Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – ‘New Tricks’

Tonight we have a super-sized “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” which you’d think means that something Very Exciting and Possibly Scandalous is going to happen, but not really. In short, Kim moves, Sheree dumps all over Phaedra, and Peter dumps all over Cynthia. So, business as usual in Atlanta!

First off, we resolve the simmering dispute from last week. Phaedra and Sheree have a sit-down to discuss what happened in court. Sheree doesn’t feel so good after the hearing. Phaedra thought it went very well. Sheree doesn’t know if it’s worth pursuing the case, as she may only make a couple hundred dollars at the end of the day. You just thought of this, Sheree? Moving on, Phaedra doesn’t think it’s cool that Sheree inferred she was a crap attorney to Kandi. Sheree doesn’t apologize, though. Instead, they start bickering about when Phaedra asked for a retainer and when Sheree actually paid it. Finally, Phaedra suggests that maybe they shouldn’t work together. Sheree agrees. This working together thing could ruin their friendship! Phaedra gives the retainer check back to Sheree. Sheree’s so relieved, because she had no idea how she was going to fire her. Oh my Lord, Sheree is STUPID. Doesn’t she realize that Phaedra tossing a motion at Bob was only going to further delay things? Which is exactly what they didn’t want to do? Sheree will now probably get a more expensive attorney who will do exactly what Phaedra would have done, and the new attorney probably won’t tell her she looks like an angel in her flowing white dress, either.

Kim is planning the baby’s room to be a big surprise for Kroy. Because men love baby rooms. Yes, every man I know fantasizes about where his son is going to sleep and poop. It’s a guy thing. Anyway, interior designer Kendra is overwhelmed by the task at hand, which is decorating Kim’s 17,000 square foot house in a week. And it has to be perfect. I hope Kim realizes that for the next five or so years she’s going to be finding weird boxes stuck into spare rooms and odd closets because NO ONE can put together a house this quickly without cutting corners. But good luck with that, Kim!

Cynthia is at the Chic Art Gallery, which has a lot of crappy looking stuff which can only be considered art in that it’s for sale and there may be blind, rich people who might be in the market for something to put next to the sofa they also can’t see. Cynthia has made it her mission to bring more New York class to Atlanta, and I hope she’s starting at this horrible gallery. She’s invited the girls, so Sheree, NeNe, Phaedra and Kandi are there. Marlo is also attending, which is a Big Deal to Cynthia. Marlo is a very important person! Who may or may not sleep with men for money!

As you might recall, Kandi grilled Marlo on her Internet talk show about where she got her money (Marlo’s answer was some claptrap about God sending it down to her, possibly via a bolt of lightning). So, Kandi sees an opportunity to… grill her again about where she got her money. Marlo finally admits that wealthy men gave her monthly allowances, and she invested well. So, God was involved in this how? Actually, I don’t want to know her answer to this one.

Cynthia and Peter are selected by celebrity photographer Drexina to do a power couple photo shoot for Drexina’s new website. It’s the perfect promotional opportunity for them both! They are, after all, a power couple! Cynthia is SO excited to show Peter the invitation to her model agency opening because she did it ALL by HERSELF like a big girl! Peter says it’s very nice but useless, as she’ll never get it into the mail in time for it to get to anyone before the big event. Cynthia is horrified, so Peter decides to rub it in a little, because that always helps. Still, Cynthia needs help and she’s stuck in a make-up chair, so she asks Peter to call her sister. Peter initially refuses, then, realizing he’s being filmed and he’s looking like a candidate for the world’s worst husband award, changes his mind and leaves Malorie a message.

Later, we learn that Peter is just trying to teach Cynthia to learn from her mistakes. Okay, I get that. But Cynthia is also learning that her husband is kind of a jackass, so he may want to reconsider the tough love angle.

Kim’s moving into her dream house, and the movers are breaking stuff and it’s absolutely killing her. Her desk is her baby, so they’d better be gentle! Her actual baby is crying, but this just seems to annoy Kim. Doesn’t K.J. realize she needs to supervise this very important move of really expensive and insanely gauche furniture from one place to another? She’s driving her wigs over to the house separately. They’re also her babies. No movers are touching her babies! Kim isn’t materialistic at ALL!

NeNe gives her son Bryson a lecture on safe sex. This is just as disturbing as you might expect.

Kandi talks to her manager, Don Juan, about her career. No more helping her friends, says Don Juan. In other words, no more Kim singles. That’s just fine by Kandi, thank God. She wants to work on country music. She wants to be on the cover of Maxim. To her, that means she’s made it, and that means she’s hot. I think she should just focus on country music.

Kim and Kroy descend on their dream house, which looks like a gold-dipped bordello. Because Kim is the queen of subtlety and humility, there are glamor shots of her everywhere. K.J.’s baby room looks like a Z Gallerie threw up in it. Kim even has her glamor shots in the KIDS’ rooms. But it’s all good, because Kim loves the house.

Oh my Lord of the Rings. Kim has Brielle hold the steering wheel while she BREAST PUMPS. Can you get a ticket for this? Because someone really needs to give her a moving violation. This is so much worse than texting while driving for so, so many reasons. Someday, Brielle will be relating this story to her therapist or a Social Services worker.

JoDee Messina Skypes Kandi and Kandi’s writing partner Lil’ Roni. Lil’ Roni is important, because he’s crossed over into country music from R&B. Kandi nervously performs a little bit of what she’s been working on for JoDee, but JoDee doesn’t want traditional country. It’s fine, though, because Kandi’s going to visit  JoDee’s house later in the week to jam out some ideas. Kandi wants to be the Venus and Serena of country. Sometimes it’s a little jarring to follow Kandi’s storylines, because she 1) actually has a creative career and 2) actually has talent. Maybe she and Phaedra can get their own spin-off or something.

Cynthia is getting her make-up done in preparation for her party. You know, the one no one received an invitation to.  Malorie comes to see her, and Cynthia is worried. She’s going to be late! No one RSVPed! Except Kim and NeNe are coming, and they might fight! The CD player isn’t working and no one’s there! Aaack! Cynthia cries and she JUST got her make-up done. The make-up artist Kelvin blots her, then tries to talk her out of her tree because he wants her to be confident and he really, really doesn’t want to have to keep fixing her concealer. Malorie wants her to calm down, too. Cynthia would cry on Peter’s shoulder, but he’d probably push her into the driveway with her hair half done, screaming at her that she needs to grow up.

By the time Cynthia arrives at her party, though, there are a ton of people there sucking down white wine. Malorie quickly gets into the mix so that she can tell everyone that Peter didn’t help out and she had to mop floors and Cynthia married a jackass. The only thing I’ll say in Peter’s defense is that he has said since the beginning he has no desire to help out and he wants Cynthia to be a big girl and do everything on her own. And thus ends my defense of Peter, because beyond that he’s pretty much being a jerk.

Since everything’s fine at Cynthia’s party, it’s time to focus on the real problem — Kim and NeNe being in the same room for the first time since Cynthia and Peter’s wedding. Oh, and Sheree arrives and doesn’t understand why the A/C doesn’t work. Wasn’t this the problem at Bar One as well? Or is Sheree having hot flashes? She does seem to be the only one who has a problem with this. Anyway, Kim arrives hoping that she doesn’t see MussoNeNe. But of course she does. And what happens? They ignore each other. Wow, that’s dramatic.

I guess everyone was really waiting for a big fight, though, so Marlo and Kandi step up to accommodate. Marlo has had time to get angry with Kandi about that interview (and, I’m guessing, the fact that Kandi got her to confess to being a mattress back for rich guys on national TV). She sniffs to Kandi that at least she didn’t get money from a Big Poppa! And by the way, she heard that Kandi was a Big Momma! Kim does not like all the Big Poppa references, which NeNe finds hysterical. To her credit, Kim decides to leave and drags herself and Kroy out the door.

Time for an announcement! Cynthia is going to address the crowd. She wants to thank her sister, her mother and her husband. Who is nowhere to be seen. Paging Peter Thomas! Hello? Peter? Phaedra wonders if Peter is jealous. I’m with Phaedra. Peter may not want to help Cynthia with her agency, but he owes it to her to not be a jealous little baby who can’t have her back. Cynthia is sad. I think Cynthia is realizing, for all the times she almost made it down the aisle and backed out, she took the leap with the wrong person after all.

Next week, Marlo has drinks with NeNe. Peter tells Cynthia he doesn’t like to say good-bye, and if she needs someone to stand by her side, she needs to find someone else. I am hoping Cynthia got a pre-nup. Power couple my ass.

Do you think Peter should have been more supportive? Do you think Kandi should have grilled Marlo on her chat show? And what did you think of Kim’s dream house?