‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: ‘I Do…But I Won’t’

12.17.12 7 years ago

Following the flat-out bizarre three-way question Kenya posed last week, I thought we might see Phaedra slap our new housewife right into next week, thus eliminating any further ridiculous drama in serene, beautiful Anguilla. Phaedra likes to portray herself as a refined Southern gentlewoman, but let’s face it — anyone comes between her and her man Apollo, and she’s digging her well-manicured nails into some bitch’s eyeballs. As Phaedra says in the interview room, “You can dance, you can model your shoes, you can show me your cervix. But please don’t put your paws on Apollo, because I’m gonna have an issue with that.” I was thinking she might also have an issue with Kenya showing her her cervix, but you get the point.

Obviously, Kenya’s question doesn’t go over well, and no one seems too interested in taking Kenya’s side. NeNe even goes so far as to shift focus to Kenya’s sore point — Walter. She asks if their relationship is for real, a question that Peter seems to find shocking for some reason. But man, I’m with NeNe. Something is clearly wrong in Kenya and Walter’s relationship — she hammers and hammers and hammers away for a ring and a baby, and Walter is very carefully sidestepping the subject. Maybe he doesn’t want to discuss personal matters on national television, maybe he’s been instructed by producers to keep us guessing, or maybe he’s just not that into Kenya, who is, as we know, hella lotta crazy. 

But Peter isn’t the only one shocked, yes, shocked by the temerity of NeNe to question Kenya’s relationship with Walter. Kenya is, too! “My relationship is fine. And, most importantly, it’s my business,” she huffs in the interview room. And it’s her business whether Phaedra is open to partner swapping? Seriously?

With tensions high, the housewives and househusbands and house boyfriends move on to a new location, and Kenya takes the opportunity to apologize to Phaedra for practically licking her husband. “It was for fun,” she bleats. “I respect your marriage!” Instead of slapping her, Phaedra crumbles like a dirty Kleenex. Yeah, yeah, it’s cool, she gets it, it might be misperceived by other people, oh, like viewers and such, not by her, not that she’s worried, oh, it’s all FINE. What? I was looking forward to Angry Phaedra, darn it.

While Gregg cooks dinner, Porsha decides to pick up the anti-Kenya football and run it past Cynthia. During Kenya’s frisky-a-thon by the pool, she shimmied against Peter while Cynthia cluelessly grinded away on the other side. This would be a Peter sandwich, which I hope to never see on a menu ever. Anyway, Porsha wonders if Cynthia realizes Kenya dropped down during this interlude. Did she drop it like it’s hot, Cynthia wonders? No, she touched her toes. I am now realizing I am not up on the definitions of dropping it and dropping it while it’s hot, but no matter. Cynthia is going to let this transgression pass, as it was a carefree moment involving dancing. But did anyone else notice NeNe pushing Kenya’s head down into said drop position during this scene? Just saying. 

Cynthia has nothing to worry about anyway, since Peter is too in love with her to care about any silliness with Kenya. Before dinner, he calls the guys together to tell them about the vow renewal. Gregg offers him two Viagra, which kicks off a battle of denials. I don’t need Viagra! I don’t either, that’s why I’m offering them to you! I’m not old! Me neither! Even though we both are, in fact, old! No one needs Viagra! This episode will not be sponsored by the makers of Viagra, I’m guessing. 

Just to drive that point home, over dinner everyone talks about how much (medically unassisted) sex they’re having in Anguilla. This would also be called the “Kenya, BACK OFF OUR HUSBANDS” segment. Walter seems hugely bored, and Kenya says nothing. Yes, they look desperately in love, in that I might take them for strangers at a bus stop who just happen to be eating.

Walter pulls Kenya away from the party to discuss… something. Kenya thinks this might be the moment! He might have a ring! They could be getting married in Anguilla! She’s so excited! No, Walter just wants to tell her about Cynthia and Peter renewing their vows.  Kenya strokes her ponytail with a ferocity that suggests her whole weave might come flying out and skitter across the room like a rabid cat. 

The next morning, NeNe chats with Kenya as they spackle on make-up and get their hair done by a fleet of minions. So, about that Walter… Kenya assures NeNe he’s just taking his time, and she adds that she’s never, ever cheated on a man in her life. Huh. Not for lack of effort, clearly. Has she told Walter this? Because, if I were Walter, I would want to know. 

Later, as the women get massages, Kenya yammers on about how she and Walter have talked about eloping. Really? I thought Kenya talked about eloping and Walter stared at her. NeNe seems suspicious of this whole relationship as well. I’m wondering if Walter was actually cast to be Kenya’s boyfriend and didn’t realize he might actually be forced to marry this crazy person on television. I’ve seen more chemistry between fish and refrigerators. 

Anyway, everyone heads off to the island and Peter springs his big renewal of vows idea on Cynthia, and she loves it and it’s very romantic, even if it is Peter and Cynthia. I just wish Peter didn’t wear his sunglasses during the ceremony, because he looks like a stoner taking his SATs. 

At the end of the ceremony, Cynthia tosses her bouquet — and NeNe lunges for it, snatching it away from Kenya. You know what this scene needs? A Nelson bully laugh from “The Simpsons.” Next, the couples all get to launch lovely wish lanterns — and Kandi and Kenya’s both crash. Kandi takes this as a bad omen, but I think Kenya’s the one who should be worried. 

After the wedding, the women get together for a nightcap. Everything is so lovely and relaxed! Even Porsha and Kenya are getting along famously. Hey, Porsha’s still on this trip! I hadn’t really noticed. So, NeNe wonders, what happened during that first meeting that caused everything to go so wrong? 

This would be the moment at which both Porsha and Kenya should stop, take deep breaths, and change the subject. But that wouldn’t be “RHoA,” would it, now! No, Porsha launches into her version of events, and you know what? She’s still pissed. Kenya says she doesn’t want to rehash the story, but Porsha got it all wrong. For a moment, I think Kenya is going to take the high road, but clearly, that’s stupid, because in about a hot minute the conversation becomes a standing, jabbing, other Housewives stepping in to prevent blows meltdown. You’re a non-factor to me! No, you’re a non-factor! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! The slurs fly so quickly it’s easier just to give a round-up; you can easily guess which ones are flung at which woman: Old, ghetto, Detroit, tramp, bitch cheerleader, “you told a Chinese man you’d have his baby (actually he was Phillippinno, but Porsha doesn’t know the difference), curved-ass bitch, stupid, washed-up, the list goes on and on. The best line is from Kenya, who ends the argument by screeching, “Go read a BOOK!” Yeah! Take that, Porsha! 

NeNe (yes, NeNe) tries to stop Kenya from clawing out Porsha’s eyeballs, and the other women (who honestly seem pretty bored and tired of the whole thing) stand around and try to act like they care about what the two new girls do. Finally, Kenya declares that she is “Gone with the Wind” fabulous and will be going to bed, right after she executes a few twirls. Even NeNe admits this is weird behavior, and I can’t help but think Kordell might wake up one morning to find Porsha’s head in the bottom of his bed before they leave Anguilla.

I’m just stunned that NeNe has become the semi-sane one (of, really, crazy like a fox in that she knew exactly which buttons to push all day long to make this meltdown happen) and Kenya is still giving Walter more reasons to run for the hills before he puts a ring on it. For someone who blathers on and on about how she’s so happy to be with a stable, normal, settled guy, Kenya is such a gigantic ball of chaos I can’t imagine any normal, settled guy who values his sanity would want a piece of this. I know Walter has three more days to make an Anguila wedding happen, but man, if it does? I hope Bravo gives him a deployment bonus.

Whose side are you taking in the Porsha-Kenya war? Do you think Walter will ever pop the question? And what did you think about Cynthia and Peter’s ceremony?

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