Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘The Great Divide’

Before we begin this recap, some food for thought. Have you noticed that Kim’s intro makes no sense? “People try to figure me out, but I’m one of a kind.” Since when does being an individual make you inscrutable? And really, I wouldn’t say Kim’s one of a kind in any case. There are plenty of neurotic former child stars floating around Beverly Hills in a mental fog concocted from antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs. Maybe it’s time for a new intro. You know, one written in English. 

But enough about that — it’s time to get back to the Great Camille vs. Taylor Tea Party Explosion! Last week we left off with Camille bravely identifying the elephant in the middle of the room — Taylor’s domestic abuse situations with Russell. Now, we get Taylor’s reaction. Which is… no reaction at all. She stares at Camille, blinks, and watches as the former Mrs. Kelsey Grammer stomps out of the house, fully fed up with Taylor’s ridiculous insistence that everyone be just as honest and forthright as SHE is (except when it comes to  her mess of a marriage, in which she flip flops more than a dying fish). Instead of dealing with what Camille’s said, Taylor starts whining about how much she wants to be friends with Lisa, and how Lisa’s cold shoulder has made her feel like a junior high school girl who wants to be friends with the popular girl at school. I’m not sure what’s more embarrassing — Taylor acting like a crybaby tween or the fact that she’s making no excuses for her disastrous marriage.

Lisa, who is probably feeling overwhelmed by all this very American touchy feely emotion, tells Lisa she’ll be her friend, and Taylor magnanimously forgives her. For what? Someone jam a tranquilizer into a cupcake and force it down this girl’s throat, please! Taylor and Lisa hold hands and hug and talk about making friendship bracelets and having a totally awesome slumber party, like, super soon. Kyle watches in horror. She can’t believe they’re now besties. She was the one they were friends with! And now they, like, totally don’t need her! Kyle glowers. 

Back at Kim’s house, she continues to unpack. She has an ugly wire… thing that is either a ship or the Golden Gate Bridge, but in any case, she wants to hang it over the fireplace. She’s stubborn and Ken is stubborn, so she knows it won’t be easy! So Ken say, hey, try it. And he likes it. What drama! What a troubled relationship! Sorry, we’re all still thinking about Taylor and Russell, so whatever Kim’s got going on looks pretty good by comparison.

The next day, designer/friend/fill-in-the-blank Faye Resnick drops by Kyle’s place. She wants Kyle to pick out colors for the house, but Kyle can’t. The tea party was too intense! How can she think about color when her world’s been turned upside down? It’s just fabric samples, Kyle, not nuclear secrets. Faye offers to explain domestic abuse to Kyle, as she’s been studying it for 19 years. I can’t decide whether Faye will say anything to make herself useful or if she’s the MacGuyver of domestic skill sets. Faye tells Kyle that it’s understandable that she’s confused by Taylor’s “I love him/he hits me/I’m leaving/I’m not” tang, and to just keep on loving her. I wonder if Faye’s 19 years of research have mostly consisted of listening to ’70s love songs on AM radio. 

Pandora drops by Villa Blanca to show Lisa a vomitous cotton candy pink bridesmaid dress. She wants Lisa to come to her bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Who invites their mom to their bachelorette party? I guess when your mom is on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” it’s cool instead of creepy. But Lisa does not want to go out with a bunch of 25-year-olds or see the “Chipmunks” in action (she means Chippendale’s dancers). Actually, it might be more fun to see the Chipmunks. Even though Lisa’s mouth is saying no no, I think her eyes (and the show producers) are probably saying yes yes. 

Camille meets Adrienne and Kyle at the Farm for dinner (lunch? Linner? Who knows!). They talk about their kids and how much they love them, which leads to husbands, which leads to Taylor and the tea party fiasco. Taylor has not answered any of Camille’s tweeted apologies. Camille doesn’t know how to make it better. She’s sure Adrienne and Kyle probably think she’s a horrible person, too. Why would they? I think Camille did the right thing by telling Taylor off — especially after Taylor started insulting everyone at the tea party. Luckily, Adrienne and Kyle don’t think Camille is wrong for what she did. Me, neither. 

Time for Kennedy’s birthday party! The bounce house hasn’t been inflated! The chairs aren’t set up! The mechanical bull isn’t ready to go (and when I think kiddie party, I think mechanical bull)! Everything’s a disaster! Oh, Taylor, one day you will look back at this disaster and wish you could turn back time. 

Taylor discovers that the crap rental house brought 70 kids chairs — and no tables for said kids. It turns out they’re coming in another truck. Taylor squeals with excitement. I would say, yet again, she’s trying too hard for a 5-year-old’s birthday party. But Taylor thinks this is Kennedy’s chance to commune with nature. And 250 people she probably doesn’t know. I just hope the kid gets really great gifts. 

Taylor points out to Kyle that Ace Young from “American Idol” and Dana’s stepson Connor Flynn will be performing, and they’ve written a song for Kennedy. Taylor wants to eat Ace up he’s so cute. Ace does not seem to mind the attention. I think that even a loser from “American Idol” would be a big step up for Taylor, but then, a drunk homeless guy or a potted plant would still shine in comparison to Russell. 

Lisa can’t make it to Kennedy’s birthday party because she’s probably a little horrified that she’s friends with Taylor now, plus she is working on Pandora’s wedding guest list, which is up to 187 people. It needs to be trimmed. Pandora and her fiance balk. They want a romantic, intimate wedding with everyone they’ve ever met! Mom! Lisa’s next job is to tackle the wedding invitations. Oh goody, Kevin Lee is back! He announces, “We’re going all out, darling!” which to me is a red flag, but the guy keeps popping up like a persistent rash. Lisa wants Kevin Lee to back off, because it’s her day. Um, isn’t it Pandora’s day? Anyway, we can count on Kevin to show us some ridiculously over-the-top wedding invitations, and he doesn’t disappoint. Kevin loves the $150 silk rose box invite (that’s $150 each, by the way). Pandora loves it, too. Don’t fall for it, Lisa!

Back at the party, Kyle rides the mechanical bull. Kim shows up. And then, Brandi shows up. Fight, fight, fight! Or, knowing Kim, ignore, ignore, ignore!

Taylor tells Kyle that if Camille comes to the party, she’ll have her shovel poop. How dare her to say what she said in front of all these people! Who all know about it! And agree with Camille! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — Taylor needs to direct her anger at the person responsible for it. And, hint hint, it aint’ one of the housewives.

Adrienne shows up at Kennedy’s birthday party. Kyle wants to talk about Taylor and Camille, but Adrienne has a beef she wants to add to the big, roiling, icky mess. She tells Kyle she’s upset that Lisa didn’t ask her to have Pandora’s engagement party at the Palms. Hey, I would pick Hard Rock over the Palms, too. But the Palms is Adrienne’s hotel and she’s insulted. Sigh. Keeping track of everyone’s real estate and businesses and one percenteries is just too overwhelming. What doesn’t Adrienne own? Kyle doesn’t want to get into it. Good answer. 

At another table, Brandi stares at Kim. Kim ignores her. Brandi doesn’t mind! Brandi limps over and says hi. Kim ignores her. Brandi, wounded for some reason, tells Kyle Kim won’t talk to her. Kyle nods and blinks. Why is Brandi trying to make nice with someone she thinks is a meth head? Just a thought. 

Taylor thinks Kennefy’s having a great day. Kennedy seems to be in better spirits than she was last year, when she clung to her nanny and mostly cried, so I guess that’s a win in Taylor’s book. Still, she’s afraid of Ace Young. She’s probably worried that he’s going to be her new daddy. 

Taylor and Dana try to sort out when to present Kennedy’s cake and her big gift — her very own horse. Russell barks at Dana, because he could give a crap about the cake and the horse — he wants to make sure his little family takes a cutesy group picture (probably for the tabloids). Dana thinks he’s an ass for putting his priorities above Kennedy’s. I don’t disagree, but since when has either Taylor or Russell put Kennedy’s needs above their own? I think if the kid got run over in the street, Taylor would only be worried that she ruined a perfectly good tutu with tire tracks.

Time for the song by “American Idol” loser guy! Which Kennedy ignores and Brandi finds downright funny. I don’t often agree with Brandi, but she’s not wrong. It’s terrible. Hopefully “American Idol” losers don’t cost as much as mechanical bull rentals. 

Finally, it’s time for Kennedy to get her horse. Dana thinks it’s a stupid gift, and I have to agree — especially given that Russell is (as we soon learn) stone broke. But Taylor’s feeling smiley and bright and positive. She wants to fight for her marriage. Kyle thinks she never had anything worth fighting for. It’s a sad note to end on, simply because we know how this story ends. And I’m pretty sure that Kennedy’s pretty pony has probably been repossessed. 

Do you think Taylor should forgive Camille? Do you think Kennedy’s birthday party was over the top? Do you think Kim needs to make nice with Brandi?