Have you been holding your breath for the past 23 hours?
When we left “The X Factor” on Wednesday night, 13-year-old Trevor Moran was being raced to the hospital. Yes, Trevor was annoying, but we hope he survives.
Note that this is the third or fourth time that FOX has used the “Medical Emergency Cliffhanger” to liven up an otherwise dull episode of reality TV auditions. Each time, the hospitalized contestant has survived.
So I’ve got a good feeling about Trevor.
Let’s see!
8:03 p.m. ET Seriously? Trevor was just dehydrated. The solution to his medical emergency was Gatorade. Trevor’s enabling mother briefly tried to dissuade Trevor from auditioning, but he WANTED it, and what kind of mother would prioritize her kid’s health over his deluded dream? Not Trevor’s mom!
8:04 p.m. Simon’s heard about Trevor’s little adventure. “You get one chance at this, Trevor, so you have to nail it,” Simon warns him. And nail it, Trevor does. Well, kinda. I mean… If we set our standards for “nailing” things really love. Trevor flops around and periodically mentions that he’s sexy and he knows it. He has absolutely no shame and in 2012 America, that’s what it takes to get a crowd on its feet. Britney’s open-mouthed smiling all over the place and the crowd goes bonkers. “You’re not dehydrated anymore,” Simon says sensibly. “You owned the stage. You rocked the house,” L.A. Reid says. “You were so much fun to watch,” Demi Lovato says. “I liked you a lot,” says Britney. “I think you’re gonna be remembered for this performance,” Simon says. Four “Yes” votes for the kid with no common sense and no parental boundaries! YAY! At boot camp, try to drink something, Trev.
8:12 p.m. Demi is sending kissy notes to a guy in the crowd with a greenshirt. It’s his birthday, so…
8:13 p.m. More 16-year-old dreamboats. Owen Stuart is 16, but he has a girlfriend. She’s from New York. You don’t know her. He, in fact, barely knows her. They just shared their first kiss the night before, but he’s experiencing the worst pain he’s ever felt. And yet he’s already telling people in the waiting room that if he wins, he’ll use the money to MARRY HER. So… He’s crazy. He’s already named his first album “The Fallout.” It’s going to be a concept album about the craziness from his life. And by “craziness,” he means his separation from his girlfriend. Oy. Oy. Oy. His song is… A bit sweet. It’s got a respectable hook and when he starts rapping it’s… not dismal. You could absolutely build a Disney Channel show around this kid and his brand of romantic, non-threatening hip-hop. “You know? I really enjoyed that,” L.A. Reid says, saluting both his rapping and his singing. “I think that it was a really good performance, but you didn’t ‘Wow’ me,” says the suddenly harsh Britney. But Demi disagrees. “Those lyrics were so romantic,” swoons Demi. “I really, really like you,” Simon says, calling him “committed,” “focused” and “passionate.” Britney votes “No,” but the other three judges go “Yes.” Owen is one step closer to his second kiss! “Babe, I have some good news,” Owen tells his boo.
8:23 p.m. It’s time for Freddie Combs. He’s 40. He’s a minister. He used to weight over 900 pounds. That isn’t a typo, apparently. He’s lost over 400 pounds. He has a devoted wife named Kay and they both think this is his chance to get his music out there. “I hope the judges will look past my exterior to give a fat boy a chance,” he says. Freddie is wheeled out onto the stage. He tells his story. The crowd claps enthusiastically to learn that he weighs 540 pounds today. He sings “Wind Beneath My Wings” and… he’s good. He should be on “The Voice.” How much would you pay to see Christina Aguilera press her button and turn around to see Freddie Combs? Because I reckon this guy could get a button or two pushed on “The Voice”… He’s just got a great tone and he sells the song completely. The crowd stands for Freddie. L.A. Reid vows not to make comments based on sympathy and calls Freddie’s voice “heavenly.” “It’s really touching. I feel a lot of emotion behind what you’re singing,” Demi says. “I don’t think you deserve to be stuck in that chair. I really don’t,” Simon says. “I’ll back you if you back yourself,” Simon tells Freddie. I’m curious what that means… Four “Yes” votes for Freddie. “If you stand, I’m gonna stand right by you,” L.A. Reid says. Cue the manipulative Coldplay. “It’s a ‘Yes’ to my future. It’s a ‘Yes’ to my health,” Freddie says.
8:35 p.m. “Years ago, I sat on two cats and that’s what it sounded like,” Simon tells an inept group. Does anybody believe that years ago Simon Cowell actually sat on two cats? Lots of other people also stink. None take rejection as poorly as one Bobby House, who spits at the cameraman. Backstage, Demi and L.A. Reid agree that they hate nosedives.
8:37 p.m. Entering to save the day is 16-year-old Lauren Jauregui, for whom family is everything. Her father is a general manager at a concrete company and he urges Lauren to stare into Simon’s soul or something. She’s singing “If I Ain’t Got You” and when she gets through the breathy opening, Lauren begins to open up and she’s got the goods. She’s got a big smile and enough confidence to hold the stage without seeming obnoxious. “And that, Lauren, is how you do it,” Simon says. “It was perfect,” L.A. Reid says. “I thought you were unbelievable,” Britney says. “I’m really impressed,” Demi says. Four “Yes” votes. We haven’t seen enough people like Lauren this season: Kids who can just sing without any required backstories or heart-tugging narratives. That was refreshingly simple.
8:46 p.m. Are we closing the show with 12-year-old Jordyn Foley? She’s wearing sparkling shoes and she has a signature color. Not surprisingly, said signature color is pink. She’s aggressively energetic and her first album would be called “Pink Glitter.” “You’re not going to sing ‘Annie’ are you?” Simon asks and… uh-oh. That is, indeed, what Jordyn’s singing. It’s a nasally, annoying version of “Tomorrow” that finally kicks into gear in the chorus. This is Simon’s nightmare and Britney and Demi’s pink, sparkled dream. And L.A. Reid’s just giggling like a lunatic. “Ummm… Jordyn… Oh, Jordyn… I’m gonna had this over to Demi,” Simon says. “You are too cute! Oh my gosh,” Demi says, praising Jordyn for shining. “Your voice is really beautiful,” Britney says. “I think she’s a bundle of joy,” L.A. Reid says. “I got thrills out of watching you sing a song that I knew gave him excruciating pain,” L.A. adds, pointing to Simon. Demi and Britney both vote “Yes.” “I do actually like you,” Simon says, but he votes “No” for this show. That leaves it to L.A. Reid… He votes “Yes” and Jordyn jumps up and down with glee, crying tears of giddiness.
8:55 p.m. Farewell, auditions! “I think we’ve found some real stars,” L.A. Reid says. “We had some good days, we had some bad days,” Simon says. “I’m excited, but I’m going to have to beat up Simon a couple of times,” Britney warns.
8:57 p.m. FAREWELL! Seriously, I can’t believe we’ve all survived auditions. Particularly Trevor.
8:58 p.m. On to Boot Camp.
Any favorites from Thursday’s episode?