OMG! Can you believe it? Sean is going to pick either Lindsay or Catherine! Or neither! And, if he picks one of them, he’ll probably break up with her in a few months! Okay, that was a little negative, I know, but let’s face it; the odds are rarely in anyone’s favor on this show. Yes, it’s very romantic, it’s fun to watch, but it doesn’t usually translate into actual, you know, nuptials.
Still, according to Chris Harrison, this is a historic three-hour finale. Which, to me, suggests ABC sold more commercial time than usual. Let’s just say Chris Harrison has over promised and under delivered many, many times in the past. Still, he says there is late-breaking news that could provide one of the most beautiful moments in “Bachelor” history. I would like to believe this, but I don’t want to trust him. Chris Harrison has let me down too many times, damn him!
But first, let’s go to Thailand. Sean feels so blessed, yada yada yada. He doesn’t know which direction to go, but he hopes his family will help him with his final decision. That means his whole family got a free trip to Thailand! Whoot! Hope they got to pet elephants and didn’t just have to stare at Lindsay and Catherine.
Aren’t little kids cute? Sean’s nephew chirps, “Emily didn’t pick you!” and everyone laughs. Even if Sean secretly wants to smack him.
Sean’s mom is nervous. This is a serious decision, and she wants him to make the right decision. But Sean doesn’t know what his decision is going to be! She suggests he should know what the hell he’s doing already. Sean bristles. Like, he’s WORKING ON IT, MOM. JEEZ.
Catherine is first on deck. She’s a ball of nerves. She has to make a really good first impression, as she could be part of this family FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Or the next few months. Just a thought. I know, negative, but doesn’t that take the pressure off?
The good news is that Catherine’s meeting with the fam seems pleasant. First, Dad Jay asks if Catherine likes sports. Oh yes, she does! She played football in 6th grade on an all-boys team, so suck it! And she broke her arm, so she went on to cheerleading. Dad’s immediately a fan. Catherine tells them she was initially skeptical of the process, but she’s learned so much about herself! And that she wants to be with someone like Sean! Um, like Sean? Or Sean?
Mom talks to Catherine privately. How does Catherine feel about her son? It’s love! All she can think about is a future with Sean! He makes her feel so good about herself! She never thought she’d be ready for this, but she never wants to let him go! Really, what else is she going to say? “Eh, he’s okay. I dig his hair.”
In short order, Sherry gives Catherine a thumbs up. Which is smart, because Sean is proposing to somebody, so she might as well be nice while cameras are rolling.
Jay is next to talk to Catherine. She tells him she and Sean love to laugh! And eat! Jay tells her will support her no matter what. She is so touched. So, if there’s a tornado, and only one spot left in the bathtub, he’ll tell Sean tough luck and get in there with Catherine, right?
Next up, Lindsay visits the family. She’s nervous. She and Sean talk about feeding monkeys. She talks about her wedding dress intro. There’s lots of laughing. It’s a dream come true for Lindsay. How does she know she’s in love? She just knows! He makes her feel beautiful! He’s everything she’s been looking for! I think Lindsay should do car commercials, because she could totally sell me on, say, a Hyundai or something.
Jay interrogates Lindsay first. He wants to know what she’ll do when she and Sean don’t agree. Prayer! Compromise! Jay tells her he and Sherry have been praying for Sean’s wife since the day he was born. Lindsay cries, because she doesn’t think that’s weird at all. Good thing Sean isn’t gay! Not that that would have gone over with two parents who’ve been praying for his wife since day one! Lindsay asks Jay for Sean’s hand in marriage. He laughs. Jay thinks Lindsay is as beautiful on the inside as the outside. Aw, shucks! That doesn’t mean he intends to skin her or anything… I think. That would be an episode of “Castle.”
Lindsay talks to Sherry next. She tells Sherry she knows Sean cares for her. Sherry thinks she’s a sweet young woman and admits she loved her right off the bat. As much as the show tries to B.S. us into thinking there’s going to be pushback from the family, it almost never happens. Unless Sean is visiting Des. Then, there’s some hate.
Time for Lindsay to leave. Sean thinks she’s a perfect fit for him. She makes him feel loved! He’s humbled by her love! Sean thinks she’s the piece that he’s been missing for so long! He thinks he could marry her…and Catherine. Only in certain churches, Sean, and not legally!
Finally, it’s time for the family to weigh in. Jay thinks it’s a win-win, as either girl is fine… for him to skin alive. Kidding! Sherry loved them both. So, no preferences, because Sean’s parents aren’t stupid. Can you imagine steering him one way with cameras running, and then he picks THE OTHER girl? Yeah, that would make for horrible family get-togethers (at least until the dumping happens).
Still, Sherry is scared. Sean shouldn’t propose to anyone if he feels pressure! She wants him to be sure! Sean looks cranky. He says he wants their opinions and perspectives, but really he just wants their support. In other words, shut up and agree with him no matter what he says. Oh, no, he’s going to make Sherry cry, because it’s a huge decision. Sean tells her he won’t propose unless he’s sure. Sherry counters that she couldn’t make a decision in three days, so she doesn’t see how he can. She reminds him that if he can’t decide, maybe that’s the decision. Good point! Just because ABC wants you to propose doesn’t mean you have to, Sean.
Back in the studio audience, Chris Harrison says there’s information about Sean’s status that has changed in THE LAST 24 HOURS! Stop selling, Chris Harrison! Stop it!
Sean gets ready for his last two dates. He feels blessed, blessed, blessed. He and Lindsay sail along the Mekong River, which gives them views of Laos, Myanmar and Thailand. The guy steering the boat seems so bored by these boring, happy, well-fed Westerners. I hope they tipped him. I bet he doesn’t feel so blessed.
Lindsay feels like they have more than a marriage. They have a friendship. He’s her best friend! She can picture them growing old together, and she’s sure he’ll be hot when he’s old. That is important, after all.
Lindsay declares that that night is the biggest night of her life. She tells him they have everything she’s ever wanted, but she’s nervous. She just wishes she knew what he was thinking! Don’t go down this road, Lindsay! It’s never a good idea to admit you’re worried!
They write wishes on lanterns — well, they write words on lanterns that signify wishes: love, happiness and family. I think she should have written Sean and Linsday TLA on at least one of the lanterns, but opportunity lost. Sean thinks it feels right with her. She’s so thoughtful and loving! At this moment, he feels Lindsay is the one for him. She feels this moment has been 24 years in the making. Well, by that logic, every moment is many years in the making. So was the last time she went to the grocery store. I mean, she was born, THEN stuff happened. Calm down, Lindsay.
Back to Chris Harrison. Only live television could capture all the emotion and drama OF WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE! Really? I so don’t trust this man anymore!
Today, Sean is searching for a sign while with Catherine. So, he’s taking her for an elephant ride. And… he’s going to read the poop? Read elephant ears? What? Anyway, Catherine’s so excited! She’s ALWAYS WANTED TO RIDE AN ELEPHANT! And they get to wear matching blue elephant riding pants! They see trees and stuff! Best day of her life! But she knows she needs to tell him exactly how she feels.
Eventually, Catherine tells Sean she has a hard time talking about serious things — because she wants so badly to be in love! She knows he can’t tell her how he really feels, so she needs to tell him… she feels so comfortable with him. And his family blew her mind. And she knows he sees family the way she does. And she’s thankful for his family. SPIT IT OUT, CATHERINE! Sean tells her he pictures a future with her. He knows how incredible she is. They kiss. They cuddle. She can’t imagine a future in which she doesn’t get and accept his proposal. This is either true love, positive thinking, or potentially denial. At this point, a toss-up.
Sean thinks it takes a lot for her to open up with him. It melts his heart that she does, but at this point, what’s holding him back is Lindsay. He never thought he’d be in this situation. It kills him that he’s going to break someone’s heart. Sean, Sean, Sean. You should know better. It’s “The Bachelor.”
Catherine is scared. She hugs Sean a long time. Then, she whispers, “I love you.” She hoped she’d get a glimmer of… something in his eyes. But she saw nothing. Possibly because he was tired, or there’s a camera crew shining a light in his face, or who knows what. But Catherine feels that something is coming down on her. She follows Sean out the door and cries. He hugs her and leaves again. Well, that wasn’t great. As she says, it was one of the most horrible goodbyes she ever had. She wants more! She can’t get anything out of him! That’s the SHOW, Catherine. Geez.
She can’t predict what’s going to happen, and it’s scary, because she’s out on a limb by herself. Honestly, I think Catherine has issues. Actually, we know Catherine has issues. Lindsay is feeling happy and positive, and Catherine is stewing in a personal pit of panic.
In the studio, Chris asks people in the audience what they think will happen. In short, no one knows. This is not the least bit insightful, really.
In Thailand, Sean wanders around, thinking. He could marry either of these girls, but he’s made up his mind. He woke up in the morning and knew there was one woman he couldn’t stand to live without. Well, that took long enough.
Neil Lane drops by with rings. Sean picks one. He feels so good to be where he is right now! He’s prepared to love in a way he’s never loved. Blah, blah, blah. He gets sniffly. He’s more emotional than he’s been, ever! Jeez, sometimes I really wish this episode didn’t always feel like everyone involved had inhaled a Hallmark store before filming.
Lindsay is just so happy! She can’t believe it! She thinks it’s amazing, it’s what she’s always wanted! Her whole life is going to change, unless it isn’t! I think Lindsay is going to be really disappointed.
On the other hand, Catherine is having a hard time. It’s scary! She wants to be excited, but she’s overwhelmed. She’s sure she and Sean would be great together, but she’s been through a lot in her life, so it’s intense for her going into the unknown.
Lindsay is excited; Catherine is confused. Guess who’s going to be really sad?
Wait! We can’t reveal that YET! Lesley M., Sarah, AshLee and Jackie are in the studio audience, so Chris Harrison has to get their insider bets. Lesley M. thinks Sean will choose Catherine. She thinks they both have such a goofy side, they’re perfect. Plus, he thinks she’s ready. I mean, she’s 26. Because, gosh, she’s totally OLD. Sarah thinks Sean will choose Lindsay.
Chris Harrison asks AshLee if she now understands why Sean liked Catherine and Lindsay more than he liked her. Yeah, that isn’t a cruel question at all! AshLee thinks the two women are more laid back than she was, so that made the difference. She also thinks he’ll pick Lindsay. Jackie doesn’t know what will happen! She can’t imagine being in the final two! Because she never had much of a shot!
Back to Sean. He doesn’t want to hurt a girl. He didn’t plan on this! He didn’t know it would be this tough to say goodbye, yada yada yada. Does any guy on this show ever say, yeah, I knew this was going to suck?
So, the girl to be shot down is… Lindsay. Like we didn’t know that already. Hey, she has a huge tattoo on her foot. Chris Harrison’s next job could be a professional poker player or escorting convicts to their executions, because he’s very good at not showing emotion when he walks the rejects to the big reveal.
Lindsay is so happy! She gives Sean a big smile. He smiles back. And, here goes! He tells her she’s been a surprise! She was fun to hang out with! He didn’t know the depth he would find with her! He’s so amazed by her! She’s still smiling. She blows him away… but… just spit it out, Sean. SPIT IT OUT. “Lindsay, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.” She blinks. His heart is leading him somewhere else. She releases his hands like he has the ebola virus. He talks about praying for clarity. And now he has it. So, he has to say goodbye to her. IShe nods a lot, in that. “Okay, got it, let’s wrap this up” kind of way.
But he won’t wrap it up. He really likes her! You know, not enough, but she’s great! “Please, just don’t… it’s okay.” She tells him to stop. Repeatedly. He just wants to tell her how hard it was for him!
Then, she asks, “Was it me?” Oh, oh, poor bunny. This is awful. It’s always awful, but really, poor bunny. She tells him she’s going to go. She’s happy that he found love, but she can’t imagine her life without him.
Sean stops to tell Lindsay ONE MORE TIME how blessed he feels having gotten to know her. She resists the urge to kick him and instead says, “Good luck,” and walks away. He’s more weepy than she is. She is TOUGH. I am so impressed by Lindsay. She takes off her shoes to hustle that much more quickly to the car. Hell, what does she care? She was wearing the painful heels for his benefit, so screw it!
Ah, the limo ride of misery. She’s felt this a hundred times. She fell for it. It’s not fair! No, it isn’t, Lindsay. Why did he do this to her! She didn’t want to be hurt this way! In a sick, twisted place in her head, she’s happy for Sean and Catherine. But she just wants to grow old with somebody and have a family, and now someone else has that. She doesn’t want to be alone. Oh, come on. Lindsay, you’re not 108. You still have plenty of time. Some guy will totally overlook the bad foot tattoo.
Chris Harrison gives Sean a letter from Catherine. And… time to cut back to the studio audience. Apparently there is swearing, because the sound cuts out for an awfully long time.
Does the letter tell Sean Catherine can’t show up? Does it tell him something he doesn’t already know? Of course not! It’s just Catherine’s chance to tell Sean he’s awesome. Stoopid letter.
Catherine meets Sean at the designated romance point. It’s time for Sean to take her hands and talk
And talk. And talk. He never saw this coming. She never ceases to amaze him. He doesn’t want to say goodbye anymore. He wants to spend the rest of his life telling her he loves her and making her feel like the most special, beautiful woman in the world. Here comes the ring!
They hug. They kiss. Aw, shucks. It is very, very sweet. “I’m so addicted to you!” she squeals, which is entirely sincere but makes me think she may have gotten a little hooked on being on a nonstop romantic vacation. He gives her the final rose.
Time to leave on their elephant! It’s the best day of his life. It’s the coolest day of hers. Well, the Interwebs had it right. Catherine takes the win.
So, what’s the big reveal about Sean? Tonight is a night none of us will soon forget. Really? I’ve forgotten a lot of these finales.
Time for Sean to come to the stage. Maybe AshLee can throw something at him from the audience. They have metal detectors there, right?
Sean is so relieved that the secret is out. The audience wants him to take off his shirt. Keep it classy, people! Sean can’t wait to be with the love of his life! He just wants to love her and be with her! He really does seem thrilled about Catherine. That’s a good sign.
Time to talk to Chris Harrison about Lindsay. Sean feels horrible about it. He hadn’t cried since his grandfather died, but he hated dumping Lindsay. Oh, good, so he can tell Lindsay all this Again! Because Lindsay’s coming out to join them. Sean’s excited to see her, but he’s nervous. After Women Tell All, he realizes things can be ugly. And he has nothing to say to her to give her closure. He had no reason to dump her except he found Catherine. So, this could be uncomfortable.
Chris Harrison tells Sean that, before he can hang with Catherine, he has to deal with “this bit of business” that is Lindsay. Isn’t that nice? She must be so pleased being referred to as a bit of business.
Lindsay walks out in a white dress that is not in the least bit bridal. She hugs Sean. She’s so nice. She admits it’s hard to see Sean again. She just wonders what happened. Um, nothing, really. He fell in love with Catherine, but she’s phenomenal in every way. He still lights up when he thinks about her. She cares about him, too, but she still can’t understand what they were missing as a couple. Sean prayed a lot that last week in Thailand, and he can’t point to specifics. There was something about Catherine that told him this is the woman for him.
Lindsay talks about breaking the news to her family. And asks Sean, AGAIN, what went wrong. He tells Lindsay, AGAIN, nothing went wrong. Chris tries to help Sean explain things to Lindsay. When did he realize Lindsay wasn’t the one? Sean knew after his final date with Lindsay that Catherine’s the one. What about that night? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Lindsay is being very sweet and very nice, but she’s not letting go of this. He’s already said he doesn’t KNOW what the difference is! He’s a GUY, come on! Lindsay, there is NO CLOSURE to be had here!
Lindsay says she prayed a lot and knows everyone goes through heartbreak. But it was hard. Her faith helped. Poor Lindsay. And she doesn’t even get to be the Bachelorette! Hope the free trip to Thailand was worth it.
Chris Harrison tells Lindsay everyone watching the show loved her. Except Sean, of course.
Finally, it’s time for Catherine to appear. Catherine and Sean are happy together. Chris tells us that America has fallen in love with Sean and Catherine. They also fell in love with Lindsay, some of the previous rejects, possibly the elephant that Sean and Catherine rode in Thailand, those monkeys on the island, a few relatives I’ve already forgotten, that AT&T commercial with the little kids and the guy in the suit… GOSH, America just has SO MUCH LOVE.
Sean and Catherine keep nattering on about love. Catherine and Sean get to watch their proposal Catherine cries a little. Sean gets weepy. Chris Harrison wants to know what it’s LIKE. Um, good, I think.
Sean and Catherine want to get married on ABC. That’s the big announcement. Yawn. No date. but soon. You know, if they don’t break up. Catherine doesn’t want to wait — she wants to be his wife. Sean wants to get married, too. He’d go to the courthouse and get it done! Ah-ha! Chris Harrison is ordained. He tells them he could do it on the show RIGHT NOW. Kidding! Yeah, God forbid we actually get a big moment or anything.
Chris says this is the first couple so sincere and so ready to get married. But first, who’s living where? Catherine has packed her bags… and will be moving somewhere. I suspect that means to Los Angeles, when he does “Dancing with the Stars.”
Another commercial break, after which we learn Des is going to be the next star of “The Bachelorette.” I mean, I’m assuming, but come on.
And guess what? It’s Des. She can’t believe she’s the new Bachelorette! She gets weepy. She never imagined this could happen! She’s hopeful! She thinks this can work for her! Well, statistically, she has a better shot at finding love on “The Bachelorette” than “The Bachelor.” And she’s sure she can handle a bunch of guys. You go, Des. I think she’ll be a fun “Bachelorette.” Let’s see if she finds some guys to destroy!
Do you think Catherine and Sean will go the distance? What kind of Bachelorette do you think Des will be? Will you watch Catherine and Sean’s wedding?