Are you aware of this thing called “Cinderella”? Here's what it is: a movie, basically, but a thing where Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, and — for some reason — other actors are invited to dress up in costumes and be great together. I don't know why people named “Lily James” and “Richard Madden” get to be in this, but apparently they play Cinderella and the prince. Cate (pronounced CATE) plays the Wicked Stepmother (!) and Helena Bonham Carter plays the Fairy Godmother (!!). I wonder if they were supposed to play opposite roles originally but made a Betty White-Rue McClanahan-type switch in pre-production.
Anyway, the trailer is decadent. Watch.
There are seven important images in this. Here they are.
Here is Cate. Wicked as hell. Check out that damn bone structure, mortals. I wouldn't be surprised if Cate's parents were Glenn Close and a swan.
Um, we're only at the second picture and it's a candidate for Campiest Moment of Human Perfection. It is literally a combination of Norma Desmond's closeup stare and “Mommie Dearest”s hanger rage. Are you choking on it yet? Because Cate's still big. It's the camp that got small.
Here's a good shot of two-time Academy Award winner Cate reminding us that when she dyes her hair red, Kate Winslet doesn't even need to exist.
A prince. Let this be a lesson to you all: You can't dress like a handsome fairytale prince anymore. Your bandleader jacket will make you look like late '80s Paula Abdul. Sorry.
It's Helena Bonham Carter in full blonde va-va-voom mode. But even in a gorgeous role, she makes a stankface like Jacki Weaver or other big-screen weirdos. God bless you, HBC.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Brace yourself. Here goes: As a blonde, HBC is a dead-ringer for Madeline Kahn. WE WANT THAT BIOPIC, DIRECTOR KENNETH BRANAGH. MAKE IT SO. Seriously, you owe it to us after “My Week With Marilyn.” What a joke, Ken.
Finally, here's Cinderella. It's a picture of her when the clock strikes midnight and she realizes, “Damn. I'm the least fabulous person in this movie.”
Cannot. Wait.