The Killers’ new Christmas classic: ‘Joel, the Lump of Coal’ will tear your heart out

It may have come out of a “Jimmy Kimmel” sketch, but the Killers' new Christmas song is actually pretty touching. And also depressing. But life-affirming!

Brandon Flowers and company have unveiled their latest charity holiday single “Joel, the Lump of Coal,” in which they spin a tale of an adorable piece of anthracite who discovers his true purpose.

Joel, Joel, the lump of coal
Happy as a lump can be
He just wants to keep Santa warm
And make the elves cozy

Cute, right? We love you, Joel. Then it gets dark.

Joel, Joel, the lump of coal
Fell down upon his knees
“I don't wanna live with a naughty kid
Don't make me, Santa, please”

But Santa laughed his jolly laugh
“Ho, ho, you stupid lump
You're just the thing to teach this brat
That Santa ain't no chump”

Aww dammit, Joel is crying now. And I'm crying. We are all crying.

Fuck you, Santa. And the elves too. Christmas is a lie.

Download “Joel, the Lump of Coal” here. All proceeds go to the RED Campaign.