‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: ‘Hold on to Your Weaves’

12.10.12 7 years ago

Before we get started, here’s a question… What the hell is up with Walter? Kenya is clearly insane, and that’s fine. We know why the other women hang out with her — Bravo makes them — and she’s highly entertaining. Few things are more enjoyable than watching a card-carrying lunatic swan around a reality TV show and annoy all the other slightly-less-loco people on the show. But she’s nuts, right? I can understand that Walter finds her attractive; she was a Miss USA (or is that Miss America? Kidding!) She can be charming. But I would think when girlfriend starts yapping about how her baby oven is sad and lonely and how she needs to get married NOW NOW NOW before her ovaries dry up, he’d necessarily run from the room screening, change his cell phone number, and spend a month overseas until she stopped driving past his house, breaking windows. Kenya redefines high maintenance. She makes Mariah Carey look like she could be the chick with uncombed hair checking you through the express lane at Target. What man would willingly sign up for this walking nightmare?

Maybe we should ask Kroy, as he signed up for a lifetime stint with another high maintenance (though nowhere near Kenya’s level of whackadoo) woman, Kim. Kim, as we know, has stormed out of her girl lunch, screamed obscenities at the Bravo cameramen, and shoved the camera all “Maury”-style. Even Kroy leaps to his lady’s defense, so you know it’s true love — the couple that flips out together, stays together. Of course, I’m suspecting this is just a ruse to create drama so Kim can run merrily off to her spin-off show on gossamer wings of lingering drama. Kim hasn’t seemed this keyed up for several seasons, and getting called out for flaking on a vacation doesn’t really seem like a reason for her to flip her wig, literally or figuratively. 

The gift that Kim leaves behind upon her exit is a chance for all the other women at the table to bond over Kim’s bizarre behavior. I’m hoping someone brings a big poster of Kim to hang up at the hotel in Anguilla, so when the women start fighting over who has the nicer bedroom or who borrowed whose lipgloss, they can all look at it and remember the good old days, when they bonded in their contempt for a shared enemy. Ah, memories.

Cynthia and Peter plan to meet Porsha and Kordell for dinner, which is so exciting Peter actually manages to smile briefly. Except, sadly, Kordell cancels and Peter is hugely disappointed. Peter expresses this by letting his eyes glaze over with boredom while Porsha is talking. Of course, I would probably have a hard time concentrating on anything that dribbled out of Porsha’s mouth, given that she seems to have such a difficult time forming complete sentences. When Porsha says that Kordell loves golf, Peter actually perks up as if he just realized he was out in public with other people and not sitting on the toilet at home. He loves golf! Except, as Cynthia points out, he doesn’t play it. But one time he tried and he thinks he’s really good at it! Cynthia takes this opportunity to quickly change the subject by inviting Porsha and, of course, Kordell to Anguilla. I’m waiting for Porsha to nod happily and say something like, “Oh, thanks, but I don’t eat fish,” or “Oh, that’s great! Is that next to LegoLand?” Alas, she doesn’t, but you know she has no idea what Cynthia is saying.

Gosh, Cynthia and Peter just met Porsha, though. Are they inviting her on the trip because of Kordell? Or because they like the idea of having a friend who’s only slightly smarter than a bag of hair? Of course not! Cynthia is just happy to invite someone who hates Kenya as much as she does, because “any enemy [of Kenya’s] is a friend” of hers. Lovely. In the “Real Housewives” universe, that can be the basis of a solid, meaningful relationship for at least three seasons. Congratulations, you two!

So, it’s time for everyone to jet off to Anguilla. Kordell shows up and Peter is hugely excited. I am halfway expecting him to jump up and down like a little kid who needs to pee. Kordell is a big football star! He ran the longest touchdown! Or something! Kandi shows up without Todd, because her man just couldn’t take time off of work. I’m thinking Todd is a smart man who knows that a free vacation with this crowd will probably be like a week in hell, if hell relocated to a tropical setting. Nice view, but your skin is still on fire. Finally, Kenya arrives at the airport and ensures things get off to an uncomfortable start by ignoring Porsha. And then Todd shows up, having wheedled his way out of work. Todd! You fool! This is like watching someone in a zombie movie say, “Let me light a fire and shoot a gun. What harm could it do?”

On the plane, Kenya wonders if “someone will get proposed to on this trip.” Given that we see Kenya practically licking Apollo in the promos, I think the proposal might be something like, “How about you get the hell out of this room?” or “Hey Kenya, why don’t you walk your skanky ass home?” Something like that.

The group gets onto a boat to get to Anguilla. Cynthia admits she’s a little afraid of falling out of the boat. So, what does Kenya do? She asks to take the controls and yanks down the throttle, making the other housewives fly back against the boat’s seats like Barbie dolls in a wind turbine. Kandi thinks Kenya gave a pop to the beginning of the trip, but I suspect Cynthia and NeNe would like to hold Kenya down and make her eat a ground glass popsicle. Cynthia’s boob popped out, and most of the boat ride entailed Peter trying to hold her dress together. I’m sure they’re just so glad Kenya could come!

Just in case it isn’t entirely clear that the Smalls and Talls pecking order remains in full effect, once the group reaches land Peter declares NeNe and Gregg will be joining him and Cynthia in an Escalade, while everyone else has to take a bus like sad little schoolchildren. 

But that’s okay, as the bus drives past a Diamonds International. Ooh, diamonds! Kenya likeee DIAMONDS! So, Walter, want to go look at DIAMONDS? Walter isn’t interested in any blood diamonds. Kenya ignores this silly thing Walter does called deflection and tells him she likes big diamonds. More specifically, she wants one, big diamond. Walter ignores her. Phaedra thinks Kenya’s like a dog with a bone, though I think Kenya’s perhaps more like a serial killer with a fixation or a virus with a 90 percent kill rate. Walter is acting like he can handle this just fine, but if he doesn’t give this girl a ring in the next few days, I suspect we’re going to see Kenya’s mugshot on the nightly news and Walter’s relatives crying about how they never expected her to chop him into pieces and store him in her Louis Vuitton luggage. 

At the hotel, everyone toasts Peter, but I’m pretty sure Kenya wants to take back that toast and use the champagne glass to crack over Peter’s head as soon as she sees her room. NeNe has a big room, and she doesn’t! She doesn’t have a tub like NeNe! She doesn’t have a private room for her toilet like NeNe! She’s not happy! Kenya flops on the bed and muffles her scream with a pillow. Walter asks Kenya several times if she took her medicine, and I’m wondering if he isn’t talking about lithium or some powerful antipsychotic she hasn’t previously mentioned on the show. If so, it’s not working.

Next, we cut to a brief scene between Phaedra and Apollo. Phaedra will not get into a hot tub. Apollo likes hot tubs. And the next thing you know, Apollo is taking about his “pee-pee hole” and Phaedra is making it clear no one should mess with her “honeypot” and they’re calling their doctor back in the States, and I am considering ripping my eyes out if I can’t find the remote control soon. There must be an uncomfortable infomercial about erectile dysfunction or urinary incontinence I can watch instead of this.

Speaking of uncomfortable, Peter and Cynthia are getting romantic in their room. What this means is Peter makes Cynthia feel guilty about bringing her child from a previous relationship along on their honeymoon and Cynthia seems to think this is all kinds of cute and not controlling and creepy. “You owe me, and right here you’re gonna make up for it over and over and over again,” he says, yanking her onto the bed. Most women would suggest this sounds like he wants her to be one of the comfort women of World War II, but Cynthia just giggles and slips her dress off her shoulders. The only thing that could make this less sexy would be if one of them had dysentery or excessive body hair. 

Later, everyone heads for the pool, including Apollo, who is wearing swimming  trunks. Walter is already in the pool, so this isn’t a strange thing. It’s not like anyone is showing up at a wedding in a swimsuit or walking down to dinner butt naked. But then, a debate about who is going to swim and who’s wearing a suit breaks out, and the next thing you know, Kenya pushes Apollo into the pool. Phaedra does NOT like this. She likes it even less when Apollo hops out, picks up Kenya, slings her over his shoulder like Tarzan, and jumps into the pool with her. Kenya doesn’t think she was flirting, but “there’s no shame in my game.” I think Kenya needs to get some shame in her game, because Phaedra looks like she’d gladly walk over to Kenya and bash her head against the pool tiles if there wasn’t a camera crew present. 

This isn’t to say Phaedra doesn’t fight back in her own special way. The next morning, she comes to breakfast looking like she got caught in a fishnet. But no, it’s a mesh bathing suit cover up covering a suit that looks like that banana hammock nightmare Borat wore, just in black. I’m not sure what to make of this, but everyone seems to think it’s sexy. 

After hopping on another boat to go to a new location, which gives NeNe something new to complain about, the couples head off on their own. That means Kenya has time to talk to Walter about something very private and special… oh no, she’s talking about MARRIAGE. Because she hasn’t brought it up in the last five minutes! Walter, who’s watched his girlfriend practically wrestle another man to the floor and hump him, asks if she’s really ready. Oh, she’s ready! Doesn’t matter who it is, she’ll marry ANYONE as long as she can get some SPERM. Walter shrugs. “Still got three days. Don’t know what’s gonna happen.” He’s going to marry this nutjob, isn’t he? 

Kandi and Todd, who are doing an admirable job of avoiding the cray-cray, go to a bar. A poor, underpaid waitress tells them about the bar’s drink menu. They can get the Bleep Me Sideways, Bleep Me Up, Get Me Laid, Panty Dropper… and margaritas. She doesn’t say bleep, by the way, just the full and complete F-word. Todd orders the first one, and suggests Kandi might do something indecent to him, and basically they’re just waiting to get back to their room and have the stupid camera crew leave them alone. I have to say, I hope their waitress makes a buttload in tips, because you know she has people screaming obscenities at her all day. 

That evening, Phaedra uses her many, many minister of tourism connections to set up a cultural event, which involves seemingly innocent young girls wearing feathered dresses and waving white umbrellas hoochie dancing. Kenya, who also gave the Minister of Tourism a lick, wants to dance, too! NeNe worked the pole, so she’s in. Then, Kenya rubs up against Peter and tells the manager of the Viceroy Hotel she’d like his sperm. I think Kenya might need a leash and a shock collar. 

Kenya explains that she’d like Walter to get a little jealous. If this trip hasn’t set him off yet, Kenya, it’s not going to happen. At this point he could probably walk in on her riding the janitor like a pony and collecting his semen in cups to take back to her American fertility doctor, and Walter would just shrug and remind her to take her medication. I can’t decide it Walter is just a very secure guy, is partially blind, or has taken out a massive insurance policy on Kendra and is already plotting how to drown her somewhere off the beach. 

But it’s not over until something really horrifying happens, and this week it’s Kenya asking Phaedra a question. If she had to give Apollo a birthday present, and it involved two of her friends, who would she choose? Apollo and Phaedra try to play dumb for a moment, but Kenya won’t let it go. YOU KNOW, if you let your husband SCREW TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS? WITH YOUR PERMISSION? Like, I’M AVAILABLE. Walter doesn’t CARE! Phaedra tells her to go on with her bullbleep before she gets pissed. I think Phaedra is well past pissed, really, and my God, the fact she hasn’t clawed Kenya’s weave out already is a testament to her self-restraint. Kenya is entertaining, yes, but I’m so, so glad I don’t have to deal with her crazy ass.

Do you think Kenya is just acting? Do you think Walter is going to propose? Do you think Phaedra needs to have a talk with Apollo? 

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