This week promises to be a humdinger (at least that’s what the promos have promised), as it looks like Taylor and Lisa are going to duke it out. I’m already inclined to think that Lisa will be the one to come out the winner, as she has that British reserve and tends not to get flustered about anything, and Taylor may be insane and in need of basic, life-sustaining nutrients. Still, no matter what happens, it should be interesting. Let’s just hope Giggy doesn’t get thrown into the middle of it. I think that little puffball might have a dark side.
We start out where we left off last week, with Kim trying to lure Kyle into her boyfriend Ken’s drug lair, I mean house, to make introductions. Beto, his “helper,” is also in the room for no particular reason. Maybe Ken was thinking of taking Kyle out if the meeting went horribly astray, which it does pretty much immediately. Kyle notices that Ken has a wedding band, and points this out with such a tone of revulsion I’m almost thinking she might throw up on Ken’s pool table. Ken, unfazed, says it’s just a promise ring given to him by Kim. Kyle leaves the room to cry. Kim hates to see Kyle cry, so she cries. Everyone cries except Ken, who thinks everything went well, and Bento, who is disappointed that he doesn’t get to kill the pretty dark-haired lady and bury her in the Angeles Forrest. In case you didn’t figure it out from Kyle hysterically sobbing in the next room, Kyle does not like Ken, as Kim’s kids have told her he’s controlling (so, um, this big “surprise” was not a surprise at all, I take it?). She thinks Kim can do better. She thinks Kim is lonely. I think Kyle thinks too much. Leave Kim alone, Kyle! She’s already moved her stuff! Or should I say “pieces.” Kim had to comment on her many “pieces” and how the movers were overwhelmed by said “pieces.” Does she mean furniture? Crates of prescription drugs? What?
Adrienne and Paul go to Crustacean, a Beverly Hills restaurant, to eat dinner in a private room. She tells the waiter she’s on the vegetarian side, which is why they went to a seafood restaurant, I guess. It’s Paul’s birthday, so he wants to make Adrienne eat something she doesn’t want to eat. Adrienne would just like to order her own damn foes. Adrienne thinks marriage is difficult. I think marriage to Paul is probably difficult. Just as things are about to get interesting with the Bickersons, Adrienne changes the topic to the Topic of the Week. She is concerned about Taylor. Taylor has hinted at the fact Russell has smacked her around. Adrienne wants to be there for Taylor, but she can’t grasp why Taylor’s staying with a guy who beats her, if he really is beating her. Paul thinks Taylor’s making stuff up. Way to be evolved, Paul. Go force your wife to eat a shelled crab or something.
Meanwhile, Kyle talks to her husband Mauricio about Ken, the other Topic of the Week. This isn’t Kyle’s vision for Kim! Kyle wanted Kim to move closer, meet a nice boy, get married! For crying out loud, Kim’s in the Valley, not Seattle. Kyle reveals that her mother used to ignore Kim and Kyle’s teenage boyfriends when she didn’t like them, so Kyle figures she should do the same with Ken. Really? This tends not to be effective with adults. I don’t think it works so well on teenagers, either. But it’s sure to make Kim insane, which is really the point.
Taylor is the chief creative director for Beauty Ticket and has been nominated for a Women Making A Difference award from the Los Angeles Business Journal, which entails going to a rubber chicken luncheon at a hotel in Century City. Camille, Adrienne and Dana are there, Kyle is late, and Lisa is not invited. Taylor only wants to be surrounded by friends. She considers Dana more of a friend than Lisa? She might as well have invited some pet turtles and a packet of looseleaf binder paper. But Taylor will soon be sorry for dissing Lisa this way, as she happens to call Kyle who accidentally spills the beans about the luncheon.
The philanthropist of the year… is not Taylor. Taylor didn’t expect to win, but she was so glad to share the moment of losing with people she loves. Adrienne thinks Taylor not inviting Lisa is passive aggressive. Ding, ding, ding! Kyle thinks Taylor and Lisa need to talk, but Dana tells Taylor she did the right thing by overlooking Lisa. Does Dana have a wind up key in the back, or do you think she’s battery operated?
As luck would have it, Lisa is having a nice British tea for her lady friends the next day — even Taylor. Lisa tells the maid to only come in to serve the tea and if she hears her screaming. The maid thinks Lisa is kidding. She’s not. I suspect the maid may never get back to the kitchen.
A variety of little cakes and sandwiches and delicious things are put out on the table, and Lisa puts Giggy in his PRAM (yes, his little baby carriage) so Ken can escort the diseased ball of fur to the tennis court. Still, this looks so nice I want to go to tea at Lisa’s house, even if Giggy eats off my plate. Which I’m sure would happen.
Everyone arrives except for Taylor. Lisa tells Camille she’s sorry Kelsey is an ass, and Camille is grateful for the support. No further information on Kelsey’s assishness, but I’m a little grateful for that as I might want to start watching “Boss” someday.
Lisa tells everyone that Russell sent her another email, this one including a clip of an article about Taylor’s shrinking body. Camille got it, too. No one seems very eager to discuss this, but I think we can all assume that Russell has lost his mind and Lisa better make sure she wears body armor when she leaves the house.
Finally, Taylor arrives and makes grim, wooden niceties in Lisa’s direction. After Lisa calls Kim to confirm that she couldn’t possibly come because she’s MOOOOVING (and we are treated to a pretty dead on Kim impression by Lisa), Lisa decides to cut to the chase and ask Taylor why she wasn’t invited to the luncheon. And so it begins!
Everyone squirms, and Taylor tries to sidestep the issue. Lisa isn’t having it. She’s always invited Taylor to events, so why the diss? Taylor promptly begins freaking the hell out. Let’s see if we can suss out the major, mostly delusional points Taylor tried to make:
* She has bent over backwards to be kind to Lisa! (Um, okay)
* Lisa has treated her so poorly it’s EMBARRASSING! (Not that we’ve seen. Were the cameras not rolling when Lisa put a lit paper bag of Giggy’s poo on Taylor’s doorstep?)
* Lisa’s told people she doesn’t have friends!
Okay, that last one’s clearly crap. As we all know, Lisa made the point that Taylor isn’t friends with Camille, which Kyle points out. Camille confirms this. You would think Taylor, having been corrected on her cray-cray, would shut up now. But Taylor is not shutting up. SHE’S FOUND HER VOICE AND SHE’S GOING TO USE IT! And so it goes on:
* Stop talking about me behind my back! It is breaking my heart! (except she isn’t, at least not any more than anyone else)
* If you can’t be my friend, please don’t be my enemy! (she offered to let Taylor live with her; I’m thinking that’s not so it will be easier to smother Taylor in her sleep)
Lisa very calmly tries to explain herself (which is mostly yelled over by an increasingly wild-eyed Taylor) and apologizes when she really shouldn’t have to. Mostly she’s looking at Taylor like she’s lost her mind. Which she has. Taylor gets up to leave. She feels judged! She can’t live like this anymore! Hey, Taylor? This is the conversation you’re supposed to have with your crazy, abusive husband. Just a thought.
The other girls tsk-tsk and Adrienne tries to clarify things by not clarifying anything at all. Camille looks like she’s getting increasingly ticked off with Taylor, however. Camille felt Taylor was going in for the kill, and when Taylor suddenly stops playing victim and starts ranting about how everyone talks about Lisa behind her back and thinks she has a giant ego, I’m inclined to agree with Camille.
When Kyle admits she thought Lisa had a big ego but refuses to back up the rest of Taylor’s attack, Taylor storms out. This is, of course, a terrible idea, because all the girls immediately start talking about Taylor and her crappy marriage. No one wants to say what we all know (Taylor = domestic abuse victim), so Lisa finally just says it.
Meanwhile, Taylor has bumped into Paul at the gate to Lisa’s house, where she vomits up all of her crazy on him. Everyone hates Lisa! They’re too chicken to say it! She’s the only brave girl in the world! Now excuse me, Paul, I have to go home so my husband can slug me! I will, however, give Taylor points for saying, “The Giggy is up,” which would be cuter if Taylor’s fish lips weren’t curled into a hateful sneer at the time. Taylor tells Paul she is tired of everyone not telling the truth! Oh, Taylor, you may want to take that back.
Taylor goes back into the house to tell Adrienne her husband needs her. Foolishly, she sits back down on the couch, thinking the girls have found their collective courage and want to confront Lisa. Oh, silly Taylor! They’ve moved on to Taylor’s marriage. Taylor tries to lay into them for not being honest, as she just wants everyone to be honest. That’s it for Camille. She points out that she and everyone else, including Lisa, have been protecting Taylor by not discussing the elephant in the middle of the room. And that elephant is that Russell his Taylor, has broken her jaw and is generally a bastard. I’m not quite sure why Camille is so angry, possibly because she got dragged into this whole mess, but good for her for calling Taylor on her b.s. Taylor’s misplaced anger is only serving to 1) make her look like an ass and 2) further isolate her from the people who may actually be able to help her if/when she gets it together to leave Russell (yes, we know what ultimately happens, but Taylor doesn’t, not at this point).
Tonight’s episode, of course, cuts off in the middle of the fight, so we’ll just have to wait until next week to watch Taylor’s gaping, fishlike reaction to Camille’s impromptu intervention. I’m hoping Taylor soon realizes finding her voice does not give her license to dump on anyone and everyone, especially not at such a nice little tea party. I bet Lisa had to give most of those little finger sandwiches to the dogs.
Do you think Taylor was justified in telling Lisa everyone thought she had a big ego? Do you think Camille was justified in revealing Taylor’s history of abuse? And do you think Kyle’s too rough on Ken?