I guess we’re supposed to get excited about the big engagement party Mohammed is throwing for Pandora, Lisa’s daughter, but really, I couldn’t care less. I’m sure Pandora is a lovely girl, but she and her fiance Jason seem about as exciting as unbuttered toast or small California avocados, lacking any of Lisa’s wry humor or Ken’s veddy British eccentricity. They don’t even have a small dog that they dress in ridiculous little outfits, so really, I just can’t be bothered. I’d much rather see what our crazy ass housewives are up to, which is usually no good. We can only hope for a catfight breaking out next to the camels and bellydancers at Mohammed’s, I suppose.
Lisa, being a Very Busy Businesswoman, is a multi-tasker. Or she is for the purposes of this TV series, as it’s so much more fun to watch someone making phone calls in a convertible rather than hunkered over a kitchen table. So Lisa calls Kyle to confirm that she’ll be attending Pandora’s engagement party — and to cackle over the fact Adrienne washed a chicken with hand soap. Okay, that was weird, but a little sad, too, and I wish Lisa and Kyle wouldn’t act as if they’d found Adrienne walking around her house with her feet in Kleenex boxes while brushing her teeth with Purell or something.
But no time for gossip (okay, just a little, but then right on to business). Lisa calls Taylor to remind her about Pandora’s party — and respectfully ask her to leave her nightmare husband Russell at home, as Mohammed can’t stand the guy. Apparently there was some business deal gone wrong or Russell just creeped him out, who knows. Either one is entirely understandable.
We leave Lisa to swerve through traffic while Taylor goes to Rosebud Cakes with Dana. Taylor is planning Kennedy’s fifth birthday party! Oh, oh no. I remember Kennedy’s fourth birthday party, don’t you? Everyone had fun except Kennedy, who curled up in the nanny’s lap and sucked her thumb. Because the party had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. And was big. And scary. And did not actually include a lot of children. But Taylor promises that she’s changed. Possibly because someone called Social Services, but sure, she’s changed.
She’s doing a ranch-themed birthday party which will, theoretically, appeal to Kennedy. There will be lots and lots of animals. And lots and lots of people, specifically 200 people. Who has 200 people at a kiddy birthday party? Why doesn’t Taylor just rent a bounce house and plop it in Griffith Park like everyone else? Because. as we well know, that’s about all she and Russell can actually afford. But no, Taylor is picking out a big, expensive cake for Kennedy’s birthday. But wait! Kennedy picked out the cake! It’s a horse, but it’s a girly, Cinderella-looking horse, which hurts Taylor’s heart because it’s not fitting THE THEME. But she loves her daughter, sort of, so Kennedy will get her cake. Her $2,000 cake. That better be some damn tasty cake.
Taylor realizes people think she needs to apologize for Kennedy’s fourth birthday debacle. Which she doesn’t. And I really don’t see how she thinks a big-ass party for 200 people is going to be any less overwhelming and scary this year, but whoever said a kid’s birthday party is actually for the kid? Pshaw!
Kyle and her mother-in-law Estella and her sister-in-law Sharon go to see a plastic surgeon, because Estella wants a face lift. How convenient that Estella’s doctor is Paul, Adrienne’s husband! Estella merrily gets an IV sunk into her arm. I’ve never seen someone so happy to be cut into pieces, but more power to her.
Oh, don’t show us surgery. And they’re showing us the surgery. At least the medical professionals are having a good time while Estella gets her lift, because I want to throw up. It looks like they’re carving a turkey. The anesthesiologist tells Paul that everyone thinks he looks like Mark Wahlberg. The funny this is, even in a surgical mask, I can see it. Of course, he could take off the mask and look like Walter Matthau, but so far, impressive. Paul agrees — and then asks his nurse to call Mark Wahlberg. He leaves a message for Marky Mark letting him know his doppelganger puts people to sleep for a living. Hey, that sounds just like Mark Wahlberg!
While I’m wondering why Paul the plastic surgeon has Marky Mark’s phone number unless maybe, oh, he’s a CLIENT and I bet he’ll be mad as hell that Paul is giving him a jingle from an operating room on a reality TV show, when Paul tells his Marky Mark-alike that he’ll set him up with Kim. Paul thinks Kim’s an insane drunk, but hey, he’s all for matchmaking. I’m also a little concerned that Paul likes to multitask in the operating room, and that he’s just fine doing it when a camera is rolling. Does this mean that when a camera crew isn’t there he’s, say, eating potato chips or clipping his toenails?
Kyle, Mauricio and Sharon go to see Estella after surgery. Kyle is disturbed, because Estella looks like a member of Slipknot. Seriously, I’ve seen horror movies that aren’t as disturbing. Kyle takes one look and flees the room. And cries. Kyle doesn’t want Estella to die! Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Yes, she looks like she was hit by a truck, but there was no actual truck involved.
Taylor is having Kyle and Mauricio over for dinner. She’s hired a fancy chef named Paul to whip up dinner. How convenient! Taylor is spending even more money that Russell doesn’t have! Kennedy doesn’t want to do as she’s told. Kennedy is a pouty, whiney little brat, but I can hardly blame her. Maybe she’s just gearing up for her hellish fifth birthday party.
Kyle and Mauricio sweep in, so happy to see Taylor and Russell. But Kyle feels confused. Taylor paints Russell to be a monster, but he’s so nice! Even with that creepy, dead-eyed look he gives people! They’re all having such a lovely time Kyle and Mauricio forget themselves and get kissy-faced at the table. Russell and Taylor stare at them, wondering what it’s like to not want to smother your spouse with a pillow while he or she is sleeping.
But forget having a pleasant evening trying to delicately extricate mussels from their shells! Russell is none too happy that Us Weekly has reported that he and Taylor are separated. Isn’t LISA good friends with the editor of Us Weekly, hint hint, nudge nudge? He gives Lisa his patented dead-fish-eye stare. Kyle squirms. She doesn’t think Lisa knew anything about the article. She doesn’t believe Lisa had anything to do with it. Hey, here’s a question. Aren’t Taylor and Russell almost separated anyway? And isn’t the nightmare of their relationship going to be public knowledge THE MINUTE THIS SEASON HITS THE AIR? Russell thinks he’s going to file a lawsuit to make Us Weekly cough up their source. Hey, Russell, you may want to save that money to keep someone from repossessing your car.
Lots of excitement as Lisa and family prepare for Pandora’s big party. Yawn. Kim calls to flake out, but she sounds surprisingly sober, which is nice. Lisa gives Pandora a necklace made out of the diamond bracelet Ken gave her when she was pregnant. Ken gives Jason a $21,700 Franck Muller watch, which is a regifting since Lisa gave it to him. At least these people recycle.
Party at Mohammed’s! With a camel. And belly dancers. It looks wildly decadent and not at all appropriate for an engagement party. I think Mohammed is hoping his sort-of goddaughter might get blotto, loosen her veddy British inhibitions after seeing the sexy belly dancers, then trot off with him to his secret bedroom. Well, a man can dream, I guess.
Taylor arrives and nearly leaps out of her skin when she sees the belly dancers. She is terrified of snakes. And yet, she married one. How weird is that?
Oh, goody. There’s a creepy mermaid by the pool, which is really a woman with fins flapping around while she makes creepy-sexy faces and tells us she’s swimming. Yeah, tons of money does not buy good taste.
Taylor and Lisa stand uncomfortably with one another and look for anyone else to talk to. Taylor knows she needs to ask Lisa about the Us Weekly article, but now is not the time. Maybe there will be another party where Taylor can shriek and cry while Lisa blinks at her in utter confusion. Ooh, maybe we’ll have another Game Night!
Mohammed hired a guy to do spray tattoos. They look horrible, as if guests have been tagged by graffiti artists working over the 101 Freeway. Oh, Mohammed, you should have stopped with the camel.
The housewives meet a woman so crazy she makes them look relatively sane in comparison. She calls her husband Daddy. Don’t THEY call their husbands Daddy? Um, no. But the crazy woman can’t let it go. OF COURSE you do! Maybe this woman thinks she’s talking to The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Taylor can’t believe this nutjob was allowed into the party but not Russell. I can.
Kim is at dinner with her somewhat thuggish-looking boyfriend Ken. They’ve been dating for a year, but she hasn’t told Kyle. In fact, she’s been keeping Ken tucked away like a dirty little secret, not unlike alcohol or what she looks like without false eyelashes. She says she hasn’t let him meet her family because her family doesn’t like anyone she dates. Ken nods patiently, but why he does I don’t know. Kim isn’t sixteen, for crying out loud. Ken should take this as an enormous red flag and run willy nilly, but he doesn’t. Just wait until you find the vodka bottle collection, Ken! Then you can run willy nilly!
Kim really doesn’t know what she was missing at Pandora’s engagement party, as Kyle has so much fun watching professional dancers go all Cirque de Soleil on a table she decides to dance, too. Even though this is not really an interactive performance and Kyle is not really a professional dancer. Still, Kyle dances on the table. She does a split. In a ball gown. While wearing Spanx. Oh, oh Kyle. Then, not to be outdone, Taylor dances. Finally, Camille joins in, possibly because she thinks it’s required in her contract. Lisa, the only housewife who has apparently not lost her mind, just watches and laughs. Narcissists are funny!
Next week, it seems Kim drags Ken out of the closet and Kyle cries about it. As long as they don’t get into a limo, everything should be fine.
What did you think of Pandora’s party? What did you think about Kim’s big secret? And do you think Russell’s lawsuit threat is ridiculous or just savvy?