The 25 most intriguing, horrifying and hilarious confessions on Reddit

Want to be a voyeur for a while in a way that totally will not get you arrested at all? Then head on over to Reddit’s Confessions forum, where folks can anonymously share the bizarre, horrifying and just plain funny things they’re afraid to tell anyone in real life. Or just read our curated list of the 25 best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) secrets out there:

25. I use to think dildos were a Hostess product: “Like Ding-Dongs or Ho-Hos. When I was younger, I overheard the older kids saying dildo a couple times at lunch. They were whispering and giggling. For years I couldn’t figure out what was so funny and secretive about snack cakes.”

24. I have a crush on our local delivery guy so I order all kinds of shit just to see him.: “It started 6 weeks ago when I had ordered a new electrical fan and he delivered it.

23. I lifted up a guy’s motor scooter and placed it in a handicapped spot. Then I parked where the scooter had been.

22. I am married and love my wife but am so very attracted to women who smoke cigarettes…: “I am happily married and we have a very healthy sex life but I am increasingly fantasizing about a fetish.”

21. I jerked off in a public bathroom: It was a movie theater, and my movie wasn’t going to start for 45 minutes. I didn’t go into the bathroom intending to jerk off, but a guy came in right after me and I couldn’t go. I pulled out my phone and realized I hadn’t done it for a few days, so I did it.

20. I am male and I really like Uggs.

19. I’m sexually attracted to my boyfriend’s dad: “I can’t help it. I haven’t even met him yet. I’ve just heard a lot about him, have seen pictures, and heard his voice. I’m paranoid that when I do meet him I’ll be all weird around him. So much so that I don’t want to meet him, although my boyfriend and he are close.”

18. I just got a call telling me that my grandpa died, but I won’t be able to see him because I grew up in a religious cult that will no longer speak to me.

17. I made out with my cousin: “And I really liked it, and I soaked my underwear, and I flashed my boobs at him.”
16. I could get kicked out of my university for pissing: “One night I got really drunk and pissed right outside of the local bar. Literally, on the front steps and pissed onto the street.”

15. I peed in the pickle jar.

14. I Eat My Boogers: “They’re not even tasty, I’m gross….’

13. I’m afraid to shave my balls because the follicle roots are a bit bumpy and the razor might bite them.

12. I have a crush on a coworker, who is also a family friend’s daughter: “It doesn’t feel right because I’ve known her since I was 5 .”

11. Years ago, my brother took the SAT for me.

10. 22F and I want to play with dolls: “I’m 22 now and in college. I’m a little shy (no boyfriend for example) but I have a decent amount of friends, and lead a normal life. But all of a sudden I really want to play with dolls. Not just collect them … I want to make stories up and stuff.”

9. I’ve been conducting a Pavlovian type of experiment with my sleeping pills – Every time I take them, I masturbate or have sex. I now get horny every time I get sleepy.

8. [UPDATE] I am not the father: “I followed Reddit’s advice and asked for a DNA paternity test. Turns out you have to wait for the ninth week to be able to do it. It’s expensive as shit by the way. Anyway…
Turn out I am not the father.”

7. I spent $12k in under 2 months.. on video games.

6. My dad had to throw away a 250$ pair of shoes because of me.: “When I was 10, me and my family went camping for a week. Since there were no toilets within miles of the campsite, I tried to hold in my s**t for a week. Don’t know why I had that brilliant idea, but 2 days before we left, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and let out a massive turd that almost ripped my anus apart. My dad went out to gather some wood for the fire, and returned absolutely coated in my feces.”

5. I can’t go to sleep without fantasizing about being kidnapped and sedated.

4. When I was a child, I would kill small animals.: “Please do not judge me for how I acted as a child. That is not me anymore.”

3. I’m 42 and have a really awesome life, great family, job, home, even my dog is fucking perfect. But sometimes (like now) all I want to do is get high with a nice girl half my age, listen to dubstep or jungle, and fuck.

2. I thought Keanu Reeves was a black basketball player.: “I guess it’s just the way his name sounds?”

1. I masturbated to my Sims WooHooing: “I was in like 5th grade and it was my only source of material. I tried not to think about it being a game. Forgive me EA.”