Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘A Book, a Bachelorette and a Breakdown’

I hope everyone has recovered from last week’s wholly uncomfortable Taylor trainwreck last week. I was thinking we might kick off this week with a limo drive through the gates of a mental institution or maybe a shelter for battered women, but no such luck. Instead, we will start the way all deep emotional healing in Beverly Hills begins — at lunch.

Lisa has a nice, relaxing meal of appetizers planned for Skeletor, I mean Taylor. Taylor, who is so thrilled that Lisa is now friends with her, seems completely oblivious to the look of horror and pity tattooed all over Lisa’s face. She wants to tell Lisa all about ruining Brandi’s Malibu beach party, but she can’t remember a thing! She was blotto! Taylor isn’t wearing eye make-up OR false eyelashes, so Lisa knows this is a cry for help. Taylor doesn’t want help, though — she wants to bitch about Camille. She’s not her true friend! She felt so betrayed! Um, Taylor, Camille is not your problem. Anyway, Lisa is going to be taking Taylor to Las Vegas for Pandora’s bachelorette party, as Kyle can’t make it. Taylor deserves some fun, Lisa thinks. Yes, it’s a grand idea to take someone who has just confessed to being blackout drunk to Las Vegas. That always ends well!

Camille and Dedra drink white wine to blot out their memories of Brandi’s beach party. But then Brandi drops by! Well, maybe they can drink for other reasons, because this is a grand opportunity to talk about what a nutcase Taylor is. Brandi thinks Taylor behaved like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist,” though she doesn’t know the name of the actress or the movie and just refers to it as “the one with the girl whose head spun around.” Yes, Brandi is quite the conversationalist. The important nugget of information in this scene is not that Brandi would probably suck at a game of charades, but that Adrienne has invited Camille, Kim, Brandi and Dani to have a fun girls’ weekend at the Palms on the same weekend Lisa and Taylor will be in Las Vegas for Pandora’s party. Yes, Adrienne is determined to get her fair share of free publicity even if it involves putting up with Dana, which is quite something.

But before she can head off to Vegas, Adrienne and Paul are going to be appearing on “The Doctors.” Paul did not eat breakfast and coerces some stagehand into fetching him some desserts. Then on the show, Paul prattles on about how multiple small meals are the key to staying healthy when you have a busy lifestyle. Meals like pastries and chocolate cake lollipops? I’m glad Paul is a plastic surgeon and not, say, a cardiologist.  

Just as Adrienne has business to take care of before Vegas, so does Lisa. And it involves shopping, which is so much more important than silly TV appearances. Lisa and Pandora shop for bridal gowns, and Lisa loves them all. But Pandora wants more diamonds and tacky pink roses splattered all over her dress. Lisa is fine with anything her little Pandy wants. Meanwhile, Giggy is either bored or dying on the coach at the bridal gown store. If he is dying, it may be from the embarrassment of wearing baby blue footie pajamas in public, poor thing. 

The girls, divided into two separate teams, arrive in Vegas. Except for Kim. Kim is still moving. She hurt her neck! It’s so hard! She just has so many boxes! Adrienne nods and makes sympathetic noises, then promptly hangs up the phone and suggests Kim is a big, stinking liar. I’m with Adrienne. Kim should just confess that she’s become agoraphobic or Ken has locked her in the basement or something, because we see about as much of her has Charlie on “Charlie’s Angels.”

In a side-by-side comparison of the insane luxury suits everyone gets, I give the advantage to the Hard Rock. The Palms just looks junky, sorry Adrienne. Lisa makes Taylor drink tea and tells her that someday she’ll be horribly depressed that her little girl is all grown up. Yes, that Lisa sure knows how to cheer up a crazy woman! 

Back in Beverly Hills, Kyle is writing a book — but they’re already shooting the cover. Because we know the cover will be better than anything printed inside the damn thing. Kyle is so exhausted from writing all night! Sometimes she’s writing at 2, 3 in the morning! It’s fun, but it’s A LOT of pressure. Shut up, Kyle. Still, this photo shoot is VERY important to Kyle, and she wants her sister to be by her side so she can gloat about how fabulous she is and maybe whisper that she should have been cast as the girl in “Return to Witch Mountain,” so there. But, oddly enough, Kim isn’t answering her phone. Kyle is so frustrated! She feels that this is a terrible step back in their bonding relationship! Plus she was going to make Kim hold her robe and slippers during the fashion shoot!

Back to Vegas. What follows is basically cutting back and forth between Taylor and Lisa and Adrienne’s gaggle of gals to determine who’s having the more fabulous time. I would say any group that doesn’t include Dana is probably having more fun. She has to tell everyone at the table with her that she’s wearing a necklace made of 125 carats of perfect diamonds! And it’s a friggin’ lollipop holder. It’s for sale for a million dollars! Ah, so Dana is just plugging stuff for a kickback. That’s why she’s so annoying!

But Dana is drowned out once Adrienne invites them into the kingpin suite, which has its own bowling alley. How fun! If anyone had worn flats! Anyway, the girls bowl. In high heels. And, in Brandi’s case, a boot. This would be an excellent way for Brandi to break her other foot.  Camille thinks Brandi is fun to be around, and we will soon learn exactly what that means, but I won’t spoil the surprise for you. 

Time to visit Lisa and Taylor. Lisa wants everyone to know it’s Taylor’s birthday! Lisa is trying so hard to cheer up Taylor it’s almost painful to watch, but Taylor does seem happier — her lip injections are smiling. Meanwhile, Pandora’s friends all look a little miserable to be stuck with two old bags who are stealing all their thunder, but let’s face it, this is Lisa’s big day, not Pandy’s. 

Back at the Palms, it’s girls night out! So, Adrienne and her tiny gaggle of friends bump and grind in a very small, exclusive spot on the dance floor where actual men can’t get to them. Then, Brandi and Camille grind against one another. Brandi puts her hands on Camille’s hips, and it starts looking like the opening scene in a Skinemax movie. No wonder Camille likes Brandi. From the way Camille tells it, Brandi may be more masculine than Kelsey Grammer anyway. 

Meanwhile, Lisa, Pandora and Taylor are dragged onto the stage at Chippendales to engage in a fake “Dating Game” type contest in which they must give some mostly undressed guy a lap dance. Pandora, realizing her mother is watching, wiggles cheerfully and quickly sits down. Lisa, however, rubs her butt in some guy’s face and loses all of her English reserve.Taylor sort of hops up and down, so Lisa is named the winner. After spending much of the evening moaning about being the mother of the bride and how she didn’t want to see sex toys or have any kind of bachelorette behavior inflicted on her, Lisa finally unleashes her inner skank and seems quite happy about it.  

Kyle, who is preparing to host a white party, goes to Kathy Hilton’s consignment store with Estella. Family plug! Estella picks out a dress that’s painfully ’80s, and after arranging to purchase said dress, Kyle walks outside of the store — and bumps into Kim! Kyle drags her back into the store like a prize turkey, even though Kim doesn’t want to see Estella for some random reason.  But none of that matters, because Kyle wants To Talk.

I thought this might be a case of Kyle lecturing Kim about being the world’s crappiest sister, but instead it turns into a tearful flip-out by Kim before Kyle’s said boo. Kim tells Kyle that her daughters Brooke and Kimberly are taking the move hard. Kim cries. Her daughters don’t like her boyfriend Ken. Why can’t everybody be happy for her? She can’t eat! She’s been alone 18 years. She’s tired of being alone. Maybe Kyle can help her talk to her kids? She sobs. Kim crumples up like a snotty Kleenex. Kyle, who must be getting pretty good at handling lunatics between her sister and Taylor, tries to comfort Kim. She worries that Kim isn’t eating (she’s not). We now have two Skeletors on the show, fabulous. I guess it’s probably a good thing we haven’t seen much of Kim, because Kim is holding things together with spit and elementary school paste, and I’m not sure turning a camera on the whole mess would have helped. But I think we can come to one conclusion – she needs to hire movers. 

Oh my Lord of the Rings — next week, Kyle has her white party — and apparently has to uninvited Russell. AS HE SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR. WITH TAYLOR. So brace yourself for yet another uncomfortable episode of “RHoBH”!

Do you think Kim’s boyfriend is a bad influence? Which do you think was better — Adrienne’s party or Lisa’s party? Do you think Taylor really can’t remember Brandi’s party?