So, in two hours one unlucky celebrity and one pro dancer will be going home, kissing the mirror ball and a weekly paycheck good-bye. But how will we ever fill up two whole hours when it only takes about a minute to announce a name? Have no fear, ABC is here! With lots and lots of filler! Plus Pitbull and Justin Bieber, so at least there will be music and possibly dancing.
First, we hear from celebrity fans. Sarah Palin said the season is extremely competitive! She is so proud of Bristol! Okay, well, that’s about what I’d expect her to say, really.
Next, a chat between Tom and Bristol! So, this is why we’re spending two hours — talking. How is it working with Mark Ballas, Bristol? Wait, let’s go to a package! He gives her a little lecture on giving her ass a brain. Seriously. He knew there were cameras there, right?
Next, we go to yet another clip package, this one about Kelly and Val. She doesn’t know what she’s doing! So, why is she back? She’s been missing the fire of the show. But the good part is when we cut back to the package and learn that Val not only doesn’t know what “General Hospital” is, he shrugs and tells Kelly, by way of explanation, “I’m half your age, I do not know these things.” He claims this is flirting. I wonder if slapping is flirting, because Kelly should SO slap him. He then tells Tom that they’re bringing the vintage car out of the garage. KILL HIM, KELLY. You’re not that cute, Val.
Pamela Anderson loves dance. She doesn’t want to go home! But she admits she’s been traveling a lot and not working very hard. That doesn’t matter, though! She wants to be on Broadway! Good choice, because you can get a little (or lot) older on Broadway and no one notices.
Okay, now we pull the celebrities together in clumps to learn new things about them. I’m going to try to wrap this up as quickly as possible, because there’s really nothing new or interesting here except for a few, rare items. Joey wants to win. Drew likes Anna. Apolo likes competition.
Oh, but this is a funny package clip. Helio had to teach Chelsie that Brazilians speak Portugeuse. She did not know that! Yeah, it’s like how people in South America speak Spanish, but aren’ t from Spain. WHAT? Chelsie flaps her gums. She didn’t know that! She tries to explain to Tom that she mixed up South America with North America. Tom tells her to stop digging herself a deeper hole.
From what I can tell, Melissa is kinda boring. Gilles says “DWTS” let him live the dream of being a real actor on “Brothers & Sisters” and now on “Switched at Birth.”
Quick break from packages. The judges showed up, so might as well make them work a little. Len tells us that he thinks the judging last night was fair. And he wants to see Emmitt dance again.
Then, back to chattering and packages. Emmitt didn’t want to be the winner who said no to the All-Star season. Well, given that there’s only three other winners on the show, he didn’t have to worry about being the only one to take a pass. Derek thinks it’s funny that Shawn is so short. Shawn does not seem so amused by this, as Derek turns it into a running gag. Anyway, she went on the all-star season because she needed a goal. Sabrina Bryan is doing it for the fans. Really? Are there fans of “Cheetah Girls” out there?
Maks thinks Kirstie is the best partner he’s ever had and he loves her very much. Either this is a play for votes or this is a play for votes with a little dribble of sincerity behind it.
Before he performed yesterday, Joey informed the camera that he didn’t know whether to throw up, pee, fart or puke. Um, yuck.
Hey, it’s only been an hour of fun and games, but finally we’re going to put some people on the block! Joey & Kym, Shawn & Derek, Apolo & Karina, and Bristol & Mark are on the block.
The first safe is Shawn. Apolo is safe. Bristol is in danger. Joey is safe. I’m pretty sure Bristol isn’t really in danger — she’s just a red herring. Not literally. She can see Russia from her mom’s house, but that does not make her red, people! But seriously, she has such a strong fan base, I doubt very much she’s in the bottom.
Pitbull rocks out with “Don’t Stop the Party.” His new album, “Global Warming,” will be released in November. This isn’t my favorite Pitbull song, but it’s fine. If you’ve had a fifth of vodka and you’re dancing at some overpriced nightclub, this will do nicely.
More eliminations, again spread out with lots of chatter and packages and time wasting. Helio & Chelsea are safe. Kelly & Val are safe. Drew & Anna are… in jeopardy. Yeah, um, not really buying that, either. I mean, it’s more dramatic to think a former winner is in danger. You know that’s what the producers are want you to think.
Another group faces execution. Sabrina admits there was no taming her last night. Gilles is a happy guy. Emmitt is working extremely hard. Okay, okay, okay. Emmitt & Sheryl are safe. Gilles & Peta are safe. Sabrina & Louis are… safe? What, Brooke? Tom corrects Brooke, but the damage is done. Sabrina and Louis are not safe, wait, they’re safe. Oh, come on! Anyway, Brooke screwed up. Poor Brooke.
Justin Bieber performs “As Long As You Love Me.” Against a wall of shiny dancers. Honestly, the wall of dancers is a little disconcerting. Oh, now he has normal back-up dancers. You’ve heard this song, so if you liked it before, you probably will continue to like it. If you didn’t, use your remotes.
The next all star couple coming back next week is… Kirstie & Maks. Melissa & Tony are… safe. That leaves Pamela & Tristan, who are probably going home. Well, that will give her more time for Broadway, I guess.
So, our bottom three is Bristol & Mark, Pamela & Tristan and Drew & Anna. Yeah, I bet even Pamela is packing her bags. It’s a shame, as I think she screwed up pretty badly this week, but she had potential. Still, this is going to be a tough season, so she shouldn’t feel too sad.
Okay, now we’re in the final FINAL elimination. You know, the part that only takes about two minutes. Bristol & Mark are safe. And so, who’s going home? Pamela & Tristan. Waah-waah. Yeah, kinda figured.
Pamela tells us she was ready for it, but she and Tristan will keep dancing. It doesn’t end here! They’ll be back later in the season, and Tom wishes her well on Broadway.
Did you think the right couple got booted? Who do you think will go next week? What did you think of Pitbull and Justin Bieber?