracefully as he could, but you can tell he’s mad.
He doesn’t know what the f— just happened, Ben says. Oh yeah, he’s pissed. He was vulnerable with her! He got down on one knee and proposed — how could he be holding anything back? I don’t think that’s the point. I think she’s just hot for J.P. Let’s face it; he is, in fact, dreamy.
Ben says J.P. was the safer bet, and Ashley went safe. How is J.P. safe? Ben thought he was in love. Maybe he was wrong about that, too. There were no hints. I’d say that “little playful moments” thing was a big clue, but oh well.
Ashley cries. She hates that she just did that. She feels awful.
Enough with the sadness! Time for J.P.!
She’s afraid he could break her heart. Yeah, not likely.
Ashley waits with the final red rose. She smiles at J.P. They hold hands.
He remembers getting out of the limo like it was yesterday! And it almost was, I mean, come on, two months. He tells her his cards are on the table. He’s afraid she’ll break his heart. Just propose, J.P.! But he’s going to take a leap of faith. He has to overcome his fear. Come on!
This time with Ashley has been the happiest of his life. He smiles because of Ashley. He’s madly in love with her. He loves everything about her.
Ashley tells him she’s been wanting to tell him how much she loves him for the longest time. Big, movie style kiss. He’s so in love with her, she’s the one, she’s it. And now, finally, he gets on bended knee.
He asks her to marry him and, of course, she says yes. Sigh! Big kiss! Big push back to show them on the beach, kissing. And the drippy 80s music starts! What song is this? REO Speedwagon, maybe? Ack! Well, we’re doing a drippy montage of their happiest moments, so I guess a goopy song makes sense. Way to ruin a sincerely romantic moment, ABC!
Ashley gives him the last rose. She calls him baby. More kissing. Okay, I’m starting to feel like they need some privacy. But I will say, good choice, Ashley, even if he does seem a little possessive and have some anger management issues!
Do you think Ashley made the right choice? Do you feel that Ben was in shock or was he a little rough on Ashley? Do you think these two crazy kids will go the distance?