Have you missed “Vampire Diaries”? Yes, I know, there were repeats galore, but I’m fairly sure most of you wanted fresh blood. I know, bad pun, but please indulge me — it’s the season premiere!
At the beginning of the show, we’re reminded of just how much happened last season — Klaus! Katherine! Tyler bit Damon, Stefan gave himself to Klaus to save his brother, Stefan’s bad, Elena’s sad, lots and lots of people are dead. Let’s face it, last year was rough, and not just for Elena. Although sometimes it seems like she is The Saddest Girl in the World. Yes, most teenagers don’t have to deal with their vampire boyfriend turning evil to save their smoking hot brother (okay, I’m sure Stefan doesn’t think Damon is hot, but I had to editorialize there for just a moment), but still, she is exceptionally sad.
We start things up in Tennessee. Klaus tries to convince a pretty blonde girl that he needs gas and his cell phone is dead. He promises he”s not a serial killer, he just wants to use her phone. Oh my God, woman, RUN. But she’s not the gullible and trusting type Klaus hopes she is, as she’s not letting him into the house. Unfortunately, having common sense doesn’t get you far with wolfpires or vampwolfs or whatever you want to call what Klaus is now (hybrid just makes me think of plants). He impels her to let him in and informs her and her terrified roommate that he’s looking for their other roomie, Ray Sutton. The roommate, who also has an admirable amount of common sense, runs – right into Stefan. I guess, as much as I admire these two savvy ladies, I should not get too attached to them.
Klaus manages to squeeze the information he needs out of the girls — Ray is at a bar called Southern Comfort off Highway 41. But even giving Klaus what he wants doesn’t get you very far, as he simple tells Stefan to kill the blonde quickly but make the other one suffer, then takes off. As much as I don’t like to think of Stefan tearing innocent people apart, doesn’t Klaus need a bite to eat, too? Wait, why do I care about Klaus? Honestly, it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he starved to death, though I know he won’t.
Elena is in bed, looking sad. Elena gets up and sighs at the windows. She tells her brother Jeremy to go to work. Caroline calls, which does nothing to cheer up Elena, and talks about the fabulous party she’s planning JUST for her. Elena isn”t sure she wants to go. Elena is too sad to have a birthday, it seems. But she is more interested in the conversation when Caroline reveals that there have been animal attacks in Tennessee. Animals meaning vampires.
Elena wanders into the kitchen and asks Alaric if he”s sick of sleeping on the couch. Alaric points out that it”s better than sleeping in her dead parents” room or his dead girlfriend”s room. Excellent point. He wishes her a happy birthday. Elena says thank you but looks like she wants to vomit.
Meanwhile, Damon is taking a bubble bath. He’s out of champagne! Blood donor/reporter Andie tells him to get it himself. I guess the bubbles make Damon feel generous, as he doesn’t impel Andie to walk into a plate glass window for her insubordination. Instead, he gets out of the tub, dripping little bubbles everywhere with absolutely no interest in a towel. Elena walks in and sees Damon naked. Damon is absolutely thrilled that Elena must look upon his impressive form. Oh, Damon, I”ve missed you and your impishness. Elena acts like she’s horrified. Oh, come on, Elena! Stefan will never know if you ogle. I don’t even think that’s technically cheating when it’s right in front of you like this. And you’ve already kissed the guy. Just enjoy the view. Geez.
Elena, once she recovers, tells Damon about the clue Caroline gave her regarding Klaus and Stefan’s whereabouts. Damon isn”t impressed with her clue. But Elena wants to go to Tennessee! Right now! Damon sighs heavily and tells her not to worry, as he’s going to check it out. He can”t risk Klaus knowing she”s alive, right? He also can’t risk Elena figuring out that her gentle, sweet vampire boyfriend now eats people by the fistful.
Jeremy and Bonnie Skype one another. They’re having a lovely time until the lights flicker and ghost Vicki shows up. Unfortunately, his little tete-a-tete with Vicki is disrupted when Matt bursts in and demands that Jeremy takes his table. He won”t wait on Caroline and Tyler! Sigh. Be a grown-up, Matt. She won’t bite. At least not in public. I think. Anyway, Caroline can”t understand why everyone thinks she and Tyler are dating! It”s crazy! No, no it isn”t. Caroline, he may be a werewolf, but he”s hot. Stop fighting it!
At the bar, Klaus confronts Russ. He wants to create more hims (you know, wolfpires, vampwolfs, hybrids, whatever). Russ tells him he can”t be compelled! Oh, Russ. Klaus doesn’t need to impel you. He’s more than happy to make you suffer. A lot. Klaus wants to know the location of his pack. And I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that.
Alaric and Damon go to see Klaus” last bloodbath. And oh yeah, it”s a mess. Judging from the bodies, Damon can tell it”s Stefan”s handiwork. The thing about Stefan is that he feeds so hard he rips his victims apart, then feels remorse and puts the bodies back together. Damon gives one dead girl a shove and her head rolls off. Wow, Damon wasn’t exaggerating. These girls are like serial killer Rubik’s cubes. Yuck.
Elena tries to talk to Caroline about what”s going on with her. Unfortunately, she does this while Tyler is the room, and Tyler feels perfectly comfortable commenting on their conversation because Caroline has blabbed to him about EVERYTHING, including the little detail that Elena kissed Damon. Well, that’s one way to make Elena feel even worse, Tyler — grind salt in a wound! Caroline is appropriately mortified.
However, Caroline is even more upset (not that she intends to show it) when she learns Tyler is bringing Slutty Sophie as his date to Elena’s birthday party. He”s horny all the time now! So is Caroline! It”s a vampire thing. But it”s a werewolf thing, too. Why is Caroline fighting this? Just figure something out, you crazy kids!
Damon sets the Tennessee house on fire, but not before he discovers the werewolf restraints in a basement holding tank. It’s only a matter of time before he catches up to Stefan — but then what? Hey, Stefan, we know you’ve gotten into the habit of eating people and Klaus is determined to keep you around, but can you shake that off and come home? We need you to help sing “Happy Birthday” to Elena.
Stefan throws darts at Russ, who is looking much the worse for wear. A spy tells Stefan that Damon is on his trail. Stefan offers to take care of it because he’s pretty sure something really bad will happen if Klaus does.
Elena is getting ready for her party when Damon walks in. She promises not to cry. Damon tells her it”s her party and she can cry if she wants to. A Lesley Gore reference? Oh, love that. Anyway, Damon gives her back her necklace. She asks him to put it on her, which is a fairly intimate moment both of them enjoy more than they”ll admit.
Damon leads Elena downstairs for her intimate birthday celebration of beer bongs and vomiting. Jeremy decides this is a good time to relax (as he’s sidestepping the beer bongs) and he talks to Matt while they share a joint. Jeremy tells Matt he sees… things. And no, he hasn”t told Bonnie.
Elena asks Alaric to make Jeremy stop smoking pot. Alaric is spending a lot of time moaning about how he’s at a party surrounded by his students and he feels bad and Damon is only half listening and I can’t blame him. Alaric, maybe at a normal school I’d say you’re showing a real lack of judgment, but this place is teaming with vampires and werewolves and ghosts and whatever the heck. I’d be drinking, too.
Poor Andie is the last person at work. Oh, this is not good. Someone turns a spotlight on her. She runs for the exit and trips on a cord. It”s Stefan. But Andie is so glad to see Stefan! Until he gets that bloody, veiny look on his face. Oh, oh Andie. We hardly knew ye, beyond knowing that Damon saw you as a tasty, convenient snack not unlike a 7-11 that also dispensed sex.
The party continues. Caroline watches Tyler grind away with Slutty Sophie. Matt suddenly talks to Caroline, but it doesn’t end well. These two need to improve their communication skills. Caroline impels Slutty Sophie to leave the party. Well, that’s just being a spoilsport, Caroline! If you’re not going to date him, let him have his slutty Sophie!
Elena wants to pass on the cake thing. Caroline can”t have that! Elena feels like everyone wants her to go on with her life! But Caroline feels like she”s letting her life pass her by. Well, considering life includes the opportunity to make out 24/7 with Damon, I think yes, that is bypassing a perfectly good opportunity. Elena just wants to know Stefan is still alive. That”s her birthday wish. Elena is all mopey and big-eyed like a sad dog in a velvet painting, but then she finds Damon”s Klaus chart. Why would he track him without her? WHY? Oh, Elena, does it ever occur to you that Damon is trying to protect you?
Elena calls Damon, who”s looking for Andie at the station. Not the time for a fight, so he hangs up on her. Oh, and there’s Stean! He tells Damon that he needs to let him go. Damon’s not fond of that idea. So, Stefan points up. There’s Andie on a ledge far above the stage. To prove that he’s really, really mean now, Stefan impels her to jump. That’s the end of Andie, who probably had significant blood loss to begin with. Damon is pissed, but it seems Stefan has made his point. Damon definitely realizes his brother has gone to the dark side.
Back at the party, a very stoned Jeremy offers Matt a ride, but then he sees Vicki. Jeremy suggests he and Matt walk home. So, is Vicki a helpful, Caspar-like ghost who stops people from driving under the influence, because that seems like a good thing. Of course not, but hey, at least she has a silver lining.
Tyler is understandably pissed that Caroline sent his date away. Caroline pretends not to know what he means. He tells her to tell him if he shouldn”t be dating other people. She’s got to say something! Come on, Caroline, everyone and their dog knows you want Tyler. Finally, she kisses the crap out of Tyler. Yay!
Damon comes back to the house feeling not so happy. But Elena is ANGRY. She needs to know why he wasn’t working with her? Elena, take a breath, you’re not going to like this. Damon tells her he wasn’t working with her because the “animal attack” victims all over the East Coast aren”t Klaus”, they”re Stefans. Elena blinks and her big, sad anime eyes are back just like that. Damon tells her Stefan is gone and he”s not coming back, not in her lifetime. Elena is officially having the. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
Matt and Jeremy indulge their munchies with bowls of ice cream, so apparently walking home was the way to go. But even though they’re completely stoned, Matt has the presence of mind to ask why Jeremy mentioned his sister”s name. Jeremy admits he”s been seeing Vicki. Oh, well, Matt thinks he sees her all the time. Don”t worry, Jer, it”s just normal. Matt knows the town is rife with supernatural stuff, but ghosts? That’s just silly!
Meanwhile, Klaus is hanging out with Ray, if hanging out means pinning him to a billiards table and torturing him. He”s going to make Ray drink his blood so that he can become a wolfpire hybrid whatever. It seems like Klaus should have an easier time selling the whole super undead hybrid thing to people on its own merits, but I guess he just likes torturing too much.
Elena comes home and finds Alaric packing. He”s not a role model, he drinks too much and he encourages bad behavior. He”s no good to anybody. Really? I’m not sure why one party with underage kids is doing Alaric in, but I’m thinking that if he gets busted for it, that dead girlfriend thing is a pretty good excuse.
Tyler and Caroline rip one another”s clothes off. And have wild vampire/werewolf sex. And I’m amazed at what the CW can get away with in the 8 o’clock hour.
Damon returns home and trashes his room.He considers smashing his guitar, but reconsiders, because things are bad but not destroy-a-guitar bad.
Stefan is feeling crappy, too. He calls Elena. Of COURSE she has her phone on vibrate. Wait, she picks it up. Stefan doesn”t speak, but she knows it”s him. She tells him she loves him and asks him to hold onto that. And his face crumples up like snotty Kleenex. Yes, he may be a killing machine now, but he’s not all bad. For now. Of course, Klaus has to remind him the more he kills, the less he’ll give a crap about anyone. But it’s gonna take a lot of killing to get Elena out of his system.
After all that hot sex, Caroline sneaks out of Tyler”s room for her Walk of Shame. Mrs. Lockwood glares at her, then shoots her in the back with a series of syringes. WTH? Okay, this does not bode well for Caroline, though I’m wondering if Mrs. Lockwood is just drugging her and getting her away from Tyler and not actually killing her. Though, given that she and Tyler have finally given into their desires, both options kind of suck.
What did you think of the episode? What do you think Mrs. Lockwood will do to Caroline? And do you think Klaus will succeed in making his hybrid army?